May 20, 2009

I See Dumb People

Excuse me while I bitch about the dumb people I encountered yesterday during my very brief ride home and the errands I ran on the way.

Episode I: The Invisible Elevator
I made it outside my vast office complex, several feet from the parking garage and freedom for the afternoon. I encountered a woman, outside, looking up, appearing dazed.
Me: Do you need some help?
Her: Is there an elevator out here?
Me: Um. No. Where are you trying to go?
Her: The South Building.
Me: Not to be rude but, like, you're aware that you're outside, right?
Her: Uh-huh.
Me: And engineers in their vast wisdom usually don't put free standing elevators outside.
Her: Uh-huh. But where's the elevator?
Me: First step, turn around and go back inside where elevators usually are. Then take your first right.
Her: Thanks!

Admittedly, I didn't need to be a smart-ass but really I did.

Episode II: Idiot on Aisle Three
I was in the grocery store. Picking up beer. Fire Rock and Shiner Bock to be precise. Around the corner came a woman trying to find fish.

Her: Hey, do you work here? I'm looking for fish.
Me: Uh sorry. Don't know where the fish are though I have a sneaking suspicion you can find them under the sign that says seafood.
Her: Why wouldn't you know for sure?
Me: Maybe because I don't work here. And I'm just here for beer. And never buy fish.
Her: Oh, I'm sorry. You sure you don't work here?
Me: I'm pretty sure. No one seemed mystified when I showed up at my office this morning.
Her: Oh, okay. Well, I'm sorry about that.
Me: No problem.

I didn't ask her but I'll ask you - how many grocery store employees do you run into wearing suits and ties?

Episode III: Too Dumb To Drive
After the grocery store incident, I stopped to get some gas. In the parking lot was a man who had obviously locked his keys in his car. Yet, instead of using an actual slim-jim to pop the locks, this dude climbed a tree, tore off a branch and started using it - a stick - as a make-shift slim-jim. Imagine our collective surprise - mine feigned, his genuine - when it broke. What did he do? Climbed the damn tree again. He's probably still there.

Episode IV: Proof The Housing Market Is Bad
And finally, speaking of dumb, worst sign placement ever.


Posted by Chris at May 20, 2009 5:38 AM

I used to have that "I see dumb people" screen shot posted on my bulletin board in my office. One day in a meeting in another department in another building, someone told me of this legend they heard of someone in my department that had this fantastic "I see dumb people" sign. Yeah. me.

Also? I fortunately had the presence of mind to deflect a tv interview from my office to a hallway. Can you imagine the shit-storm from that?

Awesome sign placement.

Posted by: harmzie at May 20, 2009 8:30 AM


I see dumb people everyday. That's why there's "manager" in my title. Oh the things i can't blog about...

For example, my employees often confuse me for someone who works here. True story.

Posted by: LeSombre at May 20, 2009 8:31 AM

Stupidity is painful and one of my biggest pet least your run-ins were quasi-humorous and provided you with fodder. Mine usually leave me feeling worn out and in need of meds...

Posted by: Country Girl at May 20, 2009 8:38 AM

how many grocery store employees do you run into wearing suits and ties?

Depending on the schedule crossover, at least two. My management staff is required to "dress professionally" in an effort to distinguish our company from t-shirt wearing counterparts.

Posted by: Emily at May 20, 2009 8:48 AM

Sometimes I wonder how some stupid people manage to get up, get dressed, and feed themselves each day. I have had a few recent run-ins with some Grade A Morons. Seriously, how do they remember to breathe in?

That open house sign is the best thing I have laughed at in a couple of days.

Posted by: Jen at May 20, 2009 8:51 AM

I think that perhaps the grocery store lady was hoping to strike up a conversation, thereby hitting on you. Ego pump!!

Posted by: jane at May 20, 2009 9:14 AM

I'm surprised you're smart ass answers went over so well?? I live in NY and if I answered people like that I'd probably get a nice big F-U but then again, nobody really talks to anyone up here

Posted by: Darren at May 20, 2009 9:27 AM

Why do you get all the fun? :)

I suspect you'd be one of the people that would enjoy me, though, as I always take the bait in jokes...

Posted by: Hannah at May 20, 2009 9:33 AM

It's amazing how the idiot on aisle three makes his way from city to city. I swear that dude was in my WalMart like three days ago.

Posted by: Writer Dad at May 20, 2009 9:35 AM

Awesome sign placement! And yeah the first one totally required smart-assery!

Posted by: Kris at May 20, 2009 9:42 AM

This was brilliant and hilarious...LOVED the grocery store bit.


Posted by: jessica at May 20, 2009 9:45 AM

It seems that you never have to go far to find dumb situations. Like the man who got out of his truck and waved me on to the oncoming traffic in the other lane. Glad I had already figured out that he was dumb.

