June 1, 2010

The Constant Gardner

Memorial Day is the official non-technical start of summer. People everywhere did just what we did - broke out the bathing suits, slathered themselves in sunscreen and hit the beach or their local swimming pools. I hope you don't think me too forward but I'm speaking from very recent and personal experience here when I offer up this advice. TEND TO YOUR PUBES!!

On Sunday I was sitting at the pool surrounded by my kids - and the kids of others - when my gaze fell upon one particular individual and I was, in return, greeted by one of the most horrific sights my eyes have ever seen. Pubes. Everwhere. Pubes on parade. It wasn't like I wsnt looking for them. I didn't blow my hypersonic pube whistle to lure them out. They were just there. Or, rather, everywhere.

Not only was this particular garden untended. It was, instead, an out of control rainforest the fence around which was not up to the challenge leaving much of said forest - not to mention things under the canopy - completely and terrifyingly visible.

My eyes!

Look, I'm all for personal freedom in the way you present yourself. Wear white after Labor Day. Throw on a funny hat. Dye your hair purple and sport a nose-ring. But I draw the line of freedom of self-expression at the pubes.

Is that too much to ask for? Am I totally off base? Are you a conscientious gardener?

Posted by Chris at June 1, 2010 6:30 AM

All I can say is EWWWWWWWWWWW!
No, rain-forests should only be found in the tropics!

Posted by: Maribeth at June 1, 2010 7:20 AM

That's ... not cool, man. I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm even sorrier I had to think about it before breakfast.

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 1, 2010 8:37 AM

Yuck! Nobody should smuggle Chewbaca in their swimsuit! My garden is very well kept, so no worries about scarring people here! Hehe

Posted by: Kris at June 1, 2010 8:51 AM

First, I'd recommend checking out Lenny Bruce's monologue questioning why women have to shave their arms and men don't. Note also that in Europe a lot of women still don't shave their pits, never mind crotch, unless they're going to be wearing a strapless evening gown in the near future.

Second, please remember that this is a cultural norm, not a (as Bruce would put it) "hygienic" one, and a recent one at that. I'm only about five years older than you, and I can remember when pubes weren't yucky. They weren't exactly promoted, either, but they weren't *very* yucky. Maybe a little trimming on the sides if the owner of said hair was self-conscious about it, and that was it.

Speaking of hygiene, it's a lot safer health-wise to leave them alone than to get rid of them. I know someone who had to be hospitalised after over-zealous removal caused an infection. Don't have a lot of details -- it was her mum telling me about it -- but it did happen, and her doctor said it wasn't a freak occurrence.

Of course, this is one of those things that affects women more than men. Men can wear trunk-style bathing suits and forget about it. Women have to agonise over how the suit looks versus how much waxing they're willing to do.

Personally, I'm not crazy about seeing them escaping from swimsuits. But then again, I get it if people are tired of making their crotches look like they belong to 10 year-olds.

Posted by: Kat at June 1, 2010 9:40 AM

Um...ok, not exactly what I was expecting! As a woman with 4 daughters with said pubes, we 'landscape' regularly. I cannot believe I just told the internet that.

Posted by: Theresa at June 1, 2010 9:57 AM

Oh Dear Sweet Baby Jesus. Trim the bush, ladies.

I'm not against Earthy Crunchy types who don't shave, but those women should never wear swim suits with a bikini cut. 'ts all I'm sayin'.

Posted by: Brad at June 1, 2010 10:19 AM

That's horrifying. I'm so glad that I wasn't where you were. I maintain the landscape regularly, but I never set the mower too low, if you catch my drift. I'm kind of a stickler for landscaping. Out-of-control foliage is not appreciated.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at June 1, 2010 10:58 AM

If you don't trim the shrub (legit choice) keep it fenced. Which I do.

Posted by: joss is boss at June 1, 2010 11:07 AM

Not a fan of the pubes either. Please shave/wax/get rid of them please.

