June 11, 2009

Hold Me (The Horror!)

I walked into the bathroom (because you knew we were all due for a good bathroom story, right? After all, it's been a freakishly long time before I've had any bizarre encounters of the restroom kind.) and, because of the nature of my mission, I entered a stall. Before sitting down, I performed the usual inspection. After all, you have to ask the standard questions when you're in a public restroom. Is the seat down? Has anyone peed on it? Is there an alligator in the bowl? After making my list and checking it twice, I was able to assure myself that I would not come to any bodily harm or be in any way violated.

But wait...what's that I spied out of the corner of my eye? Several options sprang to mind and entered my stream of consciousness.

Oh shit, it's some kind of weird and most likely highly poisonous white aquatic snake that has somehow eeked out of the hole that the water goes down and gotten stuck in the bottom of the bowl. I almost sat on that fucker and I'm pretty sure it would have unhinged it's jaw and eaten my balls. And I like my balls, you know as much as anyone can like balls, and I would have really missed them despite the fact that, if I have it my way, they will soon have absolutely no function whatsoever. But still, I wouldn't have wanted them to be consumed by some bizarre toilet-dwelling snake.

Wait...it's not moving or anything so it must be...

An giant albino turd. And whoever did this - committed this atrocious sin against good bathroom etiquette and, frankly, nature - should be really and truly ashamed of themselves and slightly afraid for their own health because honestly, no matter how you slice it (not literally), there's no way this is good. I mean, how is such a thing possible?

It's not. Because that's no gargantuan albino turd. It's...

Oh sweet baby jesus, that's a dildo. There's a dildo. In the toilet. A slightly off-white marginally flesh-colored dildo is resting its weary head in the toilet. I have seen midgets, pimps, elves and individuals with extremely terrible bathroom behavior in the finest restrooms in the land but I have never - ever - seen a dildo. This? Is a first. And not a good first in the first kid, first sex or first job after college kind of way. Not a first you celebrate and receive gifts for. Rather it's a first that makes you cringe and doubt the faith you've placed in humanity during your first 36 years of life. And then comes the question that makes you want to claw your eyes out and scour your brain with a q-tip pushed way too far - how, precisely, did it get here?

Care to venture a guess? Surely, like me, you have to be curious. Or just horrified. Oh, and I'm totally convinced that one of you is stalking me, totally committed to upping the ante on my horrific bathroom visits. I'm right aren't I? Which one of you is it?

Disclaimer: I refuse to disclose the exact location and time at which the following events took place. For anyone who may at some point discover my site at my place of business, I assure you the events that transpired did not take place during regular business hours at my place of employment. Family members who have discovered my vast acreage of the Internetwebosphere will be pleased to learn that this scenario did not play out in the presence or home of anyone they know.

Posted by Chris at June 11, 2009 7:20 AM

was it a condom?

Posted by: Debbie at June 11, 2009 7:38 AM

So. Inquiring minds want to know. What did you do? And really, Chris...........only you have freakish bathroom episodes. Thanks for sharing!

Posted by: Christy at June 11, 2009 8:05 AM

Is this a bathroom that is shared by many small companies on many floors of a big building? Or is this bathroom used only by the couple dozen people you work with? 'Cause if it's the latter, you work with a bunch of freaking nuts. (And, for the record, I think the dildo belongs to the clown.)

Posted by: Karen at June 11, 2009 8:07 AM

Was it the one suggested to you by Amazon? Maybe someone was just being nice and bought you a gift from your wishlist... Jeez. Only you would happen upon a dildo in the toilet! But I seriously feel sorry for the janitor who has to fish it out of there!!

Posted by: Margo at June 11, 2009 8:29 AM

I'm with Karen -- I think the dildo belongs to the clown. Maybe he was practicing some sort of "trick" to share with his, uh, audience and lost "control"...

However, if (for some bizarre reason) it were ME who dropped the dildo into the toilet, I would most likely fish it out and at least deposit it into the trash container -- I have a "thing" about not leaving anything in the bowl of the toilet I just used. Call it a courtesy to the next person, if you want.

And DAMN if you don't have THE oddest bathroom encounters -- EVER.

Posted by: ironic1 at June 11, 2009 8:32 AM

Oh lord, I don't even want to venture a guess about that one!

Posted by: La Petite Chic at June 11, 2009 8:37 AM

I'd say it's pretty obvious how it got there. Little rude of the (can I assume it was a guy?) guy to not fish it out, but I can also see why one would rather waste a perfectly good dildo than stick their hand in a public toilet. (call the cleaning people to get some rubber gloves?) I've never made use of a dildo in a public restroom before, but I can't wait for the opportunity to have a naughty bathroom encounter with my fiance.

Posted by: Miss Fae at June 11, 2009 9:07 AM

I think it's absolutely terrifying how quickly our minds went to the CLOWN. Seriously, though, WTF? Who else is renting space in your office building? (I'm hoping beyond hope, as I'm sure are you, that what you found in the toilet doesn't belong to someone you work with.)

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 11, 2009 9:23 AM

Used condom.

Posted by: Brad at June 11, 2009 9:53 AM

A sex toy armed robbery gone awry? Or...maybe they robbed a store and pretended the dildo was a gun. You know, held it in their pocket or whatever, then threw out the evidence.

