November 5, 2009

Holidays: Earlier Every Year

Mia: Yay, Christmas is coming!!
Me: Well, soonish. But there's lots of good stuff between now and Christmas.
Mia: Like what?
Me: Like Mommy's birthday and Thanksgiving and Daddy's birthday. Christmas is neat but there are lots of other fun and important days.
Mia: Oh. Yeah.

Now, I don't begrudge my daughter her love of Christmas. I remember, as a kid, loving Christmas with a similar passion, a passion that started sometime around September and went right up through the opening of the presents and subsequent playing. But time goes too fast. I don't want to stop my kids from loving Christmas but slowing them down might not be a bad idea. And jesus whoever comes up with the Christmas marketing campaigns sure isn't helping.

Used to be you'd start seeing Christmas displays and ads right around or just after Thanksgiving. Then November 1st seemed to be the trigger. This year for whatever reason - maybe companies think they have to fight harder for your buck since there are fewer bucks out there - the Christmas competition seemed to get ratcheted up before Halloween. Last week, for instance, a few holidays were all sharing shelf space. It was surreal. In the grocery store, Halloween candy was stacked next to Christmas-themed M&Ms. At the party store, zombie masks and fake severed hands dripping blood were positioned right next to a gigantic stack of candy canes. Ho ho ho, undead season's greetings. Maybe the zombies need something minty fresh after eating brains.

< sarcasm >

Personally, I think it's great. I mean, we are after all in America where you can get a one pound burger, a tub of Coke the size of a small car, a semi-automatic handgun and a blowjob without traveling more than a mile or two and most likely for a very reasonable price (though I wouldn't know about the blowjob since I get those for free). So why shouldn't we have all our holidays all the damn time? Fuck the foreplay, the warm up acts to the major holidays. I want to be able to buy Easter peeps and egg dying kits in July. I want to stock up on pumpkin carving kits, costumes and styrofoam tombstones in January and I damn well better be able to buy a fake Christmas tree and all the trimmings in March. I want President's Day sales in June, Fourth of July fireworks in September and those little hearts with the messages on them, yeah, those would taste better in April. Arbor Day...well...let's just cross Arbor Day off the list because there isn't any good Arbor Day merchandise to spend money on.

< / sarcasm >

I love holidays, especially Christmas. But isn't what makes Christmas and the holiday season special is that it happens over a finite amount of time once a year? Let's go back to blowjobs. Christmas is kinda like that. I mean, if you got blowjobs everyday you'd head home after work all 5:00 and time to get a blowjob then maybe some pizza, yeah pizza would be good, and So You Think You Can Dance is on, ho-hum this predictable life. But if blowjobs are special - which they are - if they don't happen all the time, they become something to look forward to. You'd be, like, blowjob! yippee! damn it's awesome to be alive!

In summary, Christmas should be like blowjobs. Or, we should all just give or receive blowjobs all year around. I think I've lost my train of thought.

Is the holiday season too long? Has the holiday season already started in your neck of the woods?

Posted by Chris at November 5, 2009 6:41 AM
Comments

Sorry, my brain derailed at Blowjob Season. If the stores started decorating for that in mid-October, I'd be going shopping a whole lot more than I do now.

Posted by: J at November 5, 2009 6:53 AM

one of the radio stations here for 2 years on Halloween played spooky tunes until the stroke of midnight...then it was all christmas all the time until NEW YEARS EVE!!! so this year... on halloween, i'm like...we have to remember to change the radio station... but... what??? no one likes christmas tunes 24/7 starting at MIDNIGHT NOVEMBER 1st? I was way happy with it starting thanksgiving because it got me in the mood ya know? but when it started Nov 1st, i was SICK of it by thanksgiving and there was no way i wanted to venture out to the stores and just be SURROUNDED by any kind of christmas song while sweating in my winter coat in the big box store... i must not have been the only one to state this fact...because this year? they came to their SENSES!!! they put out xmas before halloween and depending on what you were looking for you just looked on the other side of the aisle. i do, however, have a snowbird friend who wants to celebrate xmas before she leaves for the retiree state...and her dishes/towels/place settings are all mixed together...ghosts, turkeys, and santas its our hallowthanksmas party.

Posted by: theunicorn at November 5, 2009 7:07 AM

I will never look at Christmas the same way again. Forever the words "Christmas" and "blowjob" will be married. Now I plan to write a Christmas song, just for you, including that special little present.

Posted by: Theresa at November 5, 2009 7:36 AM

You get your blowjobs for free? My husband pays for his. It may not be with money, but he definitely pays for them.