Posted by: cassie-b at May 20, 2009 9:46 AM

All I can say is *giggle*.

Posted by: Amanda at May 20, 2009 10:51 AM

Now that I work for [tv-star couple who also own local restaurants] I get ALL SORTS of crazy calls & emails from the public. I kind thought you just made this shit up until I began this job.

Posted by: kalisa at May 20, 2009 10:59 AM

Dude - too funny... There was a similar sign on a cemetary near my house not too long ago. I believe it said "come join us"...

Posted by: Sue R at May 20, 2009 11:15 AM

The elevator story is priceless.

"Umm I would imagine the fish could be found under the sign seafood" and she didn't scream at you at that point...that's hysterical.

Listen some of the best grocery stores in the country have people in suits and tie shilling meat and fish, they don't where you live?

Posted by: Dee at May 20, 2009 11:48 AM

I had to come back and retype my dumb person story of all time. I am an admin assistant and I'm often awed by all the dumb questions I get from people who A) make WAYYYYY more money than I do and B) should know better with the positions they hold.

Here is my favorite, I got a call from an employee asking me how to dial internationally, I said I wasn't really sure but I know it's something like 011 plus the number. He says to me "where is the plus sign on the phone" I said, no as in 011 in addition to the number you are calling. I said anyhow, I don't know what it is exactly but directions can usually be found at the front of any phone book, he said okay thanks. I hung up and said to the girls in my office, I can't believe that guy makes more money than I do.

Posted by: Dee at May 20, 2009 11:57 AM

Dude, what is it about you that attracts these people???

Posted by: zanie at May 20, 2009 12:24 PM

That Open House pic is seriously funny! It reminded me of Jay Leno's Headlines..classic. The grocery store thing happens to me all the time...if you remotely look organized or are going through a shop quickly all of the sudden you look like you work at the store????!!!! No matter how you are dressed people can ask that dumb question. And some grocery store managers wear suits and ties..but still people can be dumb.

Posted by: Julie Andel at May 20, 2009 12:53 PM

I thoroughly love having an excuse to laugh out loud at my deskā€¦thanks for giving me one.

A stick, really?

Posted by: Beth at May 20, 2009 1:41 PM

Was the man's car constructed out of boulders and logs, like Fred Flintstone's?

Posted by: Phil at May 20, 2009 3:07 PM

Aah! I've been asked that 'are you sure you don't work here?' question before. And I've also been asked 'do you work here?' when wearing a full-on brightly-coloured clearly-labelled staff uniform in a bookstore. Naturally I said 'No, I don't work here, I just have terrible dress sense.' :)

Posted by: Andrea at May 20, 2009 3:46 PM

I always wonder how in the world these people managed to lived to adulthood with all their digits intact.

Too funny, Chris. Be careful, you may have an invisible sign on you that says "Hey, dumb people, talk to me!"

Posted by: Nenette at May 20, 2009 4:45 PM

Hee, you're mean! Those people were asking for it, though.

Posted by: Fraulein N at May 20, 2009 9:22 PM

that sign is hilarious!

Posted by: Dolly at May 21, 2009 12:25 AM

Quite a few of the buildings around here have elevators that you access from the exterior of the building. They aren't free standing in the middle of a parking lot, but you access the elevator from the outside.

Posted by: Jen R. at May 21, 2009 8:42 AM

I'll bet these people went home and blogged about the asshole they encountered yesterday.

Posted by: Greg at May 21, 2009 9:05 AM

Wow. Kind of amazing how people act.

Posted by: Zandor at May 21, 2009 12:50 PM

Damn it. Now I want a Shiner Bock. Thanks Chris.

Posted by: Shell at May 21, 2009 9:43 PM

I'm sorry, but I wasn't impressed with your post regarding seeing dumb people. Maybe they aren't dumb at all; perhaps they were just having a bad day.

Clearly, you are unsure of your own self-worth, and you are projecting that inner-struggle onto others. Your mention of the fancy beer brands and the suit told me that.

Keep in mind that we are all human and we all have a right to be on this earth. Oh, yeah, and that patience and kindness are virtues.

Posted by: Jen D. at May 22, 2009 11:15 AM

You rule in so many ways I can't even begin to describe.

Dude, even if you're embellishing. . .good job.

That guy in the tree cracked me up.

Posted by: samantha jo campen at May 22, 2009 3:22 PM

People always think I work wherever I am. I get stopped for directions by other tourists in foreign countries.

I have no idea what it is, but I like to think I just have a competent, confident look about me. Or maybe I just have the bored, wishing-for-death look of a disgruntled employee in a dead-end job?

As for the Open House sign, how else do you think the zombies scrounge up new recruits?

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