Posted by: Knot at June 1, 2010 11:25 AM

I have to agree with Kat on this one. That hair is perfectly natural and serves a purpose.

Posted by: AP at June 1, 2010 11:26 AM

I personally, am a *Brazilian* gardener. And Kat, a grown woman doesn't look like a "10-year-old" down there, whether she has hair or not. That's a bullshit argument.

I'm assuming this person you saw was a woman? Not a man in a speedo, ala Ramone the exotic dancer in "The Proposal"?

Posted by: kalisa at June 1, 2010 11:26 AM

I totally agree with maintenance, I also know that there can be health risks involved. Not only from shaving/waxing, but the hair also serves to filter out bacteria.

A lot of women who try to go full on brazilian find themselves with a constant supply of antibiotics.

Personally, I opt for the landing strip setup.

Why did I tell you that?? *facepalm*

Posted by: Holly Reynolds at June 1, 2010 11:43 AM

Hair is perfectly natural and serves a purpose on your legs and under your arms, too. Do you leave it there as well?

I've had a Brazilian for years and have never had an infection. Perhaps they're not using reputable spas for the removal?

Posted by: kalisa at June 1, 2010 12:35 PM

Well, I don't have what you might call a "green thumb" in terms of that particular foliage. I don't do waxing at all. I keep it short, but a bikini cut would still not provide coverage, so I wear boy-short bottoms with my swimsuits and no one is the wiser.

Posted by: Brooke at June 1, 2010 12:36 PM

As a swimmer, I stay pretty well groomed. It's a courtesy, and I don't mind doing it.

Posted by: heels at June 1, 2010 12:53 PM

I wear swim shorts with tankini top - have for the past several years...much more comfortable for me as a not-as-fit-as-I'd-like Mom.

That's not to say I don't groom...I'm not saying one way or the other. ;-)

Posted by: cyndy at June 1, 2010 12:58 PM

Who knew that pubes could become a heated subject.

Posted by: DC Urban Dad at June 1, 2010 1:36 PM

most definitely. no question.

Posted by: kati at June 1, 2010 3:10 PM

This is one of those discretion is the better part of valor situations, so I'm just going to STFU.

Posted by: COD at June 1, 2010 4:04 PM

I'm actually with Kat on this one. Perhaps because I was a lifeguard at a water park with a large European clientele for years - seeing pubes (on both men and women) is neither all that unusual or anything that freaks me out. I prefer not to, but if I do? Eh. Whatever.

While I like everything neat and trimmed, I will never understand all together deforestation. I have a harder time with that (I'd kick my boyfriend out of bed) than with people who leave their garden completely untended.

Posted by: Mindy at June 1, 2010 5:04 PM

First of all, guh-ROSSS!

Second of all, if I'm going to be treated to a glimpse of your hedges, I at least want to feel that I earned the right to see them in their natural beauty, if not downright invited, rather than be given an unsolicited glimpse.

Posted by: diamond dave at June 1, 2010 8:59 PM

Just plain...."ewww"!....and I come from Eastern Europe, where that "used to be"...."the norm".

Posted by: Lujza at June 2, 2010 12:22 AM

I find it amusing how controversial of a topic this can be. I imagine my opinion would be to either keep it under control or cover it, but it shouldn't be considered utterly disgusting. However, poorly tended hair, whether on one's head or body - such as scruffy shaggy facial hair (I'm looking at you right now, Mr. Pitt)- is never attractive to me. For myself, I'm a "neat and tidy" type person until there's someone else to care otherwise :P

Posted by: Heather at June 2, 2010 6:07 AM

PS, "hypersonic pube whistle"?? *snort*
(and you sure are getting lots of info on your readers today!!)

Posted by: Heather at June 2, 2010 6:08 AM

What COD said.

Posted by: Deeleea at June 2, 2010 8:21 AM

I love that your readers are willing to share!

Yes, either keep the garden neat and trimmed or keep it covered. Definitely the start of summer now that you've been treated to that sight ;-)

Posted by: Diane at June 2, 2010 8:59 AM