Posted by: ktjrdn at November 5, 2009 7:37 AM

Rut Ro Reorge...I'm thinking talking about Christmas and BJ's and relating the two the shitstorm of hate mail coming from some *ahem* overzealous individuals.

But really Chris is your bj free? Me thinks those things come at a cost somewhere. HA!

But to be serious I went to Target yesterday to get some things, and you know get some candy for my desk at 75% off. And I was pretty much shocked to already see all the Christmas stuff, I was thinking I guess we are all skipping Thanksgiving. YIKES!

Posted by: Dee at November 5, 2009 7:48 AM

Totally the whole bj association because, those aren't real right, blow jobs are just imaginary like unicorns and the Yeti right?

Anyway, I hate how Christmas is rushed. I REFUSE to even think about Christmas until after Thanksgiving. I may do some sporatic shopping if I see somthing that would make a good gift but otherwise, no Christmas music, decorations, shopping, cards or anything until after Thanksgiving. Then the music comes out, the tree goes up and its on!
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays and I hate how its become overlooked in the mad rush to Christmas. Its such a nice holiday, no gifts to buy, no costumes, just family and food! Lots of food!

Posted by: Lisa at November 5, 2009 8:06 AM

I was shopping at Carter's for kids clothes like 3 weeks ago and they were already playing Christmas music :O It sucked! I really think there should be a law about when to start putting up decorations and advertising sales. There's someone near me who already has their lights up on their house (they showed up Sunday night). I agree with Lisa that Thanksgiving is a neglected holiday! Except for the guy I've seen the last couple of years who decorates his car for Thanksgiving including a giant turkey and pilgrims on the roof (I shit you not!).

Posted by: Elizabeth at November 5, 2009 8:42 AM

I handed out candy canes for Halloween, just to make a point.

Posted by: Roses at November 5, 2009 8:54 AM

I feel sorry for poor Thanksgiving, it's like the red headed stepchild of holidays. Our local stores had Christmas stuff out by the end of September.

Posted by: Michelle at November 5, 2009 9:04 AM

I was in Walgreens in October, mid October and they already had Christmas stuff out. Right next to the Halloween candy! It's wrong, I tell you! Wrong!
And my birthday is coming up too!

Posted by: Maribeth at November 5, 2009 9:05 AM

This is one of your more surreal entries. I wish I was still doing my radio show. If I were this year's Christmas show would be themed, "Christmas should be like blowjobs". It'd totally write itself. :)

Posted by: martin at November 5, 2009 9:25 AM

This post right here...it's why we love reading you Chris :-) Who else can compare Christmas to blowjobs so eloquently? And so true...the Christmas season has started too early, it was before Halloween around here. I love, love the Christmas Season...but give me a chance to anticipate it and appreciate it!

Posted by: Diane at November 5, 2009 9:36 AM

I had a comment...but then got all distracted..is someone giving free blowjobs for Christmas?

Posted by: William at November 5, 2009 9:38 AM

I just want the blowjob ... where do I get that ???

I too think Christmas has become over commercialized. But, in the end it's our own materialistic fault. Even in church I have to fight off the urge to say, "Ok, 3 Christmas gigs at one church in a week is too much and I really want to take 2 Sundays off a year, Easter and Christmas. Let the people who only come twice a year have my pew."

Posted by: Knot at November 5, 2009 9:43 AM

I've often felt the same way, until I was sitting here thinking about seeing Thansgiving decorations as a kid and thinking: "Ugh, not another pilgrim, bring on XMas!"

Makes sense with our "We want it all extreme and now" culture that we would go from one rocking holiday ( Halloween ) to the next rocking holiday ( Xmas ). I think to a certain extent political correctness and rethinking history helped to downgrade Thanksgiving ( "You helped us survive; have some Turkey and smallpox!" ), so the whole Indians theme gets pretty downplayed ( can't put up the cute pilgrim and Indian cutouts I remember from a kid, and lets face it, cornucopias are pretty dull ).

So in short, we've crossed over into brave new territory. Given the Zombie craze right now, I'm suprised no one caught on and gave us Zombie Santa for Halloween ( I should market that next year... )

But I also think that the tradition of Xmas blowjobs should be enacted. Well thought out!

Posted by: metawizard at November 5, 2009 9:47 AM

Um. I kind of love you for this post. Blowjobs and Christmas. Yippee!

Posted by: k8 at November 5, 2009 9:49 AM

I can't even think of anything to say, I'm laughing too hard!

Posted by: Tracy H at November 5, 2009 10:08 AM

I'm just going to say that I'm sad for your readers that they all seem to need to pay for their blowjobs. Sheesh!

