March 4, 2009

The Return of Search String Madness

Aside from parenting two occasionally vomiting children and work kicking my ass sideways, I don't know why it's been so long since I checked out my search strings. I'm always amused - and quite often frightened - at the crazy shit people search for that brings them, somehow, to my humble abode on the internetwebotubesphere. So, since it's been a while, I'm giving you a health dose of search string crazy.


  • My boyfriend seems to be pushing my buttons. Which buttons are we talking about here? Because most girls like that.
  • Inappropriate shower songs. How about the classic country song I'm Fucking A Headless Underage Midget. Because that's inappropriate.
  • Hot chick thong socks refrigerator. I am married to a hot chick. I've mentioned that. But I've never discussed socks. Or socks as related to the hot chick I married. Nor have I - to the best of my recollection - included a refrigerator or any large appliances into similar thought processes.
  • Embarrassing dress tucked into underwear moments. Gah! I hate it when that happens to me. Whoa. Overshare.
  • One word funniest inside jokes! Potato. Oh, come on! That would kill at all my secret society meetings.
  • Spidersinaction. Awesome band name.
  • Sean Doolittle is an asshole. He's a decent writer. I don't know him personally. Why are you so damn judgmental?
  • Does Circle K have public restrooms? I could see how, due to my odd bathroom encounters, you would think I might have some clue, some valuable insight into restrooms. But I don't. Hell, I didn't even know there were still Circle Ks in existence.
  • How to have sex when you have grown boys in the next room. Are they somehow related to you? Cos if not, you know, the more the merrier.
  • Happy Meal Death. Another awesome band name.
  • Tackiest place on earth. That dubious title belongs to The Madonna Inn. Seriously. We've stayed there. It was scary. We thought we were going to be impaled by tacky wall sconces while we slept.
  • How to explain a cactus to preschoolers. Cactus is a strange man who writes strange things on the internet. There. The less detail the better.
  • Where are those eight inches you promised me? If I'd promised you anything it would have been more than eight inches.
  • Picture of woman in red shorts 1985 valentines day holding picture doing a poo. My, that's specific. And kinda disturbing. Well, fucked up, really.
  • Little Chris mime. You've discovered my secret. I actually spent my formative years in showbiz, as Little Chris The Mime. I was good too. But I quit. I was just tired of being stuck in that little invisible box day after day.
  • Facts about the Bee Movie. 1) I've never seen it. 2) It looked really stupid. 3) It was about bees.
  • I like to call my wife mom when we have sex. Never visit here again. Please.
  • Girl With a Pearl Necklace novel. If I were you, I'd recheck the title of that book. I'm just sayin'.
  • Organic vibrator. I believe some might call that a zucchini.
  • Big ass pills. I think we need to know where the hyphen's supposed to go. Because big-ass pills are a lot different than big ass-pills.
  • Stupid questions asked on cruise ships. What's all this blue stuff around us?
  • From what band did Motley Crue pluck John Corabi to replace Vince? That would be Scream. A pretty decent band, too.
  • Corporate punishment parents. One little spelling mistake can really throw off a search. Unless you were really looking for techniques for spanking your kid with a copy of the Microsoft Corporate Employee Handbook.
  • Louie Anderson Chinese buffet. I'm sure he's familiar with them.
  • Butt crack is hurting. Maybe you need some big-ass pills. Or are those big ass-pills?
  • Was Simon Cowell in the purple Teletubbie? If I understand the question correctly, yes, Simon Cowell has indeed known the purple Teletubbie biblically.
  • Does fish oil make you fart? Yup.
  • Zit fetish world. I refuse to acknowledge that such a world exists.
  • Saying happy birthday in rude ways. Happy fucking birthday, asshole!
  • Give a reason why a cactus could survive on a hot and sunny day. Cold beer.
  • Migets fucking regular size people. Wait, if midgets fuck normal sized people, doesn't the universe implode? No, hold up - that's matter and anti-matter.
  • I'm too tired to have sex with my wife. Watch out - someone else might not be.

Posted by Chris at March 4, 2009 5:40 AM

Love how you know the most obscure band facts ;) The Madonna Inn looks horrendous. And *snort* @ zucchini.

Posted by: Heather at March 4, 2009 6:16 AM

Thank you for a great laugh this morning! I needed it.

Posted by: Krush at March 4, 2009 8:36 AM

HA! Ass pills!

My search strings are still pretty mundane. The best ones:

lactose in whoppers
mrs megabreasts
john brantingham
diner who never change their prices since 1973

Meh. Although, who the fuck is John Brantingham?

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at March 4, 2009 8:41 AM

Reading those, I was laughing so hard I could barely keep it together.

Posted by: tutugirl1345 at March 4, 2009 8:45 AM

I must say that you have some interesting searches. Most of mine from my blog revolve around Shirley Jones, which is fucked up in itself.

Also, do you ever google this stuff yourself to see what other links it comes up with? I find that to be almost as enjoyable as reading the actual searches.

Posted by: Arwen at March 4, 2009 10:28 AM

LOL. Great stuff. I think my fav is "Picture of woman in red shorts 1985 valentines day holding picture doing a poo" I mean, wtf?

