June 17, 2009

21 Reasons The Internet Scares The Crap Out Of Me

It's been a while since I delved into the sometimes hilarious, more often bat-shit crazy search strings that dead-end into my site. So I opened up all my site logs and ended up finding some real gems. Take a look for yourselves.

  1. My parents heard me say fuck. Oh, uh, fuck! Say it ain't so.
  2. Hundreds of tiny spiders come on our ceilings. Maybe they're shooting some arachnid gang-bang porn? A little spider bukkake?
  3. The word fuck excites me. Are you, perhaps, related to that first guy?
  4. I'm so glad I don't have balls kick. Fine, rub it in. But I can pee standing up.
  5. Grapenuts ice cream Columbus, OH. Half my family is from Ohio so I think it gives me some right to say this. People in Ohio are fucking nuts. Grapenut ice cream?
  6. Waffles quotes. Madam, we must have waffles! We must all have waffles forthwith! We must all think, and we must all have waffles, and think each and every one of us to the very best of his ability. Tom Hanks in The Ladykillers.
  7. Do not scare my kids talking about apocalypse. Someone could have shared the same sentiment when we were all hiding under our desks in elementary school in atomic-bomb-unleash-the-fires-of-hell drills. Like a desk was going to do any damn good.
  8. Three programmers walk into a bar. Okay, I'll play. The first turned to the other two and said "want a byte?"
  9. 81 year old father can't stop burping and farting. Two words - mercy killing.
  10. Hilarious vibrators. Once met a vibrator with his own stand up act in Vegas. Quite a buzz about him. For reals.
  11. Stripper Shortcake. When Strawberry Shortcake wasn't cute and cuddly anymore, she still needed to feed herself.
  12. Why do people make mistakes and then feel sorry for them when they know that they can t change anything?sometimes you just need to walk away and pretend that everything is ok don t try to fix it cuz maybe you ll make it worse. That is so emo.
  13. Jeff Probst penis. Probst's Probe.
  14. Speedo sausage mullet. Never before have three seemingly randomly strung-together words terrified me so.
  15. Does it rain more on weekends because most big factorys are shut down? No. It actually rains more on weekends just to piss you off. And learn how to spell factories.
  16. Can I put a tampon in my butt. Yes. Please note - the words can and should have to very different meanings and implications.
  17. Did They Might Be Giants write The Backyardigans theme song? No. They didn't. The song - and all the music - is brilliantly written by Evan Lurie and Douglas Wieselman.
  18. How to kill and keep cactuses out of your yard. You can just tell me to leave. Don't get all drastic and homicidal.
  19. Nachos & midgets & sombreros. One word - Partay!
  20. Wilma and Betty hardcore whores. Finally someone else who understands the true nature of The Flintstones.
  21. What would happen if a horse and a woman had sex? Obviously you haven't explored the darkest corners of the internet.
And there you have it - fresh evidence that people are a little strange and the internet is vaguely terrifying.

What's the weirdest thing you've searched for?

Posted by Chris at June 17, 2009 5:59 AM

the name of the band that played "the clown died in marvin gardens"....it took YEARS.... yes, i had the album... but ...lets just say... it was high time in high school (literally!).... i could see the album cover in my head...but didn't find the answer until last year....

1967 - beacon street union

Posted by: the unicorn at June 17, 2009 7:12 AM

8. Your comment was funny. :-)

14. I would have closed all site info at this one.

15. No, it rains so you can stay inside and educate yourself.

19. The midgets love you too much to stay away, Chris.

I don't think I have searched for anything remote weird or terrfying. I'm boring.

Posted by: MariaV at June 17, 2009 8:31 AM

I can't recall searching for anything that is remotely close to the search strings you get. (Guess I'm boring.) However, I do love it when you share them with us.

BTW, I think Grapenuts ice cream is a nasty invention if it exists... and I'm an Ohioan. Perhaps it's an *elderly* Ohioan that is looking for that stuff?

