March 16, 2010

Lessons From Dadhood #5931-5940

I have learned many lessons being a dad but it seems like the last few weeks have been packed with learning opportunities. Here's my latest batch of lessons learned.

#5931 - When your son looks exactly like your dad, it's nice. But strange. Especially when you see your mini-dad picking his nose or peeing on the floor. Most of us don't get to see our dads do that.

#5932 - When you fart really loud in your kids room in the middle of the night, your wife can hear you. Especially when you don't turn off the baby monitors.

#5933 - You will always lose at Chutes and Ladders and Candyland. Always. Even if you cheat. Which you don't because you're not an asshat. Really.

#5934 - Kids are master manipulators. In fact, we should send four year olds to negotiate arms treaties and middle-east peace. They'd get the job done and probably end up with a showing of Cinderella, a new Barbie and a cookie to boot.

#5935 - A single M&M can buy you an unbelievable amount of time.

#5936 - Children find it hilarious when you cluck like a chicken to the tune of Smoke On The Water. We won't talk about how this was discovered.

#5937 - At Target, the average two year old is able to pick up approximately 5.5 items from every 1.4 linear feet of shelf space. These tend to be the most colorful yet inappropriate items such as mouthwash, a six pack of hot pink granny panties, dog biscuits and tampons.

#5938 - Children have no respect for testicles and the fragility thereof.

#5939 - When you watch How It's Made with your four and a half year old daughter, you damn well better know how an engine works or the temperature at which steel melts. Or every possible use for ball-bearings. You will be asked and there will be hell to pay if you don't have an answer.

#5940 - Despite the fact that you installed their buttons, kids know how to push yours more effectively.

You parents got any additions to make?

Posted by Chris at March 16, 2010 7:29 AM

ha ha ha, excellent post. my 18 month old boy looks a bit like his grandpa and watching him running around butt naked and fondling himself is disconcerting at times

Posted by: Heather @notesfromlapland at March 16, 2010 8:08 AM

"#5939 - When you watch How It's Made with your four and a half year old daughter, you damn well better know how an engine works or the temperature at which steel melts. Or every possible use for ball-bearings. You will be asked and there will be hell to pay if you don't have an answer."

Have a laptop handy to look things up on? :P

Posted by: Hannah at March 16, 2010 8:09 AM

#5935-did you ever notice that the color can add extra time as well? Like A red one is more valuable than say a yellow.

Posted by: WILLIAM at March 16, 2010 8:13 AM

#5941 £20 notes fit very nicely in the cracks between wooden floor boards, especially a whole stack of them. It costs more than the lost wedge of cash to remove floorboards to recover the money.

#5942 Never underestimate the inginuity of a 4.5 year old and a 2.5 year old when a tin of pringles and a high shelf is involved. You do not want to know how the hell they got up there.

#5943 Tins of sardines are fish, they belong in the fish tank.

#5944 A bottle of baby hair shampoo will provide enough bubbles to cover the floor of the bathroom 4 inches thick. When riding on top of a layer of water, the floor becomes something like an ice rink.

#5945 Toilet paper makes fantastic kites/flags/signalling devices when hung out of a window.

#5946 Cats will eat themselves into a stupor if their bowl is filled to overflowing.

#5947 Two small children are quite capable of eating their way through an entire family size tin of mini-chocolates before breakfast.

#5948 Fire alarms do not respond to flames coming out of a toaster and kitchens filled with smoke, but will go off if you even think about grilling a sausage.

#5949 Toast can actually burn, with flames and everything.

#5950 It is possible for an adult to run through a house and up stairs whilst clinically dead from a stopped heart, especially when a 2 year old is standing on a window-sill and the window is flapping in the wind.

#5951 Small children enjoy the taste of spiders. They are also excellent fishermen not requireing the use of a fishing rod or bait. They can empty an ornamental fish pond of it's inhabitants in under 20 mintes when they put their mind to it.

