April 2, 2009

Adventures In Parenting: Random Observations

Throughout the past week or two, I've gathered some random observations that I wanted to share. And honestly I'm wiped out this morning. So, hell, there's no time like the present.

Observation 1: I'm not ruling out the purchasing of firearms...
The other day when I got home, I caught a glimpse of my daughter and I knew exactly what she would look like in ten years. She was wearing a turtleneck and jeans - you know, completely non tiny-girl clothes - with her long hair stretching down to her little bottom. She was (yet she always is) gorgeous. And then I thought hey self, this isn't just how you see her but everyone else. Then I ran out and bought a shotgun and started target shooting silhouettes of pimply-faced teenage boys. Okay, I'm kidding about that last part but the fact that I'm kidding now doesn't totally rule it out in the future. I mean, look at these little people.


Observation 2: Conversations with kids are awesome...
Mia: What happens when you break?
Me: Break? Like, when you're not feeling good?
Mia: Yeah.
Me: You weren't feeling good last week. So I guess you were a little broken.
Mia: Right.
Me: And when you get old like your great grandmother, you break a little.
Mia: Do those folds on faces hurt when you get old?
Me: Wrinkles? No, they don't.
Mia: Does the gray hair hurt your head?
Me: No, it doesn't.
Mia: Daddy, I'm just trying to keep you okay. So you can be with me another 20 years.
Me: I hope to be here longer than that.
Mia: Seventy?
Me: That would be great. You're stuck with me kid.
Mia: You know, you're the best daddy in the world.
Me: And you're the best daughter in the world.

Observation 3: I'm an ass...
Beth: Pull up your pants
Mia: No. I can't
Beth: Why, are your arms broken?
Mia: No.
Beth: Then why?
Mia: There's a bird in my underpants
Beth: There's a bird? In your underpants?
Mia: Yes.
Beth: I don't believe you. Must not be a bird. I think there's a monster in your underpants.
Me: Monster in someone's pants? You talking about me again?

Observation 4: If you can't play nicely, don't play with it at all...
I cringe everytime Owen is hanging out without a diaper on. Not because I'm worried about him peeing on the carpet or anything. Really, he tugs on his penis with a totally inappropriate amount of force. I wince just watching it. It has to hurt. I keep telling him treat it well and it will treat you well but not completely understanding English he's not really catching my drift. Isn't that, like, a Bible verse? Do unto your penis...wait, that's not right.

Observation 5: Busses suck...
Completely unrelated to parenting, when you live and/or work in DC, tourists get old fast. The cherry blossoms are blooming in the Tidal Basin and tourists have descended on DC. This means two things. Thing 1 - Busses are absolutely everywhere. And bus drivers are apparently all ADD, blind or ADD and blind. Thing 2 - DC drivers get to play a daily game of How Not To Hit Random Pedestrians Who Are Paying Absolutely No Attention To Where They're Going. It's fun. And quite the challenge. So if you come to our fair city to visit the cherry blossoms, the monuments or the museums, please don't take a bus and be sure to observe all traffic signs.

And those are my observations for the week. My other observation? I need coffee. Stat! How about you guys? What are your observations for the week?

Posted by Chris at April 2, 2009 6:49 AM

I used to freak out when Madison pulled on his penis like that. I was thinking "OH DEAR GOD HE'S GOING TO PULL IT RIGHT OFF!!!"...

Then I found out the majority of little boys do that. They do it until right around the time they potty train. It won't hurt them. :)

Unless, of course, they have super-hero strength. Then you might want to invest in some sort of restraints until he's old enough. :)

1.) Living with a spouse who is OCD when you have 3 children is a challenge.

2.) I love my children and my husband even if they are driving me up a wall right now.

3.) Finding the perfect computer chair at Ikea and then being told it's not really in stock...makes me want to curl into the fetal position and cry for a few days.

4.) My need to edit pictures is massive. My time in which to do so is decidedly not.

5.) I need to get off my ass and clean the house before the big Spring Break (read: children home from school for 11 days) starts. I don't wanna. I wanna sit here and enjoy the silence for just a few more minutes!

