June 18, 2009

Trying to Empty The Dishwasher*

I present to you any number of signs that I have, perhaps, chosen the wrong doctor.

Me: Hi, I was referred to you by my primary care physician and I'd like to schedule an appointment to come in and see Dr. Smith.
Receptionist: Okay, sir. What would this appointment be about?
Me: A vasectomy.
Receptionist: And when would you like to have your vasectomy? We have openings next Tuesday and Thursday.
Me: I was kinda hoping to come in and meet the doctor and talk about the procedure. Before having it done.
Receptionist: Snip snip. There. That's the procedure. When do you want to come in for the vasectomy?
Me: Still hoping to see a doctor.
Receptionist: I just told you when he'll do.
Me: Yeah, but are you a board-certified medical practitioner?
Receptionist: No.
Me: Then I'm thinking - and no offense intended - I'd like to talk to an actual doctor who's, you know, trained in the snip-snipping.
Receptionist: Why?
Me: At the very lest, I'd like to talk to him and make sure I'm comfortable with him.
Receptionist: He snips your balls. Takes five minutes. What's there to be comfortable with?
Me: If he was, you know, a meth addict who wore a clown suit to work everyday, I might think twice.
Receptionist: He's never worn a clown suit to work.
Me: How about the meth?
Receptionist: I don't think so. He's Jewish.
Me: What does being Jewish have to do with meth?
Receptionist: It's against the teachings of the Koran.
Me: Um... Never mind. I'd still like to see the doctor.
Receptionist: He has some available appointments in late July.
Me: You just told me he could do the procedure next Tuesday.
Receptionist: He doesn't really consult with people much. Just does the operating.
Me: You know what?
Receptionist: What?
Me: I've got the name of another doctor I might try.
Receptionist: Suit yourself. Just give us a call.
Me: When hell freezes over. When hell freezes over I'll come in, get snipped and ice my balls with a small slice of hell.

Luckily, I have a few more names on my list. Moving right along...

* more about "the dishwasher".

Posted by Chris at June 18, 2009 5:54 AM

Well, if he's Jewish, he ought to know all about 'snip snipping'. He's certainly got first hand experience which is more than you can say for most male gynachologists.

Posted by: ChocolateChipWookie at June 18, 2009 6:03 AM

Uhhhh...hmm. That's really all I can say! Good luck!

Posted by: Stephanie at June 18, 2009 6:58 AM

...Only you could have such a conversation. :)

Sounds like the dishwasher only needs some minor repairs--get those ball bearings looked at stat, or you just might find that the shaft will seize. Sorry, I couldn't resist. ;)

Posted by: Nanette at June 18, 2009 6:59 AM

Wait, what does this have to do with loading the dishwasher? :P
And that nurse scares me!! I think it's totally understandable to want to talk to the doctor before he gets QUITE that up close and personal with you!

Posted by: Heather at June 18, 2009 7:04 AM

I wonder if the doctor knows that she handles his telephone calls in such a manner. Do people really let doctors they have not met near their bodies with cutting instruments?

Are you trying tell us that once you have the vasectomy all the dishwashers in your house will be empty? :-)

Posted by: MariaV at June 18, 2009 7:18 AM

You seriously need to bring home flowers, clive owen or something to appease for the dishwasher debacle. YIKES!

And who knew that when contemplating if someone was a meth head just asking their religion would relieve all your doubts.

Posted by: Dee at June 18, 2009 7:19 AM

Are you trying to say that Beth felt exactly like you did while having this convo with the receptionist? Frustrated! haha

Posted by: Tera at June 18, 2009 7:40 AM

I'm not even a guy, and my balls ache just going through the discussion above. Sweet Mother of God! Isn't there another way?
I may not be able to sit down the rest of the day, and I am a female!

Posted by: Maribeth at June 18, 2009 8:28 AM

Oh my goodness, I am beyond thrilled. I dont know what changed, but today I can access your blog after months of not being able to! SO EXCITED. Much to catch up on.

Posted by: alfredsmom at June 18, 2009 8:32 AM

My first reaction is, there is NO way this story is true.

And then I remember who I'm reading.

Protip on the big V - Opt for the valium!

Posted by: Jase at June 18, 2009 9:37 AM

Best of luck on the upcoming emptying of the dishwasher! As I just wrote on Beth's blog, just imagine all the cooking that can be done once the dishwasher's empty! Woohoo, par-tay! ;)

Posted by: RzDrms at June 18, 2009 11:06 AM

I work for a surgeon and you wouldn't believe the people that call us after calling a different doctor and tell us they just had your conversation with the other receptionist. Seriously.

Posted by: k8 at June 18, 2009 11:29 AM

holy crap? really? Then again all I do all day is deal with people from doctor's offices so why does this surprise me so damn much!? Freak show. She is a freak show. Seriously.

Then again the doctor won't see you to consult because he makes more money if he just "snip snips" (ie: bills for a surgery versus a consult.) Bet his house is f***ing huge!

Actually now that I am thinking about it - dude's smart. Put a bully on the phone and force every guy who calls into doing a surgery right away thus skipping the consult and making more money. There has got to be some AMA rule he is breaking!

Am appalled.

