August 11, 2010

Snot Fetishes and Hannah Montana's Gay Cousin

Woe is me. Though I make nose-blowing look good, I'm rocking a cold. Or at least something that seems to make my head feel as though it's stuck in poured concrete. To amuse myself - which doesn't take much - I pulled my site stats and, to amuse you, I pulled together some of the more amusing (and slightly terrifying) search terms for the last month.

  • Big massive buffolow asses. I like big bison butt and I cannot lie...
  • Awesome mullet. That's something of an oxymoron but I've got to admit that if any mullet could be considered awesome, it's mine.

  • Fear of shipwrecks. Yeah. That's me. Spiders and shipwrecks. No clue why.
  • Tinkerbell upskirt. What the hell is wrong with you people? And, um, do you have a link you can pass along?
  • The sweetest little bathroom story. Perhaps you haven't been paying attention. I have no sweet bathroom stories. Only terrifying ones.
  • Unless that is Spider-Man if Spider-Man were a backyard wrestler or Kurt Cobain your costume looks shitty. Nothing about that sentence makes sense and I'm now pretty convinced that a serial killer visited my site sometime in July.
  • Cheesehead panties. I don't think I want to know. You Green Bay fans are a dedicated bunch aren't you?
  • Dirty white trash neighbor won't leave us alone. We had one of those once. We found that there wasn't a spray for that. We had to move.
  • Good things about Friday. I think the more appropriate way to think of that is what is not good about Friday? And the answer to that is nothing.
  • Pepper Sparklepants Montana. Is that Hannah Montana's older gay cousin? Actually, I have an older gay cousin who fits that bill (really).
  • My son constantly says inappropriate things. Mom?
  • Midget brothels. I've heard rumors but never actually gotten independent confirmation or irrefutable proof. What do you know?
  • Sweat snot fetish. If that's the next big thing in porn, I'm out.
  • Does fish oil pills make you fart? Yes. Don't ask me how I know that...but..yes. Oh, and holy bad grammar, Batman.
  • Inappropriate preschool songs. I'll take Soundgarden's Big Dumb Sex for one-hundred, Alex.
  • The shocking rude hidden message behind Disney movies. There's a hidden clip in ever Disney movie that plays quietly after the credits are done rolling. In it Mickey Mouse is holding a gimp mask and a baseball bat and, while aiming the bat towards the audience, he looks out a parents and quietly says "we own you bitch". And Mickey is so, so right.

What's the weirdest thing you've seen on the net lately?

Posted by Chris at August 11, 2010 6:32 AM

Wait, I picked you up in a bathroom and you just said that all of your bathroom stories are terrifying so the beginning of our entire relationship causes you terror? Best come home with flowers.

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at August 11, 2010 7:11 AM

Checkmate Beth!

Posted by: Ross at August 11, 2010 8:23 AM

Thanks to surf control, I don't get out as much as I used to, but the whole Burger King chicken suit that would do your bidding still freaks me out a bit.

And to the bathroom point, I believe that there is a balancing effect in life; the force ( so to speak ) has to be balanced, and so if Chris' most wonderful relationship in his life which spawned him wonderful children and a lifetime of love and happiness had it's genesis in a bathroom, then ultimately he'll meet Darth Vader playing air hockey with Freddy Krueger while stopping by to tinkle. [ * Throwing Chris a bone * ]

But yeah, I'd go with flowers ( and some candy just for effect ). ;)


Posted by: metawizard at August 11, 2010 10:26 AM

Nicely played, Mrs. Cactus!!

The one thing that struck me in that picture was not the horrifying hair, surprisingly but the fact that you have very nice eyebrows!

Posted by: Holly at August 11, 2010 10:35 AM

I was totally going to say, "Didn't you meet your wife in the bathroom?" but she beat me to it.

I avoid weird things on the web, and so far I've been successful. When my son was younger, I was wondering if his non-circumcised penis looked normal. I am still wondering because I refuse to Google "What does a 1-year-old's uncircumcised penis look like" 'cause THAT will NOT end well.

Posted by: Brooke at August 11, 2010 2:50 PM

I have the same cold as you, but I'm pretty sure we didn't catch it from each other.

Also, congrats on the Mullet Stats!

Posted by: jessica at August 12, 2010 10:12 AM

I can't say that I've seen anything weird on the 'net lately, but I can say that I always love when you post search strings from your site... AND your comments. Thanks for the Friday giggles.

Posted by: ironic1 at August 13, 2010 2:50 PM

Oh, and you will always be the owner of the most awesome mullet ever.

Posted by: ironic1 at August 13, 2010 2:52 PM

I am so sending you Bryan's high school photo. Not as much awesome mullet ads you though. YOU OWN IT.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at August 16, 2010 6:33 PM