September 22, 2009

My Nuts

These are my nuts.


Like so many of the world's nuts, my nuts are found in a hairy sack which, when opened, reveals smooth, moist, nutty perfection.

These fine specimens are chestnuts. Sweet chestnuts, specifically. Our yard contains several chestnut trees which are without a doubt the loveliest, greenest and leafiest trees we've ever had. They are also without question the dirtiest. About this time of year the, um, nut sacks begin dropping from the tree, peppering our yard with nuts and husks. This delights the squirrels, the population of which is easily ten times its normal size. But us? Well, we're not so thrilled. See, the nut sacks are heavy and end up absolutely everywhere. Literally. We've got the only chestnut trees within a mile radius but take a walk in our neighborhood and the nut sacks are everywhere. The husks cover every available surface of our yard if we'd let them. Covered in spikes like some bizarre medieval instruments of war or torture, the little fuckers hurt. They're not easily removed or disposed of. Typical nut sack removal requires the use of thick plastic trash cans, heavy leather gloves, a rake and a snow shovel. The fact that they're heavy and drop from the sky yielding to breeze or gravity or both makes them hazardous too. Getting clocked in the head with a nut sack is a painful prospect. I can hear them fall in the middle of the night, a rustling of leaves followed by a thunk as they hit the ground.

In short, my nuts are a menace.

This is the third Season Of The Chestnut we've had since living in our house. The two previous years we adopted a take-no-prisoners approach to our nuts, breakout out the gloves and snow shovels and disposing of the nuts and their sacks while silently (though sometimes aloud) cursing the trees. This year, however, we did a little research. Things You Can Do With Chestnuts. Turns out, the list is rather long, primarily focused on roasting and baking. So, on Sunday, Mia and I spent the vast majority of the day tracking down chestnuts, liberating them from their sacks.

And now we have a sack of nut-sack liberated nuts (huh?). My question to you - in pounds and ounces - how much do my nuts weigh?

Posted by Chris at September 22, 2009 6:20 AM

6 pounds, 9 ounces...what do I win?

Posted by: Al at September 22, 2009 7:11 AM

Them's some pretty nuts ya got there, pardner. Do they weigh 26 pounds 10 ounces?

Posted by: Michelle at September 22, 2009 7:14 AM

They weigh enough to scare Dame Edna?

Posted by: Jenn too at September 22, 2009 7:37 AM

Hmmmm how about 24 lbs 4 ounces. Now how did I come up with that number? Hell I don't know I just picked it out of the air.

Posted by: Trish Vicory at September 22, 2009 8:28 AM

Without so much guessing about the weight of your nuts ( * giggle giggle * ), have you thought about building a nut catcher? Seriously. Take a look at the mechanical devices that farmers use for harvesting oranges and other fruit trees: basically it is an inverted umbrella that goes around the trunk of the tree, a little wider than the width of the outlying branches. Nuts fall down and collect in the bottom. Easier to collect, and less "travelling nut" problems.

Either way, enjoy playing with your nuts. ( * giggle giggle snarf * )

Posted by: metawizard at September 22, 2009 8:44 AM

I'm going with 13.5 pounds, but I'd rather not touch them to see if I'm right.

Posted by: CK Lunchbox at September 22, 2009 8:49 AM

Like I would touch that question with a ten foot pole! Oh, got 10 pounds worth?

Posted by: Theresa at September 22, 2009 9:15 AM

I couldn't possibly hazard a guess without weighing your nuts in my hand. And that would be awkward in many, many ways.

Posted by: Loth at September 22, 2009 9:16 AM

I would say your nuts weight 27lbs, 4 oz. and I thank you for the morning chuckle...hee hee nice nuts :-)

Posted by: Diane at September 22, 2009 9:19 AM

All cleverness escapes me as I think all the applicable puns and innuendo have already been (well) covered, so I'll just say 12 lbs 4 oz.

Posted by: Elizabeth at September 22, 2009 9:26 AM

2 lbs. 9 oz.

We have oak trees, and the squirrels like to sit up there and throw acorns at us. Very annoying.

Posted by: Karen at September 22, 2009 9:31 AM

i thought this post was going to be about emptying the dishwasher...

Posted by: RzDrms at September 22, 2009 9:47 AM

I thought it was about the dishwasher too. Ha! I can't wait to hear what you do with the sack 'o nuts! I never knew you could really eat them. I thought that was just part of the Christmas song.

