March 26, 2009

P To The I To The M To The P

Birds migrate in flocks or gaggles. Lions travel in prides, fish in schools, wolves in packs. But what do you call a group of pimps? What about their behavioral patterns? I mean, aside from the obvious - degrading women, sending them out to do the horizontal mambo for cash, taking 99% of the earnings. That aside, I'm beginning to think, like wolves (appropriately), pimps travel in packs. This is, somewhat unfortunately, not a theory based on a mere though exercise or research but, instead, one grounded in actual experience.

This is, somewhat unfortunately, not a theory based on a mere thought exercise or research but, instead, one grounded in actual experience.

When I walked into the men's room yesterday, I was confronted by what could only be a gang of pimps. Four men, dressed in what appeared to be fine suits, one of which might have been of the crushed velvet variety. Each wore a distinctly different color - one purple, one an astonishing shade somewhere between yellow and orange (kinda like a school bus), another brown, while the fourth was a deep, dark blue. They looked kinda like The Wiggles. If, you know, The Wiggles sent women out to blow guys in back alleys. I felt like I'd entered some parallel universe pimpiverse. It was fucked up. They even had hats with feathers in them. I was confused. And somewhere between my mouth and my brain the censor that often works so well shorted out. I stared, muttered four pimps and about-faced it out of there.


Seriously. Four pimps. Sounds like a really ghetto boy band. The Four Pimps. Honestly, after the incident (pimpcident?) I thought I might just need more coffee, that the pressure of the whole work thing was getting to me. But I saw the pimps, individually, throughout the remainder of the day. If felt much better about my own mental capacity yet still very confused.

Your challenge for the day, riddle me this: What reason could four pimps have possibly had to congregate in the men's room in a place of business? Use your imaginations. And if you know what's good for you, never journey to a public restroom with me.

Posted by Chris at March 26, 2009 6:30 AM

Maybe there is going to be a layoff and they are part of the job placement team???

Posted by: Debbie at March 26, 2009 6:48 AM

Maybe they lost a bet?
or hmm, I dunno.
Nothing interesting ever happens in womens washrooms. Perhaps you should get a wig.

Posted by: Cri at March 26, 2009 6:57 AM

p.s. i showed this to my husband and he was like, "the black dude has white hands!"

Posted by: Cri at March 26, 2009 7:49 AM

Obviously they were looking to recruit you. In what capacity is unclear- perhaps they are opening a new man whore division?

Posted by: caleal at March 26, 2009 7:52 AM

Costume party?

Posted by: Hannah at March 26, 2009 7:54 AM

You know how some companies provide in office massages as a perk to the employees? Maybe the next step up is in-office pimping.

Posted by: Shelly at March 26, 2009 8:26 AM


As a crime writer, I know a lot about pimps.

You were in a neighborhood called Ho Town (although some pimps call it Ho Ville or Ho Land).

In areas where there’s a high GJI (Gob Job Index), groups of pimps patrol the men’s rooms to let guys know that the girls are being protected.

The colorful outfits? Uniforms. You see a guy in a uniform and you know not to fuck with him. It’s the same as with cops and postal workers.

And four pimps together? The name changes from city to city, but in Washington DC, they’re called The Department of Ho Land Security.

Posted by: Marshall Karp at March 26, 2009 8:28 AM

I think, with the economy in the shape that it is in, they were doing research. Seeing what the avergae working class Joe does on a daily basis. They were probably in the mens room to synch up and give each other their main objectives for the day and then they seperated to gather usefull intel.

Posted by: Kelly M. at March 26, 2009 9:05 AM

Apparently your bosses really are whores. Also, Cri, I never would have noticed it but since you bring it up, WTF is with his hands??

Posted by: Cassandra at March 26, 2009 9:37 AM

Are you sure they weren't just really well dressed Mormons spreading the book?

Posted by: DC Urban Dad at March 26, 2009 9:42 AM

Oh come on Chris! They were Pimp Strippers for a co-worker some where in the building! It could have been a birthday or maybe a retirement! FOUR pimps in different color suits...had to be! Smirk

Or they COULD be the agents for the Intergalactic Warfare Protection Agency a lady INSISTED that we had yesterday!