Posted by: Christina at June 18, 2009 11:37 AM

omg, that dishwasher story is all coming together for me now! hahaha...

and that dr sucks. i think even my dog got a consult first :p

Posted by: kati at June 18, 2009 11:52 AM

I honestly thought the dishwasher had been unloaded like a year ago.

Posted by: Becky at June 18, 2009 12:02 PM

The comments on Beth's blog are hilarious.

Posted by: LeSombre at June 18, 2009 12:25 PM

I think Beth will take care of that vasectomy for you. With a dirty knife.

Posted by: Julia at June 18, 2009 12:30 PM

True story - the name of the doc who did the sni-snip on my husband? Dr. D. Nutting.

Buy bags of frozen peas. You'll need them. Heh.

Posted by: Theresa at June 18, 2009 1:10 PM

I've accompanied two men to their vasectomies. My ex-husband and my former boss. (Thank God my boss didn't ask me to be in the room with him. Just take him to the appointment and take him home.) Their pre-op appointment was the doctor walking in, handing them a script for valium for the day of the surgery and then walking out. It lasted 2 minutes, after waiting 45 minutes for the appt., and they were both annoyed.

But - I would tell you to get a doctor who gives a script for Valium pre-surgery. It really helped.

Posted by: Mindy at June 18, 2009 1:30 PM

My hubby discussed the snipping at length with his doctor before scheduling the V. The doctor also wanted to ensure he was sure that he never wanted more kids. I'd complain about that doctor's office, totally not professional.

Posted by: One Mom's Opinion at June 18, 2009 2:07 PM

Dude just get snipped. It isn't a big deal.

Also, empty the damn dishwasher already. (Hint: men who do dishes are sexy. I think Beth might agree with me.)

Posted by: jessica at June 18, 2009 2:28 PM

If you continue to fail at emptying the dishwasher, Beth may administer the snipping for free, though there may be more ripping involved rather than actual snipping.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at June 18, 2009 2:42 PM

She's right though. That's it. Snip-snip! But I think it's a trend that v-doctors are not very personable. As if they feel guilty about inflicting the ball snipping on their fellow males. Or something.

B's doctor wasn't particularly personable either. But it's all done now so...

Posted by: oakley at June 18, 2009 3:01 PM

Oh man, I can't believe that almost everyone over there thought she was seriously talking about the dishwasher. Comedy gold.

Posted by: Anna at June 18, 2009 3:02 PM


When Mark had his done, not only did the Dr. consult beforehand, but he insisted on meeting with both of us before doing the procedure. He felt it was really important to make sure everyone was on the same page and fully understood how the whole thing works.

I guess some Dr's aren't so... um, considerate?

OR, he wears a pimp suit, not a clown suit.

Posted by: Elaine at June 18, 2009 3:47 PM

There's a guy on the corner of Florida and Connecticut that will do it for $5.

Posted by: DCUrbanDad at June 18, 2009 4:55 PM

I say you are totally lying about the Koran part.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at June 18, 2009 5:41 PM

And re: "dishwasher".

Watch this and learn where your quotes should go.

I do this as a public service. For my blood pressure.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at June 18, 2009 5:44 PM

I told my Hubs years ago that I was NOT going to be on the pill anymore, and should he not want more children, he'd have to be snipped.

We didn't have sex for what felt like forever-me refusing to do the pill, him refusing to get snipped until we both finally just gave up.

Weird thing? Still no pill. He's not snipped. It's been 8 years and I still haven't gotten pregnant.

Posted by: Scatteredmom at June 18, 2009 7:42 PM

Here in Canada, I've noticed, there is no such luxury as meeting with a dr to see if you are comfortable. If you can find a dr who will accept new patients, good luck, and will give you an appointment, you take it.

Posted by: jodi at June 18, 2009 7:55 PM

Here in Canada, I've noticed, there is no such luxury as meeting with a dr to see if you are comfortable. If you can find a dr who will accept new patients, good luck, and will give you an appointment, you take it.

Posted by: jodi at June 18, 2009 7:55 PM


Posted by: Maggie at June 18, 2009 10:47 PM

ROFL! I didn't read all her comments, but I have no idea how all those people missed that fact that she was not talking about an appliance!

Posted by: Debra at June 18, 2009 11:00 PM

I woke up understanding about the dishwasher reference. I must have dreamed about you Chris!

Posted by: Tera at June 19, 2009 2:28 AM

That is awful. When Ex went through the snipsnip, we had a mandatory consultation.Yes, WE. They wanted to make sure that we were both definitely done with the baby making thing. Apparently I had a right to a vote about His balls. I still think that's odd. Anyway, while she's right, it is very simple and the consultation isn't exactly imperative - men and their balls have a very close personal relationship. Disregarding the deep emotions that these two (three?) share and going straight in for the cut is just insensitive.

Posted by: Ms Sassy Pants at June 19, 2009 11:14 AM

No one's homing in on my private parts without at least a cursory introduction to my face first!

In Austin we have a man-parts doctor named Dick Chopp, no lie.

Posted by: reen at June 19, 2009 3:19 PM

wow... that is just so wrong.

Posted by: katie at June 20, 2009 3:04 AM

hilarious. freakin' genius.

Posted by: La Petite Belle at June 22, 2009 11:20 AM