May 7, 2010

The Weeklies #131

The Weekly Challenge. Remember that golf game I mentioned a couple weeks ago? That's going down today. Wish me luck.

The Weekly Time Waster. What happens when baby seals get sick of being clubbed and start to fight back? Well, check out Clubby The Seal.

The Weekly Read. I plowed through Linwood Barclay's Never Look Away and I'm growing convinced that Barclay and Harlan Coben are actually the same person. Okay, not really. Coben's a little better. But their stories are insanely similar, tend to revolve around a family, a member of that family disappearing or somehow not being who everyone else thought they were. While I read them all, I really can't tell any of Coben's stand-along thrillers apart and Barclay's input is almost indistinguishable. That said, the stunning lack of originality doesn't translate into a bad book. It's a fast-paced thriller. There were plenty of twists and turns though I saw most of them coming a mile away. It was well-written and entertaining.

The Weekly Music. I've given The Hold Steady's Heaven Is Whenever a couple of spins since buying it Tuesday night. The Hold Steady may be one of the best bands of the century so far. Heaven Is Whenever doesn't do anything to change that. Is it their best? No. But it's good. Craig Finn's lyrics are brilliant as always and there's a raucous bar-band feel to the music. It's guitar-driven and wonderfully bombastic. When I first got into The Hold Steady, the first hurdle I encountered were Craig Finn's vocals. They were more loudly spoken word than singing. Over time he's worked on his voice and he sings more often than not. And as much as that spoken word stuff threw me off, I miss it now. There's an exuberance that's missing now. That said, Heaven Is Whenever is a kick-ass, not-to-be-missed album.

The Weekly Ridiculous Product. Fart in bed? There's a blanket for that.

The Weekly Schadenfreude. There once was a British gentleman who wasn't very bright but owned a boat. He, therefore, decided he would sail along England's coast. During his voyage, he ran out of fuel and had to be rescued. And it turned out that during the entirety of his journey, he'd been circling the same small island in the Themes River. Poor, dumb bastard.

The Weekly Question. What strategy should I use to make it through my golf game. This question is for all of you even if you know nothing about golf. I don't tee off until 1:30 and I'm going to have my phone with me. I expect some brilliant strategies whereby I won't look like an ass.

Posted by Chris at May 7, 2010 7:21 AM

Sile. Relax and have a good time. I know if I say, it is just a game, I will get crucified, but heck it is. Just enjoy.

Posted by: Maribeth at May 7, 2010 7:58 AM

You don't tee off til 1:30? Then you have plenty of time! Buy a 12 pack of beer, drink 6 of them before tee time. Hide the other 6 in your golf bag and space them out as you go.
Will it help you golf? Nah, but you will enjoy the boring ass game alot more.

P.S. - if you do this, hang on tight in the cart! Trust me..

Posted by: Ross at May 7, 2010 8:21 AM

Fake an injury. Seriously. Then, you're a hero if you get a great shot and no one will kill you if you don't.

Posted by: Robyn at May 7, 2010 8:36 AM

I'm not the first with the fake an injury strategy, but I think an injury to your lats is not unreasonable with the kind of swinging golf entails. An injury is probably more respectable than getting all out wasted... especially if this is a work thing.

Can you "get a call" to go donate some plasma as an emergency and bail on the whole freaking thing? (emergency plasma donations, probably not a thing.)

Posted by: Sarah at May 7, 2010 9:16 AM

Too funny, I was just thinking yesterday while reading here 'whatever happened to his golf game'. My strategy for you....I got nothing. Isn't there an app for that? Can't wait for you to report back about it.

Also, that blanket is crazy. Did you see that White Castle has a candle you can buy (for the low price of $10) that smells like onion and hamburger? I don't even know where to begin with that.

Posted by: js at May 7, 2010 9:41 AM

One strategy is that when no one is around and no one is looking, who will ever know if you give the ball a little kick to get past a tree or if you whiff on a shot and neglect to include it in your score?