Oh, and I'm also scared by "Speedo sausage mullet" -- I can't get that picture out of my mind!!! I think I might now be mentally scarred.

Posted by: ironic1 at June 17, 2009 10:02 AM

I once searched for pictures of blue speckled condoms to see if they existed. I didn't find any and was disappointed.

Posted by: ticknart at June 17, 2009 10:57 AM

Nachos, midgets and sombreros? Sounds like a lost weekend in my early 20's!

Posted by: Maribeth at June 17, 2009 11:04 AM

I...I don't even know what to say.

The weirdest thing I haven't searched for (although it might lead me to your site) is "one-year-old penis" because my son isn't circ'ed and sometimes I wonder, "Is that what it's supposed to look like?" The doctor never says anything so I guess it's OK. But the potential result of plugging that search term into Google and clicking "search" ('cause "I'm Feeling Lucky" just seems like asking for trouble) just make me shiver.

Posted by: Brooke at June 17, 2009 11:32 AM

Oh, sweet mercy, Chris. I totally needed this laugh today.

One of my all-time favorite searches that brought someone to my site was, "Hot boobs spraying milk." I know that there are dudes with weird fetishes, but seriously?

Posted by: Angella at June 17, 2009 11:41 AM

My HS boyfriend's mom made homemade ice cream w/ Grapenuts in it and it was DELICIOUS. Except for the fact that she made it the same day I got my braces tightened. But really. It was very tasty.

Posted by: kalisa at June 17, 2009 12:03 PM

I've spent some time exploring the urban dictionary at www.urbandictionary.com and read some very disturbing things....

Grapenut ice cream - not so much, but Grapenut bread (Kinda like banana bread) is soooo yummy!

Posted by: Rose Winters at June 17, 2009 12:07 PM

Politely not really pointing out the typo in #16.

And for #20... I once saw a cartoon with a Flintstone/Rubble group thing going on. I've never been able to look at the show the same again.

I don't search for weird stuff - I let other people do it. And then I click on their links and go look.

Posted by: sarah at June 17, 2009 12:10 PM

Ilove it when you do this. I could never be so stinking witty.

Posted by: Theresa at June 17, 2009 12:39 PM

Stripper Shortcake - it is lesson for all of us out there that at any moment you can from riches to rags.

Posted by: DCUrbanDad at June 17, 2009 12:43 PM

I think grapenuts icecream was supposed to be Graeter's Icecream? At least I hope so... *shudders*

Posted by: Shannon at June 17, 2009 1:26 PM

Apparently I'm the only one, but #14 had me laughing so hard yogurt almost came out my nose. I'm pretty sure that would have been unpleasant.

The weird search that recently has people coming to my blog? April.

I have no idea how or why, but search.live.com results keep bringing people to my site. 10 yesterday alone. 2 on Monday (when searching for March instead). 2 the day before that....

Posted by: Kelly at June 17, 2009 1:38 PM

"Speedo Sausage Mullet" -- BAND NAME!

Posted by: coolchick at June 17, 2009 3:02 PM

Your search strings never cease to amuse and terrify me ;)

Posted by: Heather at June 17, 2009 7:08 PM

is the dishwasher a euphamism for sex or masturbation.?

Posted by: William at June 17, 2009 9:22 PM

hi from nova scotia(that's in canada)....and we luv us some grapenut ice cream....sum good yu....lol

Posted by: roberta at June 17, 2009 9:59 PM

Searched for guys named Chris Cactus. Imagine my surprise!

Posted by: Brad at June 17, 2009 10:37 PM

Thats always entertaining. Crazy googling kids.

Posted by: Surfer Jay at June 18, 2009 1:54 AM


I just may have to make out with Angella forever for sharing this in her reader.

Posted by: Loralee at June 20, 2009 2:08 AM

Make your life more simple get the loans and everything you require.

Posted by: LaurelHowe26 at February 27, 2010 4:06 PM