May 7, 2009

Recommended For You

Dear Amazon,

I love you. I can seriously buy just about anything from you. You are remarkable and I'm not sure what we all did before you were created. If Madonna wanted to adopt another Malawian child without taking all the heat she's gotten recently, I'm betting she could log on to her Amazon account and find just what she was looking for. And I bet you'd give her free shipping.

The one bone that I have to pick with you, oh mighty Amazon, is your recommendations. Sometimes they make sense and they're helpful. Like, last week I downloaded the recent Doves album and got a recommendation for Gomez's latest. That makes sense. Then I ordered a couple of Oz books for Mia; recommendations for Oz books in the series as well as other works by Frank Baum were made. Cool. I get that. But sometimes the recommendations are a little odd. Or you're just fucking with me, Amazon. I don't know what strange combination of things or what technobabblecomputerspeak algorithm triggered this recommendation but holy Jeff Bezos, I'm pretty sure I don't need a buttplug.


And I'm positive I don't want to buy a used one.

Yours in Christ,
Chris Cactus

Posted by Chris at May 7, 2009 7:00 AM

Hey, don't knock it 'till you try it. :)

Posted by: Martin at May 7, 2009 7:20 AM

oh my GOSH! holy crap. I had to stare for a few seconds just to figure out what the heck it was. OUCH.

Posted by: La Petite Belle at May 7, 2009 7:41 AM

Hmm, I'm speechless, there's an accomplishment.

Posted by: Jeff A at May 7, 2009 7:44 AM

Nice! Does that qualify for Super Saver Shipping?

Posted by: Jon (was) in Michigan at May 7, 2009 7:47 AM

I want to know why it only has a 4 and a half star rating - and is there a butt plug out there that actually got a full 5 star rating? And were the reviews useful?

Posted by: Country Girl at May 7, 2009 8:08 AM

Holy Cow! I can't stop laughing. It toook me awhile to focus on the letter. I zeroed in on "used" and couldn't stop laughing.

My Cottonelle recommendation isn't nearly as humorous.

Posted by: MariaV at May 7, 2009 8:08 AM

That. Is. Great. I thought it was a lava lamp!

Posted by: margo at May 7, 2009 8:16 AM


Posted by: Maribeth at May 7, 2009 8:16 AM

... I just noticed it comes in different sizes. Apparently Amazon also personalized your choice and assumes you are a "medium." How many sizes does it come in, and how exactly does one measure themselves for the proper fit?

Posted by: margo at May 7, 2009 8:30 AM

Oh come ON! you could save $1.03~

Posted by: Lisa at May 7, 2009 8:42 AM

I am both amused and mortified all at once... I am going to have to start checking out my recommendations. Is that some computer geek's idea of a joke? Let's see if this person is REALLY paying attention?!

Or perhaps this computer geek was one of the many weirdos you have encountered in the nefarious "bathroom" paying you back for writing about them. HA now that is funny.

Posted by: Christina at May 7, 2009 8:44 AM


There are no grosser words. I seriously had to stop eating my oatmeal. There are some things you really should buy new :)

Posted by: Lisa at May 7, 2009 8:45 AM

Wow that's hysterical can you imagine the person who says, no I can't spring for a new anal plug, but look Amazon has used ones to buy. What a bargain!

Posted by: Dee at May 7, 2009 8:48 AM

The question is: what on your wishlist or previous purchases prompted them to suggest it??

Posted by: Claire at May 7, 2009 9:13 AM

Good point Claire, now I'm going to run over to Amazon to see what they suggest to me.

Posted by: Dee at May 7, 2009 9:26 AM

Holy Jeff Bezos indeed! I'd love to know what relational software triggered that particular suggestion.

And yes, there are some things that should never, ever be sold as used.

Posted by: bad penguin at May 7, 2009 9:32 AM

the large sized one is ranked lower, so maybe they're not trying to give you your ideal size, they're just recommending the higher rated one. Aside from the "who would want to buy used" issue, my question is, who the heck is selling their used anal plugs?? "Hmmm, I don't much care for this anal plug, I much prefer the beads. Oh well, I'll just sell it back on Amazon." WTF??

Posted by: Cassandra at May 7, 2009 9:36 AM

OK, I'm sitting in a dark hotel room because it's ass-crack (no pun intended) early here and I can't sleep, I'm trying not to wake up my sleeping husband, but this? Made me laugh out loud. He's awake now and I have to show him this entry.

But seriously, this one gets good ratings. Might be worth a try. Wonder if it comes in pink? No, no, no. Never mind. Not for me, of course, just in general.....

Posted by: donna at May 7, 2009 9:39 AM

This is why I read you every day.

"Doc Johnson" ... it MUST be good, it's sold by a doctor!