Or maybe what you really saw was the rare Mountain Dildo Eel, who, after a long, perilous journey from its home in the Smokies, stopped for what zoologists call the "nap 'n' clean". The rare Mountain Dildo Eel can, as you may know, immerse itself into a small body of water and sleep AND purify itself at the same time. Amazing little creatures, aren't they?

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at June 11, 2009 9:53 AM

Seriously...YOU have the worst experiences that even make me wonder if I EVER want to walk into a public bathroom again! Shudder

Posted by: gypsy at June 11, 2009 9:53 AM

You definitely have the weirdest set of bathroom stories I've ever read. But I can top you on the weird-places-to-find-a-dildo stories. I found one in my front lawn one evening when I got home from work. I'd MUCH rather have found one in a public toilet where I could have just left it for someone else to deal with! I wrote about it a while back:

Posted by: Becky at June 11, 2009 9:56 AM

That's where I left it. Sorry.

Posted by: DCUrbanDad at June 11, 2009 10:00 AM

oh, yuck! what's next??!! i hate to ask...

Posted by: kati at June 11, 2009 10:33 AM

I just spit out my coffee while reading this. Too funny - in a bizarre/sick/twisted kind of way.

Posted by: LaineyDid at June 11, 2009 11:06 AM

Um. Ick. Disgust. Makes me want to puke. WHY do these things happen to you?

Posted by: k8 at June 11, 2009 12:01 PM

I recommend you make signs and post them on all of the stall doors. Signs never fail to incite a riot, and you know how much we all love to read about bathroom-related riots. Good blog material, bathroom riots.

Posted by: GreenCanary at June 11, 2009 12:05 PM


was this a men's only bathroom? because, seriously, that makes it even worse!

Posted by: ali at June 11, 2009 12:05 PM

Darnit, I can't think of one funny thing to say, this really sucks.

Did you retrieve it from the toilet and use the stall, or did you move on?

Oh, watch out for rabid weasels, I hear they like to curl up in toilet bowls and attack any asshole that comes along.

Posted by: Jeff A at June 11, 2009 12:14 PM

i absolutely LOVE it. LOVE IT. i have had a really shitty day today and it isn't even 10 in the morning. this has made my day!!!!!

Posted by: maria at June 11, 2009 1:08 PM

I'm near tears. At work. Trying to be quiet about it. The albino turd did me in.

What WAS it?

Posted by: jessica at June 11, 2009 1:16 PM

Surely you whipped out your camera phone and took a picture of this?

I think you should have swung open the bathroom doors and called everyone in to check it out. The one person that DIDN'T rush in to see it was the person that dropped it......

Posted by: Jen at June 11, 2009 1:28 PM

You take the prize for the most freakish, outlandish bathroom "adventures"--I agree with Jen's comment--you should have swung open the door and called everyone to check it out. Of course, they all may have wondered, then, if it's like the person who farts and then asks who did it...

Posted by: Liz at June 11, 2009 1:41 PM

Maybe it wasn't a dildo. Maybe, being white-ish "flesh"ish (assuming one is white, of course), it was the leavings of a coke-mule. A stupid coke-mule who forgot what he was doing. Or an innocent one who didn't notice he was eating a giant condom full of coke (good thing he didn't chew). Of course that also makes him a pretty stupid coke-mule.

You just passed up your golden ticket (bad word play not intended but obviously, not avoided)

And I've now roared past my record for the most times I've used "coke-mule" in a comment. The previous record was zero.

Posted by: harmzie at June 11, 2009 4:49 PM

My hubby is always warning our son to be careful in public bathrooms and I'm finally beginning to understand how nasty some men can be.


Posted by: One Mom's Opinion at June 11, 2009 4:51 PM

Come here Sweetie. It's okay. You'll recover....eventually.

Posted by: Maribeth at June 11, 2009 5:52 PM



There's something you don't see every day. (I didn't realize that was a disposable purchase?).

Posted by: sarah at June 11, 2009 9:22 PM

Why do you even bother using public restrooms at all anymore?? :P

Posted by: Pagankinktress at June 11, 2009 9:22 PM

What? No picture?

I think whoever left it there was watching you from the ceiling tiles above or some hidden camera. And the video of your reaction has already been posted on YouTube.

Posted by: Amy at June 13, 2009 9:45 PM

I will tell you a story that may, MAY, make you feel slightly better.

I came home from school on my 18th birthday, made my way down to my room and found a long, skinny wrapped box on my bed. My dad was notorious for leaving me birthday gifts just laying around with no note or explanation, so needless to say, I was excited.

What could it be? A fancy pen? A marble incense burner? Oh, no.

It was a gigantic, veined, perfectly anatomically correct black dildo. Please keep in mind that this was the very first time I'd ever seen an erect penis of any sort. Under it in the box was a package of colored, and oddly enough, flavoured condoms. FROM MY FATHER.

I'd have SO MUCH rather found one in a toilet stall. I hope this helps.

Posted by: Mr Lady at June 14, 2009 3:02 AM


Posted by: Wayne Hall at June 16, 2009 11:28 AM