Posted by: alektra at November 5, 2009 10:08 AM

So...if your lovely wife gave you a blowjob every day you'd stop thinking they were so special? Somehow I have trouble believing that but ok.

Christmas started here two weeks before Halloween and I have to tell you it was a little freaky to see the laughing vampire monsters hanging right next to the blow up Santas.

Posted by: networkchic at November 5, 2009 10:10 AM

I started seeing Christmas stuff in Target in August, which gave me The Rage.

If Christmas were like blowjobs, however, I'd have absolutely no problem with Target advertising early. The sad marketing idea of Christmas in July would also become a terminally awesome concept and would make summer all the more enjoyable.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at November 5, 2009 10:14 AM

My 4 year old wants to know why I'm laughing so hard right now. I think I'll skip explaining blow jobs for a while though. :-D

On one hand I refuse to acknowledge Christmas until after Thanksgiving. No Christmas music, no candy and no decorations should be allowed until Black Friday. However, I do have most of my Christmas shopping done already.

Posted by: Steph at November 5, 2009 10:45 AM

this has to go in the "favorites" archives. funny post, you sound very caffeinated. :)

i was a store manager at a&f for a few years and you would think retail would have ruined the holidays for me, but i still enjoy getting all christmas-y after halloween, too. in fact, i've been making lots of scratch hot chocolate for my daughter lately. and listening to some sinatra/martin holiday tunes on pandora while we drink it is not unheard of!

but now i'm having guilty feelings about slacking in the blowjob area. i had honestly forgotten they even exist in real life. i'll have to step up.

Posted by: kati at November 5, 2009 10:51 AM

Well, I'm in Canada, which means that Thanksgiving is so last month.

I am a Hater of Winter And All Things Cold, so I find that the happiness of the Christmas season helps to keep a smile on my face. I don't decorate or anything until December but I'm listening to Sarah McLachlan's Winter Song as I type this. :)

Posted by: Angella at November 5, 2009 11:14 AM

networkchic said: "Christmas started here two weeks before Halloween and I have to tell you it was a little freaky to see the laughing vampire monsters hanging right next to the blow up Santas."

I had to reread because I thought it said Blow Job Santas. HAHAHA

Great post!

Posted by: Red at November 5, 2009 11:17 AM

yes, blowjob season has started in my neck of the woods, but swallowing only happens on that one special day a year ;)

Posted by: Maria at November 5, 2009 11:35 AM

My daughter and I took a walk around our block last Sunday, and one of our neighbors had a Christmas tree up and decorated, and even had Christmas-themed yard decorations. That's dedication.

Posted by: Brooke at November 5, 2009 11:39 AM

I couldn't agree more! Let each holiday have its special time. I don't like my Halloween with a side of Christmas when i haven't even made it to Thanksgiving yet!

As for blowjob season, that falls under politics and religion in my book...some things are best not discussed in polite society. ;-)

Posted by: Krush at November 5, 2009 11:42 AM

I am cynical about a lot of things, but not about Christmas. I love it. I love everything about it. I spend too much money, and enjoy every moment of it. I am usually exhausted when it's over and relish the feeling. It's a wonderful time of the year. Yay, Christmas!

Posted by: Candy at November 5, 2009 11:43 AM

Yeah that analogy is never leaving my poor head now :P

Posted by: Heather at November 5, 2009 11:47 AM

This is truly the first time I've ever heard Christmas compared to fellatio.

I'm looking at the "Christmas fund" right now and I'm pretty sure blojobs are a lot less expensive.

Posted by: Amy at November 5, 2009 12:52 PM

I hate to tell you this, but stores have been putting out Xmas stuff in mid-October for a long time now. I worked in retail (at the good ol' mall) all through college and that was the MO back then.

And by "back then", I mean "almost ten years ago, wow I am getting old".

Hell, Christmas music started making it's way onto our store music tapes (yes, tapes) starting November 1st. These days it's probably more like September 1st.

Posted by: Erin at November 5, 2009 12:56 PM

The best part about this post?

The clear distinction between your male and female commenters!

Posted by: Lisa at November 5, 2009 1:09 PM

Yes, yes it definitely has here.
Especially since, aside from Remembrance Day, we have no holidays or stuff going on in November. So its a whole huge effing free for all.
It doesn't help that unless I have a little kid around, I really don't like holidays.
My family does NOT know how to do them chilled and relaxed. They're all stressful and passive aggressive. Very good metaphor by the way ^.^

Posted by: Cri at November 5, 2009 2:36 PM

Right after college I worked in a home decor store. I started my job on July 2nd and in my second week of work I helped to set up the Dancing Santa display table at the front door. Yep...had to listen to Jingle Bell Rock and watch Santa shake his ass for about 5 months before Christmas. This year I thought it was interesting that Target started marking down the Halloween stuff the week BEFORE Halloween. By Halloween it was packed down to one aisle that was surrounded by Christmas gear. I usually ignore the Christmas stuff until after Thanksgiving.

