May 26, 2010

Two Conversations (Or, Vaginas Win)


Me:Yay for penises.
Me and Owen: Yay!
Beth: Yay for vaginas!
Beth and Mia: Yay!
Mia: Vaginas win!
Me and Beth: Vaginas always win.

It's true. They do.


Me: Hey. Question. Why did you let a lobotomized one-armed monkey on crack cut Owen's hair?
Beth: ...
Me: What's wrong?
Beth: ...
Me: Oh shit. Did you cut Owen's hair yourself?
Beth: Um, yes.
Me: Oh shit. Again. I'm sorry.
Beth: Why, do you think I did a bad job?
Me: Well...
Beth: Well?
Me: Maybe that's the style these days?
Beth: I'm totally fucking with you. Of course I didn't do it?
Me: Okay, then the question stands. Why did you let a lobotomized one-armed monkey on crack cut Owen's hair?
Beth: It's not that bad, is it?
Me: I would have punched that monkey in the face when it was done.

I'm a little sensitive about bad haircuts. The last really bad haircut I had was terrifyingly horrible. It left a bald spot. And, of course, it just so happened to have been done the day before I wrenched my neck and was unable to straighten my head. Which just so happened to have been two days before I started school in a brand new high school, having just moved from Texas, where I knew absolutely no one. That moment in time - amid stares and muted conversations all wondering who the new special kid was - was, perhaps, the most socially horrifying ever.

You've had some bad social moments, right? Care to share?

Posted by Chris at May 26, 2010 7:03 AM

My favorite one was when I was in high school. I was walking down the hall with my friend when the elastic on my underwear snapped. Down went the underwear to the floor. Everyone around kind of froze for a minute, which seemed like an HOUR to me. Then I just stepped out of them and picked them up and put them in my purse and kept on walking. It was insanely mortifying, all the more so since now everyone knew I was going commando for the rest of the day. I'm a blusher and I spent the rest of my day looking like I had a sunburn from the constant comments.
Oooh! I just thought of another one like yours! I started my high school after moving from a different district so I didn't know anyone. On my first day after 1st period I left to go to my next class which was downstairs. At the top of the stairs I felt woozy, passed out and ended up on the landing in a sore heap. It was a great first impression. I was "that girl who fell down the stairs" for at least 6 months until people learned my actual name.
Ah high school. I wouldn't go back there if you paid me.

Posted by: tulip at May 26, 2010 8:22 AM

When my sister was in cosmetology school, like a good big sister, I was her guinea pig for one of her exams at school - and went in for a hair cut. She ROCKED it - I LOVED my hair when it was done... So, I had no qualms about letting her do it again.

She gave me the world's worst haircut, two days before my 30th birthday... the day before the surprise party my husband had planned - which involved me seeing tons of people I knew... with my truly heinous hair.


Posted by: sarah at May 26, 2010 8:34 AM

I'm not admitting anything, but I'm glad that you are aware that "vaginas always win". If mama's not happy................

Posted by: Christy at May 26, 2010 8:39 AM

Once when I was around 8 or 9, I wanted to know how it felt to have a shaved head, like I kept seeing on TV. I had my long dark hair so I knew I only wanted to test a small patch. But being me, I wanted to see what it looked like too. SO I picked a patch that I could see easily, and that was the patch in the middle front fringe area. =(

I walked around for a long while with that stupid bald patch. And I attended a snooty all girls private school where I was made fun of a lot. And I have a twin, who isn't shy with the jokes.

Posted by: Aurelia at May 26, 2010 9:24 AM

Vaginas always win. I'm going to pull that one out one of these days.

Posted by: k8 at May 26, 2010 9:44 AM

Sweetie, I danced in front of thousands of people and international press in Zombie Slave Leia costume. Bad social moments don't apply to me.

Posted by: oakley at May 26, 2010 10:51 AM

Hehehe @ vaginas always win. Ummm one of my biggest embarrassing moments in high school involved going to buy a sucker at the canteen the gr 12s staffed and having the one guy on duty ask if I wanted the OTHER guy to serve me - the guy everyone and their dog knew I had a horrible crush on. He asked it very loudly, and everyone stared, and I really just wanted a dang sucker and it was awful both for me, and I'm sure for the other guy too :P

Posted by: Heather at May 26, 2010 10:51 AM

High School was just one long emabarrassment. I had a purple jacket and this one kid (who I will NEVER forget his name) called me grimace, tried to get me to break dance where he could do back up beeps like on a big truck. It just goes on and on.

