June 16, 2009

The Whistle Monologues

Over the weekend, Mia told me that she needed to show me something. She was desperate to share whatever it was as the request was infused with drama. And then she reached into her pants.

This scared me a little not because I blush or stammer or become the least bit uncomfortable with anatomically-focused discussions of which there seem to be many in my household. Quite the contrary. I don't mind at all. As a matter of fact, this very weekend Owen and I shared an anatomical eureka moment ourselves when he discovered that I, too, had a penis. I'd just gotten out of the shower. He saw it and rushed me, pointing and shouting. Then he grabbed it and pulled and that was the end of that. Anyway, this scared me only because we've been having the whole vagina-private-parts discussion with her so I was curious to see how much or how little headway we'd made.

Me: Um, Mia? What, exactly, do you want to show me?
Mia: It's not my bottom.
Me: I figured.
Mia: It's my whistle.
Me: Mia, you have to call it what it is. It's your vagina, not your whistle.
Mia: No. I call it my whistle.
Me: And last week you called it your rhinoceros.*
Mia: I mean my whistle, daddy.

At this point I need to tell you that both of us were getting a little frustrated. Mia had clearly not processed our earlier conversations and daddy was just being a dick obstinate.

Me: Okay, your whistle. But we're coming back to this topic at some point.
Mia: Okay
Me: And really, Mia, that's a private part of your body. So it's something you need to keep to yourself unless there's something wrong and then you can show mommy and daddy, okay?
Mia: But I want to show everyone my whistle.
Me: Mia, that really wouldn't be polite.

And then, magically and as if from thin air, she produced an actual, real-life whistle from the depths of her underwear. And blew it.

The lesson? Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And a whistle is not a vagina.

* True story. That one took me a few minutes to noodle through.

Posted by Chris at June 16, 2009 6:10 AM

Hahahaha! She didn't have any pockets?

Posted by: MariaV at June 16, 2009 6:49 AM

Reminds me of the old joke about the inkblot (Rorschach Test).

Man walks into a psychiatrist complaining of feeling ill. The psychiatrist proceeds to show him a series of inkblots and asks him to say the first thing that comes to mind. The man says 'sex' to ever one. The psychiatrist says, "you have sex on the mind". The man says, "Me! You're the one with the filthy pictures in his desk draw". Ba boom

Posted by: ChocolateChipWookie at June 16, 2009 7:04 AM

Mia will love reading this story one day. Or her shrink will. Either way...

Posted by: Country Girl at June 16, 2009 7:32 AM

SOLID GOLD!!!! Loved it.

Posted by: Knot at June 16, 2009 7:51 AM

That's where I keep mine! Never know when a girl will need her whistle!

Posted by: Maribeth at June 16, 2009 8:02 AM

hahahahahaha too hilarious.

Posted by: lapetitebelle at June 16, 2009 8:03 AM

i'm totally envious. i've always thought of putting things in my own underwear as storage, but never followed through. women's pockets are five million times smaller than men's... and seriously... a rhinoceros?

Posted by: SUPAHMAMA! at June 16, 2009 8:28 AM

Every time you tell these stories, I get a kick out of them. And then I thank my lucky stars that I don't have kids yet, cause I'm not sure I could handle it.

Posted by: thetutugirl at June 16, 2009 8:28 AM

Ha! She got you there! I called my husband and read this post to him. He sighed and said, "You remember the time, what were they, 3, and I walked into the bathroom to check on the twins and they were sitting on the floor without a stitch of clothes on, spread eagle, checking out each other's girly bits?" Poor guy had to stand there and answer a hundred questions about why some parts were there. Maybe that's why he covers his ears and sings now whenever female anatomy is discussed at the dinner table.

Posted by: Theresa at June 16, 2009 8:56 AM

Note to self: A whistle is not a vagina. Assuming a rhinoceros is also not a vagina, I think my sex life is about to take a turn for the better.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at June 16, 2009 9:19 AM

OMG I am ROLLING over here! Its as good as a video some one shared with me awhile back where a little girl had 10 or 11 FROGS in her underpants and was letting them go!