Posted by: Holly Reynolds at April 2, 2009 7:52 AM

I actually just blogged about a recent personal observation but in general: the rainy season sucks. The temps should be really nice here now but the rain has been on-going since about Friday (though we were in NY so I didn't get to experience that part). My house is going to float away on a sea of rainwater and spanish moss.

Posted by: Claire at April 2, 2009 8:18 AM

Your kids are beyond gorgeous, your wife is a brilliant genius and you...you are rather entertaining!

Posted by: Country Girl at April 2, 2009 8:28 AM

You could hope that Mia develops an obsession with horses. There aren't many teenage boys hanging around the barn where my teenage daughter spends all her time. Of course, it costs me a Ferrari payment each month for horse board, riding lessons, and show fees, not to mention the 5 AM wakeup calls on weekends to get her to horse shows. But what the hell, it's a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Posted by: COD at April 2, 2009 8:47 AM

We are decidedly anti-gun people, yet my hubby claims when my daughter goes on her first date, he will calmly be sitting cleaning his shotgun as the boy approaches the house. He also says his line is going to be "I've been to prison for killing someone. I'm not afraid to go back."

Posted by: Shelly at April 2, 2009 8:56 AM

You just crack me up!
My ex-husband was such a lecherous teenage with me. Oh the trouble we got into.
Somehow our daughter Mandy, gorgeous woman that she is, didn't have the guys barking at our door. I think possibly because she was so darn smart and they were intimidated.
Her half sister (ex-hubby's second marriage) is also gorgeous, in fact she looks like Mandy so much. Anyway, suddenly my ex-husband, middle aged daddy to this girl is trying to intimidate these young studs who are trying to take out his 17 year old daughter.
Oh the stories I could tell her about her father....lol!!!
Somehow, it just makes me laugh to think about this!

Posted by: Maribeth at April 2, 2009 9:12 AM

Yes, invest in those firearms early b/c the boys will be beating down your door for that little lady!

My observations:
1) I'm never sleeping again. I'm pinched something in my neck like 3 days ago and it's still not better and I'd really like to have full range of movement in my head again!

2) Everything sounds better played on an atomic pink guitar, like the one I just recently acquired and am now attempting to learn to play. Last night was mostly spent on learning "Puff the Magic Dragon" b/c it's special to me.

3) My older 2 kids have been gone for almost a week and I've gotten absolutely jack done around the house. lol

Posted by: Kris at April 2, 2009 9:20 AM

Mommy Ann to 3 year old son Jim upon seeing him use his penis in that faction (I overreacted, would handle it much differently today).

"Jimmy - stop that".

Son to mom

"But mommy, I don't have anything else to play with".

Friend of family

"For heaven's sake, Ann, buy the kid some toys".

Ann speechless and ROTF.

Same son many years later watching his beautiful first born - a daughter.

"Heading out to buy a shotgun now".

Some things seem to be common with all families.

His still beautiful daughter will be 20 in July and my son isn't in jail for manslaughter. Possibly it's a good thing he was in the Army instead of home much of that time.

Posted by: Ann Adams at April 2, 2009 10:42 AM

Baseballs and windshields do not mix, game 1 of a new season.

As long as the pre-teen boy has clean undies I don't really need to care if he is wearing a striped shirt with plaid shorts...even if it makes my eyes sting.

Dried blueberries are addicting.

Posted by: steff at April 2, 2009 10:48 AM

Is Owen in the toy box?

Posted by: Kalisa at April 2, 2009 10:52 AM

The conversations you have with Mia make my heart hurt. I have never witnessed such freaking adorable conversations with a kid as you've had with your daughter. They make my day, really.

Posted by: Jessa at April 2, 2009 11:21 AM

it used to scare the hell out of me when josh would go to town on his wiener with such FORCE. *shudder*

Posted by: ali at April 2, 2009 12:06 PM

Jake was just doing that in the bath last night and it was making my stomach hurt, I can't imagine being a guy. I was literally cringing, but he seemed insanely happy, too funny.