Posted by: Melissa at November 5, 2009 3:37 PM

myMind.addEventListener(MindEvent.GO_INSANE, earlyHolidayMarketing);

function earlyHolidayMarketing(evt:MindEvent):void {
mind.insane=true;
}

Posted by: jessica at November 5, 2009 3:55 PM

Oh yeah, I've been seeing Christmas stuff for a couple weeks already. Michael swears he's heard Christmas music on the radio already too! I enjoy the holidays usually, but Michael just found out he's losing his job so our life just went from bad to worse so Christmas is canceled :(

Posted by: Rose Winters at November 5, 2009 4:54 PM

When I went to get half-price post-halloween candy the Christmas candy was in the next aisle over. It was weird.

Posted by: jess at November 5, 2009 5:29 PM

Oh, you men and your blowjobs. Sigh.

I noticed Christmas decorations at Wal-Mart when the boy and I went to buy our pumpkin two weeks before Halloween. I was like, seriously!? Christmas is my favorite time of the year, and I like it only being a few days out of the year. I like looking forward to it and being excited about it, but I only want to do that in the months of November (mid-to-late November) and December. Don't fuck with my October!

Posted by: Stephanie at November 5, 2009 6:40 PM

Damn. That was one fine editorial. Special. Like a blow job.

It irked me to no end that Target - my beloved - had Christmas paraphernalia out two weeks before Halloween. I do not have time in my life for Christmas to begin any earlier than the day after Thanksgiving, and I don't appreciate being made to feel like I'm missing something or slacking because some marketing schmuck wants to make a few more dollars. I've found myself becoming Scrooge-ish when I enter the store with my preschooler because, darnit - Christmas is not before Thanksgiving, nor her brother's birthday, her grandparents' anniversary, or parent-teacher conferences! And I love Christmas!

I have to admit though - Target got me. I bought my niece's Christmas present there today. In the Halloween clearance.

Posted by: kate at November 5, 2009 8:06 PM

I'm with you. I go so far as to only want one, two at most, celebrations of the holidays with food and gift opening. If you have three separate Christmas celebrations with all the relatives, what's so special about the one with the parents on Christmas morning?

Of course, try telling my MIL that. That woman has put me through two separate Thankgivings, not including the actual day, just so she could eat turkey with everyone she was related too. I say, you have a celebration, and whoever comes, comes. If you can't make it because you're celebrating elsewhere, than yay for you, you're still celebrating.

Posted by: Becky at November 5, 2009 9:11 PM

Christmas rules, and so do blowjobs. I agree with networkchic (way up above somewhere), I'm sure you'd still think blowjobs were special if you got one every day.

I consulted my boyfriend on this, a receiver of many blowjobs (TMI, but nearly every day). He said if you, Chris, are saying that if you were on the receiving end of a blowjob on a daily basis and began to get bored with them, or not excited to recieve them, that he kind of wants to punch you in the face. :)

Then he started talking about all the different ways you can get a blowjob, different techniques, feelings, etc. I'm sure you can imagine how this conversation ended.

Also, yes, holiday season = too long. I used to work at Pier 1, and by the time Christmas actually rolled around, I was SICK of it. Christmas is in DECEMEBER. NOT October!

Posted by: js at November 6, 2009 8:35 AM

Yes, yes, infintessimally (is that a word?) times yeeeeesssss!!

I don't think it's a new thing though. I remember working at JcPenney back around 2001-2005 (okay... so I worked at JcPenney for five straight Christmases. I'd rather forget this, but I can't - so I share - happily) and they always had people rushing around on HALLOWEEN night to get the final touches on the Christmas decor. And surely as hell and high water would come if it didn't happen, the holly-day tunes always started up immediately thereafter. Like November 1st.

Like clockwork.

I hated Christmas during those 5 years. I hated it more than the Grinch himself. And I especially hated saying "Happy Holidays" over and over again, and that pee-friggen "Santa Baby" song that one of the musical holiday bears on display played on repeat over and over and over one year.

Looking back actually... JcPenney soured me on Christmas. Possibly forever.

I may need to sue.

But this year, when I saw the Gap Christmas commercial on November 2nd... I was done. WHY?

The rule of thumb in my house is no mention of Christmas or Christmas music or decorations until the day after Thanksgiving. Period.

I wish everybody else would just up and play along.

Posted by: Rachel at November 9, 2009 12:32 AM


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