Of course, there were some of my own doing. Like in middle school, I wore my sisters high heel, up to the knee black suede boots, when they weren't popular.

Posted by: debb at May 26, 2010 11:05 AM

Honestly, I can't think of anything quite as cringe-worthy as your story. Maybe I'm just blocking them out. I did have a hairstyle for a prom that was ill-advised. It may or may not have looked a BIT like a mullet.

The sooner my husband figures out that vaginas always win, the happier we'll be.

Posted by: Brooke at May 26, 2010 11:55 AM

I cut my own bangs in grade eight the day before picture day. Oh yes I did. Hand to god, they were less than an inch long. I walked around school for a month with my hand over my forehead, told everyone that my Mom cut them and even when I had retakes (for picture day) done they hadn't grown very much. My parents still bring out that picture for the kids to see every Christmas and they laugh and laugh.

Posted by: Procrastamom at May 26, 2010 12:38 PM

Once in highschool I was walking down the hall, and of course I have this compulsion to look in all the classrooms, so my head was turned, with all the students in the classroom looking back at me when I walked into a post.

Good times. Thanks for calling that one back up.

Posted by: harmzie at May 26, 2010 1:42 PM

I always had long hair that hung in my face when I was a kid, and my mom hated it. I would fight tooth and nail against getting it cut, but somehow my mom convinced me that it would be a good idea for her to give me a perm, like she had with my sisters. "Just to give it a little body," she said, "so it doesn't hang there all limp and lifeless and cover your handsome face."

When the rollers came out, I looked like Shirley Fucking Temple. Now I think it was all a ploy to ruin my hair so I would want to cut it off; but at the time, I would not back down. I had to blow dry and brush it out for like twenty minutes to make it settle down; and god forbid a drop of water should get on it during the day because *poof*, I would turn into Richard Simmons.

I guess that was about the time I started wearing a suede cowboy hat to school. Because that's not conspicuous at all.

Posted by: beta dad at May 26, 2010 2:02 PM

Oh, I've had plenty, but this was the first to pop into my head. My boyfriend and I were attending a New Year's Eve party with a large group of people, most of them strangers. I tried for weeks to get a good answer about how formal the event was. Due to some terrible communication skills (not mine) I was informed that the dress that I wanted to wear would be fine. It was shiny, beaded, spaghetti-strapped and totally sweet. Unfortunately, I was the only sparkler in the group. A dressy sweater set was about as formal as any other female had dressed and there were even men in jeans. It is tough to have casual conversations with that much skin and satin on display.

Posted by: Melissa at May 26, 2010 2:29 PM

My mother cut my curls off at the age of 4 with sewing shears. She cut it so short I looked like a boy! Everyone flipped out and my grandmother insisted that I be allowed to grow it back. It grew in straight and rather unappealing until I hit menopause 44 YEARS LATER!!!!
My mother is not really my favorite person then or now!

Posted by: Maribeth at May 26, 2010 6:51 PM

Tons of bad social moments! :-)
I did burst into tears over a little Dutch-Boy haircut once. The hairdresser kept clipping one side and then the other and being most unsuccessful at evening the sides up so she just kept going.

Posted by: Karen at May 26, 2010 11:56 PM

I had a bad haircut in 4th grade - it FINALLY grew out by my senior year!! Damn curls....

Posted by: Rose @Dozenroses13 at May 27, 2010 3:34 AM

I've got a great one. Luckily for me I didn't realize how bad it was until much, much later.

In 6th grade, we had to do a video book report. I did one on horses, and part of the book featured a horse giving birth in very details photos that just about made everyone in class sick. But that's not the good part.

The good part is that in the video, I had a stiff neck so my head was sideways, and I was filthy. Like you could see dirty smudges all over my face and hands and arms. Apparently I went to school like this all the time... I hated bathing as a kid and did my best to get out of it. It showed.

Posted by: Debra at May 27, 2010 5:47 AM

The worst haircut I remember is...the one I gave my brother when I was 7 and he was 6. I was so very proud of the effort, my mom, not so much. Lil' bro ended up with a buzz cut by the end of the day.

Posted by: Foggy Dew at May 27, 2010 9:20 AM

I fell UP the stairs in high school. Of course it was in between classes when there were lots of people in the stair well. I fell UP the stairs because I was too busy looking at the ass of my current crush, who was ascending the stairs in front of me. It was completely humiliating.

Posted by: Carmen at May 28, 2010 2:23 AM