Posted by: Brad at March 4, 2009 10:43 AM

I love these! How do you do that? Know what people search to get to your blog?

Posted by: k8 at March 4, 2009 10:54 AM

That reminds me, I haven't checked my search strings in a while either. Just wanted to let you know that I have an award for you over at my blog if you'd care to stop by and...pick it up? Copy and paste it? Whatever one does in these situations.

Posted by: Dreamybee at March 4, 2009 10:57 AM

I Google your site sometimes for book names or games or something. And I'm always tempted to search for something REALLY weird that I know will end up in your weird search post. I'm a freak.

Saying happy birthday in rude ways. Rahm Emanuel wrote that book. Just sayin'.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at March 4, 2009 11:06 AM

"I like to call my wife mom when we have sex. Never visit here again."

"Saying happy birthday in rude ways. Happy fucking birthday, asshole!"

LMAO! Thanks for the chuckle this hump day morning!

Posted by: kimmyk at March 4, 2009 11:12 AM

Dude - Bee Movie was really good, I watched it twice in one weekend and I don't have children so I wasn't forced.

The Mia Bean wuold probabaly love it!

Just sayin'

Posted by: Kelly M. at March 4, 2009 12:20 PM

I've heard that there's a computer at Google that does nothing but stream search strings being entered into Google at that moment. I'm sure there are even more bizarre ones to be found but this is an awesome list.

I think the takeaway from this is that, people are freaks! Generally in a good way.

My searches, because my site includes poison in the name, tend to be a bit more macabre.

Also, another vote for Bee Movie, it wasn't award winning and Jerry Seinfeld's voice is annoying but it was still pretty funny and about a billion times better than Horton Hears a Who (which sucked monkey nuts).

Posted by: Erik at March 4, 2009 12:47 PM

The Madonna Inn was on my Things To Do Before I Leave California list. Visited once and got to see the men's waterfall urinals though...

Posted by: rai at March 4, 2009 12:54 PM

Note to self: don't check rudecactus at work any more.

It seems IT gets pissy when called in to clean out snort boogers from the keyboard. "I have no idea how that got there"

Posted by: harmzie at March 4, 2009 12:58 PM

No! I *flove* the Madonna Inn. I mean, it's more wink wink, nudge nudge tacky. It makes fun of all those resorts that take themselves so very seriously. Everyone driving down Route 101 should stay there, if only for the cave showers.

Posted by: Svendlor at March 4, 2009 2:23 PM

I LOVED Bee Movie! It's freakin' funny and not stupid at all :-) Try it. Seriously.

Posted by: samantha jo campen at March 4, 2009 3:39 PM

You have special readers. I seem to get a lot of readers interested in dads that make them horny.

Posted by: DC Urban Dad at March 4, 2009 4:23 PM

lol dude these get weirder every time you post them. And now I'm morbidly curious about the Madonna Inn. Maybe it's time I suggest a weekend getaway to hubby and we can head down to San Luis Obispo!

Posted by: Teenuh at March 4, 2009 5:16 PM

I seem to be behind the times, but how exactly do you check something like that?? :)

Posted by: Dana at March 4, 2009 5:21 PM

What big ass-pills do I use? Happy Meal Death. Works every time. My ass is gigantic.

Posted by: Gramps at March 4, 2009 6:00 PM

:: snort :: Corporate Punishment Parents.... to funny!

Posted by: coolchick at March 4, 2009 7:39 PM

AHAHAHA These are great!

You never fail to entertain Mr Cactus!

Posted by: Kris at March 4, 2009 8:20 PM

I've not visited your blog for a LONG time Chris and I now remember why I did!!

You are hysterical! I really needed a laugh and boy did I get one!!

Posted by: Sonia at March 5, 2009 7:48 AM

Ah, the embarrassing dress-tucked-into-underwear moment. That was me, remember? In your comments many moons ago.

It was skirt-tucked-into-pantyhose, actually, but close enough.


And Louie Anderson did an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet riff in his old standup routine. He got thrown out. "You been here FOUR HOUR!"

Posted by: Elise at March 5, 2009 8:19 AM

Just catching up. These always make me laugh.

Posted by: Heather at March 6, 2009 11:57 AM

Too damn funny!!! I love when you share your search strings. Good times.

Also, I believe it was Jon Pinette who did the Chinese buffet bit. (Everyone, including the search string, seems to think the large man who did the bit was Louie Anderson...)

Posted by: ironic1 at March 6, 2009 6:11 PM

Actually I know a better one word joke. When my youngest was 3 I was sitting in the care and we were all telling jokes. We were laughing like crazy but the 3 year old was feeling a little left out of the fun, not knowing any jokes herself. At one point we got quiet from all the laughing and she yelled, "Underpants!!!" We laughed so hard we all had to change our underpants.

Posted by: Amanda at March 8, 2009 8:17 PM

That last one reminded me of this:
What did you tell him when he came here Chris?!?!

Posted by: MissFae at March 9, 2009 1:01 AM

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Posted by: SallieWright22 at June 24, 2010 3:18 AM