August 4, 2009

Further Proof Beer And Reality Television Will Fix Anything

There are two stories in the news that I'm exceptionally tired of hearing about because, quite honestly, they mean sweet fuck-all to me and the world as we know it. Okay, I lied. Three. There are three stories.

I'm tired of hearing about Jon and Kate especially since they both seem to be terrible people. Jon, because he's been running around Europe and the Hamptons with various fame-seeking, barely legal hot-chick-opportunists (which Beth swears is exactly what I'd do if I suddenly became hugely wealthy and/or single but I so wouldn't) and Lindsay Lohan's dad (and talk about fame-seeking whore). And Kate is just as much of a shrew as she ever was, with her reverse porcupine mullet and heightened perception of her own importance. Plus, she's getting a crash-pad in the DC area, reportedly to be close to her new boy-toy who, apparently, isn't afraid of the prospect of being stabbed through the heart with a stray piece of heavily hair-sprayed white-lady weave.

Conclusion: Jon and Kate are irrelevant. If they were concerned about their kids, they'd drop out of public view and get their shit together. Obviously, they don't care that much.

I'm tired of Sara Palin because, well, she's Sarah Palin. Isn't that reason enough? She's noteworthy now only because she's a quitter. She swore an oath to do her job to the best of her ability (seriously, the text of the oath of office prescribed by the Constitution of the State of Alaska states in part I will faithfully discharge my duties as governor to the best of my ability) and apparently quitting her job is just about the extent of what we can expect from her. That's kinda like going to a bank and withdrawing $100 and the teller stopping at $60. My dad always taught me that when you quit something you limit your options in the future. I used to hate that speech but now, in retrospect, he was totally correct.

Conclusion: Palin might try a presidential run in 2012 but the best should hope for is another Emmy nomination for Tina Fey and a sequel to Nailin' Palin.

I'm tired of the whole Harvard Home Invasion debacle. Sure, race relations have a long way to go. Sure, black men in this country are unfairly targeted. Sure, cops sometimes overreact. But I'm not altogether sure that this is a case of any of those things. My perception of this incident (perception, because I wasn't there) was that this was a fuck up. Fuck ups happen. People apologize. And while I think Obama's Beer Summit was a great idea, the fanfare with which it was hyped totally overshadowed the intended laid-back approach to the whole affair. And, as I mentioned on Facebook, I'm no beer snob but did Obama really voluntarily choose Bud Light? Or did some team of staff members spend a week studying the beer-drinking habits of the Democratic base and determine that Bud Light was the most politically neutral beer Obama could publicly imbibe?

Conclusion: Beer is magical. It tastes yummy, especially on a nice hot day. And while beer is probably single-handedly responsible for some college dropouts, the occasional car accident and impromptu sex in the backrooms of bars around the world, I just can't make myself believe that beer's magical properties extend to healing America's racial divide and equality in the delivery of justice.

Maybe the Harvard professor and the cop should star in a reality TV show together. And maybe Jon and Kate should sit down and have a beer together. Sarah Palin can just go drink alone. There. Problems solved.

Posted by Chris at August 4, 2009 6:40 AM

All points well taken.
Personally, I think a mini brewery beer would have been a better choice. Vermont has a beer called Otter Creek, and it is really good!
Meanwhile what about beers for the automobile makers, the Senate and Congress and perhaps the Governors of the country? While we're spreading mythical beer healing and happiness, may as well start there.

Posted by: Maribeth at August 4, 2009 7:20 AM

I've always believed the Harvard Home Invasion was less racial and more of a gender issue. Yeah.
See, had it been two women breaking into that house, several squad cars would have shown up and helped break the front door open.

And then there would have been beer.
Oh, yes, there would.

Posted by: Roses at August 4, 2009 8:15 AM

Astute you are, as always. Just realized that that phrasing makes me sound like Yoda, but I am feeling a little green this morning, so I'll leave it.

My husband's theory about Sarah Palin is that she will run for president, get elected and quit halfway through because she will decide she really wants to be the Pope.

Posted by: Elizabeth at August 4, 2009 8:32 AM

I am mentally high fiving you on all points. Especially the J&K+8 thing. Argh. If I hear "We're doing what's best for the kids", or "It's all about the kids", one more time, I'm going to stab someone. What are they doing? Airing the martial issues on national television so it will be documented for the children to watch later? Yeah, that's awesome.

Posted by: js at August 4, 2009 8:50 AM

I confess, I tuned in to J&K+8 last night. Pretty much so I could mutter "douchebag" everytime John appeared in front of me. Originally I was all "Kate's a shrew - free John!" but now I still think Kate can be a shrew but I think John should be shipped back to the hell hole of his own making. BUT I'm deliriously thankful that neither one of them was on the cover of my last week's People magazine. I hope, like Brittany, and Lindsey they are finally fading to the background.
Sara Palin is a joke - plain and simple. She tried, she failed, now go away.
I think the Harvard Home Incident was a case of cooler heads should have prevailed but they didn't. Both should have said "whoa", taken a step back and a deep breath and moved on.
In conclusion, BEER IS GOOD. From Schaffer (my first sips as a child) to Corona, my beer of choice.

Posted by: NancyJ at August 4, 2009 9:06 AM

I completely agree on these points; and I am glad to see some people out there see that there's an easy solution: beer!

Posted by: Claire at August 4, 2009 9:33 AM

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."...Ben Franklin

As for the rest, you are spot-on, as always.

Posted by: Krush at August 4, 2009 9:45 AM the country song says:

"God is great, Beer is good, and People are crazy"...that about sums up your post!

Posted by: Krush at August 4, 2009 9:50 AM

Your conclusion beer is going to make me laugh for the rest of my day. Thank you!

Posted by: Jessie at August 4, 2009 10:10 AM

Your conclusion on beer is excellent, and will keep me smiling for the rest of my day. Thanks!

Posted by: Jessie at August 4, 2009 10:11 AM

you forgot the fourth. michael jackson. are you tired of that being the top story every day like we are?

Posted by: kati at August 4, 2009 10:33 AM

I was bored and flipping through AP photos of the beer summit - can you believe they took a close-up of the little bowls of pretzels? Like we care if they had pretzels or peanuts.

Posted by: Heather at August 4, 2009 11:21 AM

What? You're not sick of hearing about MJ too?

Posted by: Rose Winters at August 4, 2009 11:24 AM

Beer IS magical :)

Posted by: LaineyDid at August 4, 2009 12:12 PM

Hear, Hear!!

Posted by: Tracy H at August 4, 2009 1:37 PM

I have been trying to tell you about the magic in beer for years. I'm glad you finally listened.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at August 4, 2009 5:10 PM

Hey, I'd totally sit through Sarah running for president if it would guarantee an Emmy for Tina Fey. Plus it would be wild fun for Jon Stewart too right? It would be serious service to the country, and probably the most good Sarah could do in the world, just to give those two the quality material they deserve.

Posted by: Jo MacD at August 4, 2009 8:05 PM

Can I add one to your list of things I'm tired of hearing about? The Casey Anthony Trial. Although it's probably more here in Central Florida - but between our local news and the Today Show/GMA/Early Show...I can't stand it anymore...And who knows when she will actually go to trial.

Whew...thanks for letting me vent. Now if only I had a beer handy.

Posted by: melissa at August 4, 2009 9:05 PM

The fact that anyone even drinks Bud Light is enough to make me despair of my fellow man.

I'm at the point where I'm going to offer my local grocery store hard cash to hide the Jon & Kate headlines while I stand in the checkout line.

Or maybe a beer. Bud Light you say?

Posted by: Mandy at August 6, 2009 12:28 AM