Posted by: Jase at May 7, 2009 9:54 AM

OH MY GOSH! I cannot believe that came up as a recommendation. The fact that they even sell them is surprising to me. WOW>

Posted by: Sarah at May 7, 2009 10:37 AM

Omg. Hysterical. I just ordered from amazon for the first time and thought they were more a best buy type of place instead of an adult super store.

Posted by: debb at May 7, 2009 10:41 AM

can't stop laughing.

what on earth did you buy or browse lately that prompted that recommendation?

Posted by: Kris at May 7, 2009 10:51 AM

USED?!?!?!?! Christ on a cracker I think I'd rather have the swine flu!

Posted by: MsSassyPants at May 7, 2009 10:57 AM



Posted by: jessica at May 7, 2009 10:59 AM

OMG, I'm laughing so hard, I'm in tears!
What the heck kind of keywords would lead to that rec?!

Posted by: Nenette at May 7, 2009 11:16 AM

They just threw that in there to see if you were paying know, to keep you on your toes.

Posted by: Jen at May 7, 2009 11:17 AM

That is hilarious. Hilarious!

Posted by: Chino at May 7, 2009 11:20 AM

Oh that's just messed up!!
I didn't even think they sold things like that on there.

I do have an issue with Amazon... if you have a problem, good luck getting someone on the phone!

Check out the seller labelshopper on there

Nice stuff and good deals.... Mens & Women's items. LOVE THEM!!

I think I already emailed you about it, but remember I said I put in an order to for my DVD burner yesterday? It's on a truck to be delivered today and I only paid for UPS Ground shipping! That's awesome!!

Posted by: Dozenroses13 at May 7, 2009 11:21 AM


I am morbidly curious about the used for sale.

One time I got recommendations for lesbian erotica. Except all I ever buy from Amazon are psychology textbooks.

Posted by: caleal at May 7, 2009 11:38 AM

I have received some weird suggestions from Amazon, but nothing quite that "weird"...especially used...EWWWWW! I would also love to know what you were searching for recently...and wondering if it had anything to do with Beth's post about the kids' and their bathroom cheerleading from the other day.

Posted by: Krush at May 7, 2009 11:47 AM

Ew. Um...ew.

Posted by: Brooke at May 7, 2009 12:04 PM

Uh, thats just weird!!!

Posted by: Nicki at May 7, 2009 12:18 PM

Are you SURE you don't need one. I mean, a used one might be more flexible and easier to use. =)

Posted by: lesley at May 7, 2009 12:29 PM

Perhaps your reading list triggered words that send automatic recommendations....Boy Toy, The Quickie, Night Work and Darkest Fear. Did you purchase those books from Amazon?

Posted by: robin at May 7, 2009 12:31 PM

At least the one they offered you was small... my old roommate worked graveyard in an adult store that I'd randomly go visit him at when I couldn't sleep, and they had some the size of my head. I'm not even kidding. I wish I was.

Posted by: Katie at May 7, 2009 1:06 PM

If Amazon sparked your interest even remotely, you'll love this!

Posted by: margo at May 7, 2009 1:16 PM

I'm dying to know two things:

1. What did you order?

2. Was there a buy one get one free option?

Posted by: ng at May 7, 2009 1:59 PM

Et tu, Cactus?

Posted by: Kathleen at May 7, 2009 2:16 PM

I totally read that as Don Johnson....

And what exactly were you searching for on Amazon that would make a butt plug come up as a recommended product? HMMMMMMMMMMMM?

Posted by: statia at May 7, 2009 2:24 PM

I totally read that as Don Johnson....

And what exactly were you searching for on Amazon that would make a butt plug come up as a recommended product? HMMMMMMMMMMMM?

Posted by: statia at May 7, 2009 2:24 PM

Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.

Posted by: Heather at May 7, 2009 3:19 PM

Haha, a "used" one - I guess the economic times are tougher than most of us imagined!

Posted by: Mark at May 7, 2009 7:57 PM

Oh my, Chris. Once again, you've cracked me the fuck up!! And this was one of those posts that I just had to share with the hubby. New & used?? Oh my. Nothing else to say...

Posted by: morninglightmama at May 8, 2009 12:09 AM

That, my friend, is hilarious. I'm so going to see what goodies Amazon has for me!

Posted by: Kimmer at May 8, 2009 8:35 AM

Oh, wow. Really? Wow... and USED?? Really?? There isn't enough disinfectant in the world...

Posted by: Kim at May 8, 2009 9:14 AM

I know all the other commenters have said this already. But I have to, too. WOW. Just, wow.

That's all.

Posted by: Librarian Girl at May 8, 2009 11:23 AM

I personally enjoy the four and a half star rating this particular plug has received.

Posted by: Sleepynita at May 8, 2009 4:50 PM

I must admit that I am a bit shocked that there is a used market for butt plugs...

Clearly there is something you are not telling us though Chris. ;)

Posted by: Nat at May 8, 2009 7:52 PM

I am showing my vanilla-ness - but what do you even use a anal butt plug for?????

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at May 10, 2009 4:28 PM