Posted by: Gypsy at March 26, 2009 9:42 AM

If I had to guess I would say that one of them went into a crying fit after realizing pimpin' ain't easy.....this lead to a pimp icon flashing in the sky (very similar to the light they flash when they want to call Batman). Ultimately, the light lead the other pimps to console their down-trodden brother....thats my theory.

p.s. I want you to know that you blog kicks ass.

p.s.s. I also have crazy bathroom experiences and I feel for ya.

Posted by: Sherman at March 26, 2009 9:54 AM

In these unsettled times, some corporations are being forced to expand in to new markets. They were the VPs of the all new-pimp division. I'm sure you just missed the memo.

Posted by: bad penguin at March 26, 2009 10:06 AM

Being so busy with your project, it's understandable that you don't understand. You missed Fashion Week in New York. You see, with the economy so dismal people are naturally drawn to brighter, happier colors. You just happened upon some very fashion forward fellows in the men's room! Just Kidding!
Is there an ad agency in the building, perhaps they were part of a presentation.
Redgardless, it diverted your attention from work, had to have made you smile (or at least giggle), so it's all good!

Posted by: LaineyDid at March 26, 2009 10:29 AM

Perhaps they couldn't afford their usual meeting room at the Four Seasons and decided to tone down this year's Pimp Conference in order to keep the tax payers from crying foul.

Posted by: Dreamybee at March 26, 2009 10:40 AM


Posted by: Brad at March 26, 2009 10:46 AM

Swordfight or to compare who had the biggest wad of cash other people earned.

My question for you is where do work that feathers in caps are appropriate workwear? I was under the impression that you weren't a Ren Faire jouster but perhaps I was wrong.

I wonder if the guy in the school bus colored suit had the school beat?

And who says the Wiggles aren't pimps in their free time? I don't think Murray is though, I think he's an alien sent to eat children. Dude creeps me the heck out!

Posted by: Erik at March 26, 2009 11:17 AM

Did someone order a pimp'a'gram?

Posted by: oakley at March 26, 2009 11:44 AM

this post made me laugh for a LOT of reasons!

LOL The Wiggles as pimps...I'll never think about The Big Red Car the same way again! (Murray's in the back seat...)


you really must write that book about strange bathroom encounters. I guarantee it would be a success.

Posted by: jessica at March 26, 2009 12:31 PM

New guys in the marketing department.

Or the mushrooms you are for lunch weren't of the white button variety.

Or an acid flashback. I hate when that happens.

Posted by: Ames at March 26, 2009 12:54 PM

sorry, I'm still stuck on the prospect of wandering into a bathroom with you ;)

Maybe they were having a pimp meeting. Planning the days pimping events, etc.

Posted by: Kris at March 26, 2009 2:34 PM

Seriously. By the end of your career, you will have seen EVERYTHING in your bathroom. Mark my words.

Posted by: k8 at March 26, 2009 2:53 PM

dude, what is it with you and public restrooms?? Scary!

Posted by: cyndy at March 26, 2009 3:07 PM

WTF? You need to pitch a reality show around what goes on in the men's room at your work.

Posted by: Donna at March 26, 2009 3:14 PM

Wasn't it you who met your wife in a restroom? You have quite the track record going. Did you see the pimps at work, or while you were out elsewhere? There are a lot of variables in play that I would need to know in order to form a better hypothesis.

Posted by: Brooke Habecker at March 26, 2009 4:11 PM

It's the Pimples! Ha ha!

Posted by: Fi at March 28, 2009 11:16 PM

Ok, I know this post is old, but I got my friend Bob into reading your blog and I asked him if he ever saw pimps at work (he's a software engineer) and this was his response. It was too good not to forward onto you!!

Me: I mean, do you ever see pimps at work?? I've yet to see any here, but you never know!

Bob: Pimps don't do work. They pimp. Pimping ain't easy, and neither is work. But since pimping is easy, pimping cannot be work. Therefore, pimps don't work. They pimp. And my theory is that they were working on a new advertising campaign, bring the pimping directly to the people.

Posted by: Michelle at April 8, 2009 2:18 PM