And since I am commenting today and I saw Mia with her Marshall Karp book I will tell you this. You and I have similar interests in books. You often mention something I have read and really liked, so when you first recommended The Rabbit Factory I went out and got it. And I read it and it was weird and absurd and the characters are sad. Why does Chris rave about this so???? And then I reread your post and learned that you should pay attention to the author when someone mentions a book. Did you know there were 2 books called Rabbit Factory? I still laugh at myself now, and after I read the correct one, I loved it! And as soon as I have a free moment I am going to get the one I saw Mia with today!

Posted by: stacie at April 2, 2009 12:10 PM

Your kids are gorgeous, I think maybe you should invest in a really nice baseball bat.

Today's big observation - at 7am my kids are far less interested in if they will be tardy for school than I am. Must find new motivation, any ideas?

Posted by: Amanda at April 2, 2009 1:06 PM

My boys are the naked monkey peepee tuggers. They come in the house, take off their pants, turn on the tv and idly play with themselves while watching cartoons. Yes, its odd and I try to talk to them about it.

I'm also quite thankful that I don't have a little girl yet for precisely the reasons you post. They grow up, they become beautiful young ladies and then the attention from boys and men begins and never stops. At least, if we have a girl now, she'll have two older brothers to watch out for her!

Even so, I'd probably still do the Uncle Buck, "Hey come check out my nice shiny hatchet!" to any boy who came sniffing around.

Posted by: Erik at April 2, 2009 1:37 PM

Not exactly an observation, more of a curiosity on the mentioning of pants and things in pants...

did you ever velcro your PJs? or is the door still open?


Posted by: jessica at April 2, 2009 3:53 PM

Oh thank heavens!!! I thought my 2-yr-old, Nicky, was the only one who abused the jewels! My oldest son wasn't rough on the joystick like that! I feel much better now. I was beginning to think that we had a potential perv on our hands. Whew!

Posted by: LJ at April 2, 2009 4:07 PM

I have 2 beautiful daughters,9 and 11. I have no pity for you ;) I also have 3 guns!

Posted by: ame i. at April 2, 2009 4:56 PM

That morning sickness is bullshit. It lasts all freaking day and seems to crescendo into an awful state of wooze and sick by 8pm. I wish it would fuck off already.

That my husband is very smart. He has written a TV show that was given the greenlight to go into production shortly. A TV network wants to give him money cause they think he is funny. That's awesome.

After 4 days of being at work my Friday should be this perfect, connecting day with my daughter. Instead I run around like a mental woman trying to clean and wash and do a weeks worth of stuff while she takes out ALL her tiredness and bad behaviour she has saved up all week on ME!

Posted by: Beth at April 2, 2009 6:29 PM

You should definitely take up target practice. Or just get Owen into boxing - because you know that kid's gonna be huge, ad I'm thinking he'll be totally into protecting big sis too heh.

Posted by: Heather at April 2, 2009 6:40 PM

You think he's bad now? Wait until you bust him doing that when he's 10. Like the cure's in it, I tell you what.

Posted by: Mr Lady at April 2, 2009 7:00 PM

My bff always says (cuz she's got two daughters too) that she'll be sitting on her front porch saying, "Bring her back because I gotta shovel and no one will miss you..."

Observations this week:

1. I am prone to buyer's remorse pretty easily
2. I am buried by my google reader after being without a computer for awhile
3. My gift card to Fandango is ABSOLUTELY useless because no theaters around here offer online ticket purchase via fandango. Bastards.

Posted by: sarah at April 2, 2009 8:43 PM

The Boy used to pull his penis to what seemed to both of us impossible lengths... it was just... like an ouch/wow reaction from us.

I should recap this week. Just because...

Posted by: Nat at April 2, 2009 10:58 PM

"Tourists get old fast"

That'd be a good way to keep a lot of them from showing up at all...

Posted by: alektra at April 3, 2009 8:16 AM

Yeah, Mia's going to be gor-ge-ous. Sorry about your good genes. Stay supportive, love her a lot- you'll get through the teen years. :)

I haaate tourists in Chicago. I can't drive down Michigan Avenue without killing thirty of them. And they always ask me for directions to the Hancock Building.

When we're standing right in front of the Hancock building. Possibly next to a sign that says HANCOCK BUILDING.

Posted by: Caleal at April 3, 2009 8:57 PM