February 25, 2010


The Cactus Bathroom Curse (though is it really a curse?) strikes again.

Yesterday afternoon I was in a stall doing, well, you know...and someone came into the bathroom and entered a nearby but not adjacent stall. And apparently he had no idea I was there.

Stall Dude: Hi honey. I have a problem.
Stall Dude: No, not that. You remember, uh, this morning, right?
Stall Dude: Yeah. That.
Stall Dude: Uh-huh. I had fun too. But about that...
Stall Dude: Those ads say they shouldn't last longer than a few hours right?
Stall Dude: Uh-huh. It kinda hurts and it's really embarrassing.
Stall Dude: How do I explain that to my boss?
Stall Dude: I can't tell him that. "Hi sir, excuse me but I have to miss the financial meeting because I have a raging hard-on."

A couple lessons here:

1. Do an under-the-stall sweep before you start talking about erections, or, really, anything personal that, if overheard, might make the eavesdropper want to claw out his eardrums with a pencil and pray that he actually doesn't know the poor bastard who is broadcasting whatever it is you don't want to hear.

2. Do not, under any circumstances use the phone whilst in the bathroom. Okay, one exception. If you're in a building that is being attacked by zombies and your only hope for savior is to cower in the corner of a stall and make an emergency call to the army to bring in some zombie-fighting ninjas, so be it. Otherwise? No phone in the can.

3. Morning sex is good. As a matter of fact the only thing better than morning sex is all day sex punctuated by breaks for ice cream and beer. But morning sex can have consequences, especially when aided by modern medicine.

There. Now I think we've all learned something.

Posted by Chris at February 25, 2010 7:25 AM

All day sex punctuated by breaks for Icecream and beer...how did you know that is my all time favorite fantasy?

Posted by: William at February 25, 2010 8:17 AM

Lesson 4: do not EVER, under ANY circumstances use mens' public washrooms in DC. Chris will find you.

I'm safe (unless there's zombies, then I'm totally going in there because that's apparently where the zombie-fighting ninjas are headed), but that's for the men out there.

Posted by: harmzie at February 25, 2010 8:19 AM

Thank you for starting my day with a laugh!

Posted by: Maribeth at February 25, 2010 8:22 AM

Hilarious! I am always amazed at the conversations on phones that go on in the bathroom. I mean someone is always flushing and, if I were on the other end of that conversation, I don't need to know where you are at that moment.

Posted by: daisy at February 25, 2010 8:30 AM

lol That poor guy. But, hasn't he heard ANYTHING about these supplements?!? This shit happens ALL the time. I wouldn't chance taking that crap in the morning. Well, I don't have a penis in the first place, but you know what I mean.

I used to work with a guy who would place phone calls in the bathroom with no second thought. Unfortunately for me, my desk was right outside the bathroom (with was...horrible). He'd even place business calls to our builders and vendors in there. Nothing says professional like bathroom noises in the background. He'd even then flush while on the phone. REALLY!?

Posted by: js at February 25, 2010 8:37 AM

I think at that point, I'd have finished my business and waited for stall dude to come out and then not said anything, but let him realize I heard so he could be embarassed for holding THAT KIND OF PERSONAL CONVERSATION IN THE BATHROOM.

Posted by: Sarah at February 25, 2010 8:47 AM

I caught one of my employees having a phone conversation in the stall while also taking care of "personal business". Twice.

My ex-boss would sit on the can with his Blackberry and send e-mails and stuff. I call that "brownberry-ing". If he saw me walk in the bathroom to use a urinal (you know how you can see people through the sliver of space between the stall's door and frame?), the bathroom would become a meeting room. He would ask me about things I was working on, do follow-ups on phone calls, etc.

All the while pushing, grunting, wiping.


Posted by: LeSombre at February 25, 2010 9:22 AM

What if he weren't talking on a phone, but actually to himself or the stall door? See, now THAT would be a combination of insane and awesome, because how often does that happen? Not often, that's how.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at February 25, 2010 9:25 AM

Oh Chris,

Good Lord. YOu find them all.

Posted by: k8 at February 25, 2010 10:03 AM

Awesome! Aren't those types of conversations best saved for sitting next to your special someone in an outdoor bathtub watching the sunset?

Posted by: Allison at February 25, 2010 10:20 AM

I hope you didn't find out who it was because that would be awkward.

Posted by: Adi at February 25, 2010 10:24 AM

This almost makes me miss the randon stuff that happens in a workplace. Almost. lol. I think a well-timed flush at the end of the conversation would of been perfect. Especially since Mr. Hard-ons wife would of also heard.

Posted by: Jody at February 25, 2010 10:38 AM

don't forget the pizza. and the food for other purposes...

i live too far from my husband.

Posted by: alektra at February 25, 2010 11:05 AM


A perfect way to start the day gone terribly wrong!

Posted by: jessica at February 25, 2010 1:25 PM

I find it astonishing the stuff you see and hear in the bathroom. Gosh, I hope you don't know the guy. That would be too weird and funny.

Posted by: One Mom's Opinion at February 25, 2010 1:26 PM

We seem to attract freaks whenever we go to a movie theater, but I have to say that your bathroom adventures are far more entertaining!!!

Posted by: LaineyDid at February 25, 2010 2:00 PM

Or "why I miss working in an office." Good blog fodder.

Posted by: statia at February 25, 2010 2:19 PM

that's hilarious! why would someone test that in the morning?

Posted by: Magnolia Mom at February 25, 2010 8:33 PM

LMAO! You ARE keeping that one for the strange bathroom book you're writing, right?

Posted by: coolchick at February 25, 2010 9:23 PM

*facepalm* You sure can pick em :P

Posted by: Heather at February 25, 2010 9:27 PM

You are a magnet for these people. At least it is never dull.

Posted by: Annie at February 25, 2010 10:34 PM

HAH! no way

Posted by: Surfer Jay at February 26, 2010 1:22 AM

WOW. How stupid is the poor schmuck that he used that kind of "help" on a day when he had to go to work?!?? The weekend is only one day away... Guess he couldn't wait.

So, what I want to know is, did you walk around the office the rest of the day looking for a guy with a tent pitched in his pants? You know, just to identify the speaker? LOL *I* would have!

Posted by: ironic1 at February 26, 2010 3:54 PM

This was in the afternoon, since the morning? and it was "kinda hurting"?

Oh my. There's a fair chance the poor nincompoop has enjoyed his last morning romp.

And yeah, I'm continually amazed by people who use the mobile in the bathroom. "Well, Jim, this is a particularly important >BLARP SPLAT< point that I'm trying to make..." Gawd.

Posted by: Karl at February 26, 2010 6:57 PM

You just have the worst luck with bathrooms, don't you? Lolol!

Posted by: Scatteredmom at February 27, 2010 1:49 PM

Doing an under the stall sweep, bent over, with a "raging erection" might not be on a todo list if you see what I mean. ;)

Posted by: Alex at February 28, 2010 3:53 PM

Oh dear. That is BEYOND awkward. Eeek. I feel compelled to ask: did you just sit there and wait for said Stall Man to leave? Did you punctuate the conversation with a flush?

Posted by: Laura at March 1, 2010 3:01 PM