Not that I ever do that. No, not me.

Posted by: Mike at May 7, 2010 9:58 AM

don't pee on a tree until a superior does it.

Posted by: Sabrina at May 7, 2010 10:13 AM

just keep smiling and drinking. there's a decent chance they suck, too :)

Posted by: kati at May 7, 2010 10:47 AM

Tell them you're a golf virgin. Seriously. The male egos will kick in and they will fall over themselves giving you tips on how to golf - and they'll give you lots of slack too :)

Posted by: laineyDid at May 7, 2010 10:51 AM

Do a "best ball" scramble. That means you pick up your ball and go to where the best hit is lying, set your ball down and try from there. Whoever hits it the best from that spot is the next best ball, etc. Makes the game go faster, since you would otherwise be swinging twice as much as everyone else.

Posted by: Brad at May 7, 2010 10:51 AM

My advice: go zen with it. Golf is a game of physics; the perfect pendulum movement with an intersection at the nadir of the swing with the ball. The more you think about it, the harder it gets. So empty your cup ( mind ) and let the physics take over. This is why there is the chase for the "perfect golf stance"; because the position of your feet, back, and shoulders defines the outline of that pendulum swing.

But one thing to look forward to: Beer never seems as sweet a reward than after a golf game. No one knows why, but it is true and you are about to discover it. ;)

Posted by: metawizard at May 7, 2010 10:59 AM

Don't talk shop unless they do. Don't talk families unless they do.

In this case, be a follower, not a leader. So if Mr. Big Shot makes a deregotory joke that offends, just smile and nod and tell us about it but do not tell him! Seriously, hold in your anger and self rightousness until you get off the green and away from the work peeps.

Have fun!!!

Posted by: debb at May 7, 2010 11:14 AM

I would say drink before you go. A lot. Except that, if you actually do drink, your chances of making an ass out of yourself sky rocket...Sorry, I've really got nothing. I'd just enjoy it. You might surprise yourself and have fun.

Posted by: Holly at May 7, 2010 11:15 AM

Smile, breathe in, breathe out, hit the ball and hope for the best. I totally agree with the others who suggested you admit you are new to the game. If nothing else, you'll get points for honesty.

Remember it is just a game and you are really there to talk bring a brilliant converstation-game and noone will notice your golf game. ;-)

Posted by: Krush at May 7, 2010 11:16 AM

I don't know Jack about golf, so I can't help you there.

I'm in the middle of Coben's "Caught", having read the review in Time or something. It's OK, I can kind of see where it's going (I think) even if the exact details are unclear. I'm not crazy about his writing, though. He uses pedestrian phrases and overuses words that should be used maybe once in the whole book. He does have some brilliant and witty turns of phrase, though. I probably won't pick up more of his stuff and I'm glad I got it on Kindle so it won't take up space in my house.

Posted by: Brooke at May 7, 2010 11:36 AM

I don't know golf, but I agree with just go with the flow. And no need to fake an injury- you're not a golfer, they'll know you're not a golfer, just keep up good spirits and it should be okay.

Posted by: caleal at May 7, 2010 1:59 PM

Ply the other players with copious amounts of alcohol - if nobody remembers what really happened, you can convince them you shot 12-under.

Posted by: Megan at May 7, 2010 2:34 PM

OK, no golf advice, but...

Why does a guy in a SAIL boat need to be rescued due to lack of fuel?!!

Posted by: Jodi Lea at May 7, 2010 3:29 PM

Check out Dackel Princess. I have an entry up about Einstein, the World's Smallest Horse!

Posted by: Maribeth at May 9, 2010 8:08 AM

Farting blanket: if it's a problem, why not just make underwear out of that stuff? (wish I could claim that idea, but husband's) Or a butt-plug (sigh... that one's mine)

Posted by: harmzie at May 10, 2010 10:38 PM