July 30, 2010

The Weeklies #143

The Weekly Condition. Busyness. Extreme busyness.

The Weekly iPad App. Flipboard.

The Weekly Read. I really, really wanted to like David Wong's John Dies At The End. Sincerely, I did. The author's sense of humor early on - and throughout - grabbed me and made me laugh. The back of the book and reviews I read told me that it was a horror novel that would make me laugh but also be genuinely scary. Clearly I was reading a different book. It wasn't scary in the least. Instead it was, well, a mess. Characters die then suddenly reappear, people jump in and out of time, ancient evil creatures come to life and talk about nothing but sex. It's like the author said here are my 500 ideas that I don't have time to sort out so you try. By the last 50 pages or so, I found myself skimming, reading nothing that had any impact on the story. I'd recommend that you skip it entirely.

The Weekly Time Waster. FlyGuy. I'll warn you now, it's pointless but it's also very charming.

The Weekly Schadenfreude. In perhaps the best example of unintended humor I stumbled across a hilarious and somewhat sad article written by one Stephenson Billings for something called Christwire. It's all about how the TV show Glee is evil and popularizing homosexuality and may or may not be lip-synced (seriously, the man seems to be surprised that the whole show isn't recorded live). Here's a little snippet:

Recently, I wrote about studies that revealed the dangerous influence that the 1980s tv show “The Golden Girls” had on American men now in their 30s, 40s and 50s (see “The Golden Girls: How One TV Show Turned A Generation Of American Boys Into Homosexuals”). The link between watching the Girls and increased risks of homosexual behavior was made abundantly meaningful. In a nutshell, the Golden Girls turned a generation away from procreation. It made our American boys into the most raunchy, campy, carnal people on the planet. If, as a society, we could have returned to the 80s with what we know now and stop that show, American culture might be drastically different today.

Yes, that's the problem with the world - The Golden Girls. Perhaps now that most of them are dead, the world will return to normal.

The Weekly Other Time Waster. iNudge

The Weekly Song Stuck In My Head. I'm a Hex Girl by The Hex Girls. Yes, its a song from a Scooby Doo movie. My children are obsessed with the You Tube clip (don't watch it - nothing good could come of it). And I've had the damn song going through my damn head all damn week.

The Weekly Question. What's the first thing you'd do if someone handed you a million dollars?

Posted by Chris at July 30, 2010 6:58 AM

Put it into a money market. Life is tough these days and I need the cash to live!
PS: The golden Girl thing. I mean, really? I'm sitting here in utter disbelief that someone could write such crap without the computer blowing up, or typewriter bursting into flames! That guy needs to get a life.

Posted by: Maribeth at July 30, 2010 7:48 AM

If I had a million? I'd make my husband take a couple of weeks off and take him and the kids on vacation. Not a "hey we're visiting family that lives out of state" vacation, but a "we don't know anyone here and that's fine!" vacation. We've been married 11 years and have only had one or two of those...and one was our honeymoon.

After that, I'd pay my bills. And then buy a slurpee with the $2 I had left.

Posted by: Kim at July 30, 2010 8:37 AM

I would pay off my mortgages and credit cards.

Posted by: NancyJ at July 30, 2010 8:40 AM

If someone handed me a million dollars right now I would buy my parents the house they want two houses down from mine and fix it up to the nines. I would also completely fix mine up to the nines too. (Older homes require work!)

I would pay off my bills and buy a new car for the hubster and my folks.

I would start school funds for the kids.

I would put the rest in money market accounts and give about $10k to my dad and brother to invest for me. They are scary brilliant with that stuff.

Oh, I might offer to loan my brother the money for the 2yr certification program he wants to do. He would never take the money outright, but he's struggling to find a way to go back to school.

Ahhhh, I love dreaming about these things.

Posted by: varinia at July 30, 2010 8:55 AM

Ask them "why".

