October 6, 2009

Something Bizarre This Way Comes

Once again, I combed my server logs to bring the very best and well, not-so-brightest search strings together in one fabulous post. And just for shits and giggles - because who doesn't need, well, just giggles, really - I have scoured my overworked spam filter to see what kinds of things are being peddled. Without further ado, the best and most frightening Crap That's Been Aimed In My General Direction For The Past Month or Two.

  • Nymphomaniac midgets. Story of my life, my friend. Story of my life.
  • 1st star to the left and straight on till morning. Second star, dumbass. Peter Pan needs a GPS. Take the first star to the right and someone's going to clock you over the head and strip your fairy dust for parts.
  • Living with two women. Come and knock on our door...
  • How to tell if your cactus can get you high. Just say no.
  • What can you say about canned goods. Well, they're goods...and they're in cans. Um. That's about it.
  • Office Downblouse. Is this some Microsoft productivity application I know nothing about?
  • Impossible things to make. Jessica Simpson talented...pickled beets tasty...
  • Robbed using a dildo. How'd you like to be that guy? Yeah, I got robbed once. I was working in the 7-11 and this guy came in and stuck me up with a dildo. It was so realistic that I couldn't help feeling threatened so I turned over all the cash, a bunch of lottery tickets and a dozen Big Bites.
  • Turning myself in to be tried by a jury of my piers and I will prove my innonce. Spelling is not your strong suit, unless you are, actually, a dock trying to prove your innonce. If you are a pier, I commend you on your excellent spelling.
  • Generation born between 1965 and 1980 rude. Hey, fuck off fuckhead.
  • Geckos survive a flush down the toilet. Better get Geico.
  • Book where dude falls out of tree and breaks leg then dies years later. Fuck. Damn, that's uncool. I don't know what book it is but you totally ruined it for me and now, when I find that book - because I will due to my vow to read everything - I will really and truly be let down.
  • I had sex after wedding in Wisconsin with Kali. Mazeltov!
  • ilovegranny.com. Why do I get the terrible feeling that that's not love in the let's take grandma some cookies kinda way?
  • Big black caulk. Someone is going to be very disappointed and unsatisfied in their trip to Home Depot.
  • H1N1 killer bees. I think you're confusing two separate catastrophes but if you can get killer bees to spread H1N1, you've got yourself a movie of the week.
  • There are some things in my past that I wish I could forget and I wish I could take back but that's not how life works its a one way track...we have to learn from our mistakes and keep our head up even during the hardest times and the worst of luck. True dat.
  • If your pee pee goes in your eyes can you get blind. The only excuse for this search string is if you're an astronaut peeing in zero gravity wondering what you just did to yourself.
  • Lick own nipple blog. I just tried. Couldn't do it. Try somewhere else.

Those were the search strings. And now for the email.
  • Your cell operator cheats! Yes, I get my cell service from Dave Letterman.
  • White guy's confession. Can't dance, can't play basketball.
  • Get bigger tool in your pants there is, bigger man you feel like. Yoda's writing spam!
  • Britney embedded ass-jewel. I don't even want to know what that is or how it's mined.
  • By enhancing your friend down there you enhance your popularity. Wait, are we talking about midgets again?
  • Bush will return in 2012! What kind of bush are we talking about here? If it's Dubya fuck!. If it's the other kind, well...
  • More inches in your pants, less steps to success. Now, how's that going to work. Unless we're talking about a true third leg. But still, that would be more steps, right? Maybe a pole vault-like action?
  • Mate like Clinton? Get a blue dress and an intern.
  • Why wasting time here? Because I'm looking for funny shit in my inbox so I don't have to use my brain to write a real post.

What's the weirdest site you've seen on the net?

Posted by Chris at October 6, 2009 6:10 AM

The pier one is by far my favorite.

And holy hell! Am I commenter Numero Uno?? Declan should wake me up at 5 am more often. Do I get a cookie or something???

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at October 6, 2009 7:40 AM

The novel about someone falling out of a tree? It's called A Separate Peace. I remember reading it sophomore year in high school. That I could pull the name out of thin air after 25 years is remarkable.

You do realize that by posting these you increase the chances of oddball search strings to find your blog right?

Posted by: MinivanNinja at October 6, 2009 7:48 AM

My guess about that book "where dude falls out of tree" is A Separate Peace by John Knowles.

Weird sites? I came across one many years ago (not sure why or how) where you could design your own poo...I have never been able to find it since.

Posted by: Sarcy at October 6, 2009 7:56 AM

Thanks for the giggles!

Posted by: Elizabeth at October 6, 2009 8:23 AM

I giggled at the ilovegranny. Rocrebelgranny (my blog even though I haven't been posting lately) gets some very strange hits too. People are odd.

Posted by: Ann Adams at October 6, 2009 8:43 AM

Trouser Anaconda

Posted by: Dawn at October 6, 2009 8:50 AM

Maybe not the weirdest, but out there -- The Dead People server. http://dpsinfo.com/dps/

One woman keeps track of all things dead and dying.

Posted by: Marshall Karp at October 6, 2009 10:34 AM

Laughed my butt off at the yoda spam.

and the mental image of you trying to lick your own nipple...well that's just....well yeah.

Strange Spam for the day: "Hair Care: now you can enhance your sex life." uhm...not really an issue, but thanx anyway!

also "and why were you punishing me?" obviously, you were very naughty and I take great pleasure in it, of course.

Posted by: Kris at October 6, 2009 11:07 AM

Probably people who think they're being normal, like Peter Pan fanatics, or people who think animals are just little people. Actually, I did read instructions on how to make love to your dogs. That was probably the most disturbing. And no, I don't have a dog so don't go there. ;)

Posted by: Brad at October 6, 2009 11:34 AM

Your other astute commenters beat me to the "Separate Peace" revelation. We read that in Junior High. I should read it again.

I can't contribute to the spam convo. I have truly excellent spam filters so I rarely see the stuff.

Posted by: Brooke at October 6, 2009 11:48 AM

Always fun to start off a day with the sheer weirdness of other people :P

Posted by: Heather at October 6, 2009 12:53 PM

Damn, I was not the first one to realize the book was A Separate Peace. I'm curious... did you really not pick up on that? I just assumed you'd read everything I'd ever read.

Posted by: stephanie at October 6, 2009 12:59 PM

Oh my. Oh, oh my. I don't know about the weirdest site, but I will confess to googling some of these things to try and figure out how they got you YOUR site. I'm at a loss.

Posted by: caleal at October 6, 2009 1:50 PM

I love those search engine queries. The human race is seriously fucked up and scary.

Chris you have a true talent for humor. You could do stand up comedy with bathroom stories and search engine queries.

Posted by: jessica at October 6, 2009 1:56 PM

best site on the new for sending your crazy friends:


Posted by: Wade at October 6, 2009 5:17 PM

Shhhhh.....no one was supposed to find out I was in Wisconsin!

Posted by: Kali at October 6, 2009 5:26 PM

I love it when you do these!

Weirdest site? Well, how about all of those game sites where you can kill penguins by launching them into the air?

Posted by: Theresa at October 7, 2009 6:09 AM