Posted by: k8 at September 22, 2009 9:54 AM

3.5 lbs.

Nice nuts.

Posted by: Brad at September 22, 2009 10:08 AM

Growing up, we called them "monkey balls" for some reason.

18 lbs, 3 oz.

Posted by: DeLurking Di at September 22, 2009 11:09 AM

I'm going with 8 lbs. No real reason why.

I first ate chestnuts in Japan and they are very tasty when roasted. Kind of like a potato. I grew up in NY where they roast them on the street in those giant metal carts in the winter time but never tried them.

Posted by: Annie at September 22, 2009 11:16 AM

Ahhh, Castanas! That's Italian for your nuts. I mean chestnuts. This brings back memories of living in NYC as a child. Vendors would roast chestnuts then push them around the city in a shopping cart yelling "Castanas! Castanas!" They'd serve them up in a small brown bag and they were delicious. Mmmmmm, your roasted nuts will be fantastic!

Posted by: pinetree at September 22, 2009 11:49 AM

Oh I love chestnuts, and make chestnut dressing for my turkey each Thanksgiving! YUM!
Okay I'm guessing 175 pounds.

Posted by: Maribeth at September 22, 2009 11:52 AM

Yum, chestnuts! My grandparents had chestnut trees when I was younger (I think they have since been cut down, hmmm, must ask my father as he now lives in their house! I don't remember chestnuts for quite some time now) and we used to roast them every fall/winter. They are yummy! Lucky guess, 10.2 lbs.

We are the unfortunate owners of many black walnut trees, so we feel your pain...although they are not spikey, if left alone on the ground for a day or two, they rot enough to turn into black ooze that gets everywhere! I suggest to all if you have black walnut trees, don't get a westie (a white dog) because that dog will end up with black spots during the fall months!

Have lots of fun with your nuts! ;-)

Posted by: cyndy at September 22, 2009 1:12 PM

Why don't you invite neighbors over for a nut-grabbing contest/party...

Posted by: LaineyDid at September 22, 2009 1:46 PM

If I wus you I would thank each of your nuts today cause back in 1910 there wus a fungus tat got on one nut in your town and before anyone could stroke their trunks all the nuts where gone. When it comes to the weight of your nuts I think Beth could answer tat best.

Posted by: madmilker at September 22, 2009 2:20 PM

If you think I'm gonna answer that question, you're nuts!

Posted by: Tom at September 22, 2009 2:40 PM

See, at least you can eat your chestnuts. We have one chestnut tree, liberally sprinkling our yard with spiky menaces, BUT it's a horse chestnut and therefore the nuts are toxic. There's no perk. We'd love to cut it down and plant something else but our city bylaws forbid removing healthy trees. A $10,000 fine is not something to sneeze at. So every fall we trudge into the backyard and pick up the nuts & sacks. *sigh* I feel your pain.

Posted by: Carmen at September 22, 2009 3:45 PM

My guess is a bushel and a peck.

Posted by: Tess at September 22, 2009 4:06 PM

Hmm...I would guess...8lbs. 7oz...just cause that was the weight of my "nut" I gave birth to 17 yrs. all else fails put Mia out selling roasted chestnuts on the a lemonade stand...good luck!!!

Posted by: Roberta at September 22, 2009 5:41 PM

Your nuts weigh 7lbs 13oz.

your nuts look kind of pokey! like a sea urchin. lol

Posted by: Kris at September 22, 2009 10:13 PM

Hey - it's Nicole from Liberal Banana. I started a new blog since I don't want to write on LB anymore. I'm just seeing this post now and I just had to comment! We have a chestnut tree, too, and I've been saving as many of them as I can before the squirrels steal them away. I plan to make something with them, too! If you found any great recipes, let me know!

Posted by: Frau Farmer at September 25, 2009 1:29 PM

No idea on the weight, but if you ever want to box up some of your nuts and send them my way...chestnuts are my very favorite kinds :)

Posted by: Arwen at September 28, 2009 9:26 AM

Various people in the world receive the business loans from various banks, just because it's fast and easy.

Posted by: Thomas24Maribel at July 10, 2010 4:39 PM

Quelqu'un peut-il me dire comment obtenir les avatars peu à montrer dans ma section des commentaires? merci!hdf

Posted by: Lancel at November 18, 2011 3:41 AM