Posted by: Poppy at July 30, 2010 9:16 AM

I'd buy my lifelong friend the fully wheelchair accessible van she needs. Then I'd buy a tv station that continually loops the Golden Girls. And the Teletubbies, especially episodes featuring that demoniacally queer purple fellow.

Posted by: Kate M at July 30, 2010 9:22 AM

(if only!) I would pay off everything I owe. Buy a home near all my kids, and a vacation home on the beach in Florida. . .set up trust funds for my grandchildren and future grandchildren, and one last splurge: take my family on a 7 day cruise either to Bermuda or the Bahamas. Anything left will be invested.

Posted by: 3jaysmom at July 30, 2010 9:46 AM

So now I have an earworm of the Barenaked Ladies song "If I had a million dollars" Thanks for that, lol! As for the cash, I'd give it to gentlebarn.com Those people rock!!!
As for the Schadenfreude - Sadly, they walk among us. I speak of the author, not the article content!

Posted by: laineyDid at July 30, 2010 10:03 AM

Selfish, I know, but I would totally buy a house at the beach with that million dollars. Screw the kid's college education!

Have a great weekend!

Posted by: cyndy at July 30, 2010 11:07 AM

I can't believe that anyone would say that "The Golden Girls" is the reason society is so messed up.

First thing I would do with a million dollars is pay off all of my bills, my parents and in-laws bills, my brother and brother-in-law's bills...then I would make 2 donations. One to the American Heart Association and one to the Animal Rescue League of Pittsburgh...where we rescued Soxy.

Then I would take a long vacation and invest the rest. A million dollars doesn't go that far these days.

Posted by: Krush at July 30, 2010 11:26 AM

I can't believe that anyone would say that "The Golden Girls" is the reason society is so messed up.

First thing I would do with a million dollars is pay off all of my bills, my parents and in-laws bills, my brother and brother-in-law's bills...then I would make 2 donations. One to the American Heart Association and one to the Animal Rescue League of Pittsburgh...where we rescued Soxy.

Then I would take a long vacation and invest the rest. A million dollars doesn't go that far these days.

Posted by: Krush at July 30, 2010 11:26 AM

I am finding myself giggling far too much at the phrase "raunchy, campy, carnal". It's just such an amusing combination of words, to me.
The first thing I'd do with $1M is definitely pay off credit cards, and then student loans, and THEN I could contemplate maybe doing something fun-ish haha. (I know I'd have to invest to have a chance at making it last, but I'd eke a vacation out of it too haha. $1M at age 26 though - won't last a lifetime without wise management!)

Posted by: Heather at July 30, 2010 11:26 AM

I would not tell anyone.I would hate to have to turn away people asking for help or listen to everyone"s "friendly advice". I would of course invest part, pay bills, get two new houses, one where I live, one by my moms, a new car, and send my kids back to private school. Of course, I would also help out family but money doesn't go as far as it once did.

Posted by: debb at July 30, 2010 11:37 AM

Pay off the mortgage and invest the rest for the kids' college, quit my damn job and get one I actually like.

Posted by: Brooke at July 30, 2010 11:41 AM

The first thing I would do if someone handed me a million dollars would be say something like "Wow...thank you!" and possibly give them a hug.

Posted by: Amy at July 30, 2010 11:46 AM

Wait - you mean after I finish making out with him, right? Or her. Whatever.

I'd pay off everything, quit my job and move to Park City, Utah, where I would buy a little farm. And turn it into a bed and breakfast but not really a bed and breakfast - a "come stay and work at my farm and pay me $200 a night to do it but I'll feed you good, yummy, organic food and force you to disconnect from technology and you'll love it and think it's the greatest thing ever." (People are really paying to do just that.) And I'd run around barefoot all summer long and in the cutest snow boots all winter long, smiling wide. And have way more sex.

Posted by: Mindy at July 30, 2010 12:10 PM

Wow, I love that question; sometimes, when I get bored or blue, I spend some time imagining what I would do with one million euros. So I know exactly what I would do first: ring my job and tell them I quit. Then I would buy my dream house (I know which one), give money to my son and to some friends, and live happy (but not rich) for the rest of my life.