LMAO!!!! Way too funny!

Posted by: gypsy at June 16, 2009 9:35 AM

My 4 year old too loves to talk about her vajayjay EVERYWHERE, we have finally got her to understand that this a subject for Mommy and Daddy only. She still comes up to me and whispers in my ear if we are around anyone to tell me a great story about it. makes me laugh everytime, mature I know lol.

Posted by: DeAnna at June 16, 2009 10:01 AM

I love Mia. And you are so much like Bryan.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at June 16, 2009 10:01 AM

Hahahahaha! This is awesome!

Posted by: k8 at June 16, 2009 10:48 AM

I can see where you would be confused, as "whistle" makes way more (grown-up) sense than "rhinoceros"* (I refuse to get into why). But it's a proven fact that small children are smarter and have way more depth than adults. (case-in-point: they would never say crap like "proven fact")

*I don't think I have *ever* had to write out the word "rhinoceros" before. Hmm.

Posted by: harmzie at June 16, 2009 11:13 AM

I fucking love parenthood sometimes. Just cracks me up.

The other day, my son and I had a good laugh at a post-nap erection that he couldn't shake off. We never said a word, because I couldn't think of any. We just laughed, tucked it in some underwear and shorts, and moved along. :)

Posted by: Brad at June 16, 2009 11:29 AM

Your kid? Comic genius.

PS - Unload the dishwasher already, dude.

Posted by: Rebecca at June 16, 2009 11:31 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...my office mates are staring because I can't stop laughing! Now I have to share the whistle story.

Thanks for the laugh this a.m. I needed that!

*snort* rhinoceros... awesome!

Posted by: zanie at June 16, 2009 1:05 PM

Oh, btw, if you don't unload the dishwasher, you're going to start getting dinner on dirty plates.

Posted by: zanie at June 16, 2009 1:12 PM

Promise me you'll teach her the real truth: vagina is something one needs a speculum and a flashlight to actually see.

Posted by: bhd at June 16, 2009 1:22 PM

Ha! This morning,my three year old told me she could see my butt and then jabbed my crotch with her finger, "THERE IT IS!" I was fully clothed, otherwise it would have been a whole lot more awkward than it already was.

Posted by: sarah at June 16, 2009 1:58 PM

"Mia, that really wouldn't be polite." Teehee. I think she might need to find some new pocket options ;)

Posted by: Heather at June 16, 2009 4:20 PM

ROFL!!!!! "But I want to show everyone my whistle!" Oh my gosh, it doesn't get much better than that!

Posted by: Nicki at June 16, 2009 5:11 PM

Oh man. definitely "not polite".

Posted by: Wayne Hall at June 16, 2009 7:03 PM

Best story of my week! :)

Posted by: Stephanie at June 16, 2009 7:23 PM

I "ran" over here from FB when I saw your comment about your post... and had a fantastic laugh! Thank you for sharing, and thank you Mia for, uh, showing your daddy your (actual) whistle.

What makes it even funnier is that you were walking on eggshells while she was being all serious and really was talking about a whistle.

Posted by: ironic1 at June 16, 2009 9:52 PM

Oh my GOD, I'm so glad that I didn't have a drink in front of my or I swear I literally would have spit it all over my keyboard. SO FUNNY.

I gave your wife lots of nasty tips on how to get you to unload the dishwasher. Somehow, not one of the comments in the three times I tried to send would stick, so I guess you're off the hook. :P (really, they weren't nearly as nasty as the other commenters...WHEW!)

When Hubs was small he had Jake in the shower with him, and Jake slipped. Little guys tend to grab whatever is handy to steady themselves, and...ouch. LOLOL.

Posted by: Scattered Mom at June 16, 2009 9:53 PM

He yanked your wank huh....that's funny.

Posted by: Surfer Jay at June 16, 2009 11:08 PM

The lesson? Kids will put their mouths on anything.

Posted by: Sabrina at June 17, 2009 8:50 AM

after being w/o internet for all of last week I'm catching up on my blogs and this made me choke on my granola bar!! Man I love that kid!! lol

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