#5952 Never, ever leave a tin of blue paint in a freshly painted white kitchen.

#5953 Little blue painted stick men on your freshly installed white kitchen are actually quite charming.

Posted by: ChocolateChip_Wookie at March 16, 2010 8:24 AM

The previous commenter's points are a hoot too!

I just have a couple to add: (1) A child's willingness to eat a food is inversely proportional to its nutrition content. (2) It is not possible to flush an entire roll of toilet paper at one go.

Posted by: Elizabeth at March 16, 2010 8:36 AM

5936: I demand the muppets (preferably Gonzo and the chickens) do this!

Posted by: martin at March 16, 2010 8:49 AM

If you notice your plants look healthier than ever, check to see if you child is emptying their plate into the pot! Swear to God, my palm tree loved peas!

Posted by: Maribeth at March 16, 2010 9:05 AM

#5954 Laptop motherboards do not like static electric discharges caused by plugging the fan-mat into the headphone jack while booted.

#5944 Credit cards do not react well to toasters.

#5945 Brand new blue-ray players on your husband's game console do not react well to whatever the hell is still stuck in there.

#5946 Venus Fly Traps apparently dont eat Salami.

#5947 Never tell the children not to mention the cat you shouldnt have to the rental inspection team.

#5948 Never tell children that you have bought a present for them to take to their friends' birthday party, or where you put it.

#5949 Always tell children that the fairies are checking if they are asleep on Christmas Eve. It's amazing how fast a child can fall asleep given that threat, especially if the doorbell happens to ring just 30 seconds after you tell them this.

#5950 It's astonishing how much mess 6978 yards of wool makes when it is unwound and thoroughly tangled up.

#5951 4 pints of milk makes a mini tidal wave in a small kitchen

#5952 Always follow a trail of yogurt carton lids, you may well find a whole hand of bananas under the sofa.

#5953 6 bottles of nail polish make a pretty swirling pattern on cream carpet.

#5964 Childrens handprints made with baby nappy cream does not come out of unvarnished wood. Your only course of action is to use a sander.

#5965 Little hands clutching crayons can actually fit through, behind or under a radiator. When removing radiators, take a second to appreciate the intricate murals you may find there.

Posted by: ChocolateChip_Wookie at March 16, 2010 9:20 AM

On #5939. It's best to watch shows like that with google onhand.

Posted by: k8 at March 16, 2010 10:00 AM

How It's Made is a dangerous show. I was visiting a friend a couple years ago and had a day to kill, so I sat down that morning with some coffee and started watching episodes he'd DVR'd over the last month and I think six hours later he called to see what was up and I yelled, 'CAN'T STOP WATCHING HOW IT'S MADE! DOOMED! HELP!'

That shit's addicting, yo.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at March 16, 2010 10:55 AM

There is no better place to throw up than all over yourself AND a parent. The best parent is the one that can't handle puke.

There is no better time to throw up than while traveling without spare clothing.

Posted by: K at March 16, 2010 10:55 AM

I haven't been a parent long enough to contribute to this list, but I just tried #5936 and my twins were only mildly amused. I'm going to try again with "Highway Star."

Posted by: Beta Dad at March 16, 2010 12:15 PM

#5941 Children love lists. They love chores lists, they love to help you write the grocery list, as they get older they like when you write out the pros and cons list.

There is nothing better than structure in a childs life.

Posted by: soccermom at March 16, 2010 1:18 PM

When buying a Lego set to keep the kids entertained during their Spring Break remember that if your 10 year old child is smarter than you are, they are probably also smarter than the 16+ age level listed on the box. The Lego project will not take nearly the "several weeks" the guy at the store implied.

Posted by: Amanda at March 16, 2010 2:07 PM

They will always unearth a drum that hasn't been played with in months when you have a horrid headache.

Posted by: samantha Jo Campen at March 19, 2010 9:31 PM