Posted by: viviane at July 30, 2010 12:24 PM

First, I'd pay off my bills and cars. Then I'd invest some.

The rest would be used to purchase two vacation homes either at Hood Canal or the San Juan Islands - one for my hubby and I and one for the adult kids to use when they want to come visit so they don't have to stay with me (read that as "so I don't have to play housemaid to a bunch of adults")

Anything else would go for travel.

Posted by: zanie at July 30, 2010 12:34 PM

I'm not familiar with Stephenson Billings, but after skimming that article, I can only assume he's gay and looking for someone to blame it on.

Posted by: Amy at July 30, 2010 12:54 PM

Ok, after reading other articles on ChristWire, (http://christwire.org/2009/02/i-am-extremely-terrified-of-chinese-people/) I have to believe that this site is a farce.

Posted by: Amy at July 30, 2010 12:58 PM

Oh, woe, if only we'd known the evil those Golden Girls would perpetrate! We'd take the DeLorean back in time and "terminate" Betty White!

Seriously, that is the most hilarious thing I've read in a long time. I'm trying to imagine this "drastically different" American culture the author yearns for -- no Lady Gaga or Project Runway? Madonna becomes a children's book author? (Oh, wait, she did that.) Because suppressing gay icons is sooo much more important than fixing the mess an unregulated finance system has gotten us into.

If someone handed me a million dollars I'd establish the Most Likely to Make My Son a Tranny Awards. Two categories: Lifetime Achievement and Best New Artist. The nominees are up for discussion. Cash prizes to the winners and free drinks for all!

Posted by: Laura Gato at July 30, 2010 3:05 PM

Love this question...
First thing I would do is get my Moms family together for a reunion. She hasnt seen them in over 10 years.

Posted by: Jade at July 30, 2010 4:01 PM

Really??!? The GOLDEN GIRLS?!? Not Flock of Seagulls? Not Boy George? Not QUEEN?!? Not Paul Lynde on the Hollywood Squares? Liberace? Match Game?? We should probably also blame The Golden Girls for the destruction the Iron Curtain and the AIDS epidemic because neither one of those happened before the show came on either.

Posted by: NG at July 30, 2010 6:36 PM

A millions dollars? I would put it in my car and drive off, pick my boyfriend up and go to a bank to deposit it into a safe deposit box. Then we would have a fabulous meal and talk about what to do with it.

Posted by: Jenn Benn at July 30, 2010 6:59 PM

I'd take $35,000 and pay off my student loans, car, and all my current debt. And really, I could pay off my credit cards and my student loans with about $16000 and that would solve my problems. The rest I would invest, put in to savings, donate. I would pay back my parents for money they have loaned me. I would buy a house and a horse. And that would be it.

If I was being super realistic, I could actually solve problems with about 7k. And I could pay it forward to someone else who needed money more than I did.

Posted by: Kate M. at July 30, 2010 8:53 PM

Pay off my house and then invest it so I could have a good interest payment every month! Honestly, a million doesn't go too far anymore :(

Posted by: Rose @Dozenroses13 at July 31, 2010 2:13 AM

Say thank you? :)

Buy a house. Invest the rest.

Posted by: Kim at July 31, 2010 11:59 PM

Screw that guy, The Golden Girls are genius.

Posted by: Stephanie at August 1, 2010 10:18 PM

I'd buy a new green dress, but not a real green dress 'cos that's cruel...

Posted by: Kat at August 2, 2010 1:48 PM

I think that's the worst review I've ever read here. I'll add to my run like the plague list.

Pay off debt, then Asia long fucking trip.

Posted by: Nat at August 5, 2010 10:46 PM

When you're in not good state and have no money to get out from that point, you will need to take the personal loans. Just because it should aid you unquestionably. I take term loan every year and feel myself OK just because of that.

Posted by: LauriFitzgerald at August 4, 2011 9:28 PM