January 20, 2010

Search String Mad Libs

Every couple of months, I pull up my site stats and check out the many bizarre (and sometimes batshit-crazy) search strings that bring people to Rude Cactus. And then I list my favorite ones and make a snarky comment after the ones I can come up with a snarky comment about. As much fun as that normally is, I decided to take a different approach this time. I wrote a story with my search strings. Think Mad Libs gone horribly wrong and, perhaps, written by a psychopath. The actual search strings are underlined. No search strings were harmed in the development of this post.

It had been a long day. I was finally out of the office, spending some much needed time in the park, sitting next to the diaper change fountain reading my copy of Places Paul McCartney Snuck Into In Oklahoma. I popped my earbuds in and listened to the new one by Ass Munch And The Tranny Poles. I'd been thinking of including a few songs on the perfect mixtape for my lover, specifically the sentimental hit I Hate Thomas Kincade and the rocker Playing With Myself And Thinking Of You. The mixtape, I thought, would go well with the anniversary gift I'd picked up earlier in the day. For Christmas, she'd gotten me a penis hat, so I felt compelled to return the favor of a romantic gift. I got her an organic vibrator. You know, free-range vibrators not pumped full of artificial hormones. Just like bananas from the bible.

And as I sat there, my mind wandered and my head filled with questions. Do blind men stand to pee? What are those things that look like Teletubbies that don't talk? How do I scratch my ass without anyone noticing? Do I miss being able to pee standing up with my new vagina? Why do people ask if I work here when I don't? How do you muffle a noisy bowel movement? Then I did what I always do when things get existential. I reverted to the ancient art of Eastern poetry and composed The Pantyline Haiku.

Oh pantylines. You
do not flatter the ass, no.
Just go commando.

The sky began to darken. I packed up my things and headed home. After a fine dinner of buffalo penis, I read my kids a few disturbing children's books - Orajel Hookers and Mr. Bullseye And The Herpes Arm. Then I slipped on my gay hotpants and my Bake This Fucker! t-shirt and settled in to continue my latest hobby, quilting in the buff. I was working on a new quilt, one that depicted pictures of midgets pooping and Ted Turner with his horses, an homage to the small and the powerful. Once finished, I got online and found some free flabby booty girls but I was disgusted to see so many asstanlines so I logged off and went to bed where I dreamed that I'd finally fucked my English teacher. The second dream, though - two mormon females go to a guy's door and get attacked by the spaghetti monster - freaked my ass out so I rolled out of bed, flipped on the TV and watched the Today Show whores.

Posted by Chris at January 20, 2010 7:00 AM

Funny that.
You should read the things my site stats say I do with my dogs!

Posted by: Maribeth at January 20, 2010 7:08 AM

lololol....perfect way to start this gloomy day..I bet you could write a book just from your search results....

Posted by: Lisa at January 20, 2010 7:54 AM

The Herpes Arm? Bananas from the bible? Organic vibrators?

Somehow your posts involving this stuff flew under my radar and it kind of disappoints me.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at January 20, 2010 9:03 AM

omg. i'm SOL'ing over here (Silent Office Laughing). this goes on the Rude Cactus Top Ten, for sure.

Posted by: bri at January 20, 2010 9:21 AM

You are one funny/crazy dude Mr. Cactus! Love the Pantyline Haiku!

Posted by: Elizabeth at January 20, 2010 10:54 AM

I think you may have just made my morning :)

Posted by: Nicole at January 20, 2010 11:31 AM

You've outdone yourself. :)

Posted by: Jess at January 20, 2010 11:50 AM

Genius. Sheer genius. I love the pantyline haiku.

Posted by: alison at January 20, 2010 12:24 PM

LOL! You should continue this treatment from now on!

Posted by: Jesse at January 20, 2010 12:49 PM

SOLing for sure! All those questions to ponder...I guess you really can find the answer to anything on the internets!

Posted by: mandy at January 20, 2010 2:48 PM

Oh wow that's a whole lot of weird! :P

Posted by: Heather at January 20, 2010 2:59 PM

It's a damn good thing I read this at home, because by the end I was laughing so hard I cried, and may have whistled through my nose. I can't even pick a favorite part, although that last paragraph is epic. Most awesome post.

Posted by: Lisa at January 20, 2010 9:52 PM

It's a damn good thing I read this at home, because by the end I was laughing so hard I cried, and may have whistled through my nose. I can't even pick a favorite part, although that last paragraph is epic. Most awesome post.

Posted by: Lisa at January 20, 2010 9:52 PM

Wish I knew how to find my search strings for my page....

Posted by: Rose Winters at January 21, 2010 1:35 AM

Freakin' Hillarious!

Posted by: Typette at January 21, 2010 12:59 PM

My site hits are so much more boring. For things like Gay Boyfriend and Coal Chute. Sigh.

But the pantyline Haiku is one of your best, my friend.

Posted by: k8 at January 21, 2010 3:16 PM

This is by far the best use of weird search strings. Please continue this next month!

Posted by: jessica fantastica at January 25, 2010 6:05 AM

Do you know how hard it is to read this in the office without laughing out loud? Dude, I am actually crying.

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