August 17, 2011


When I lived in Houston our phone number was one digit off a famous local restaurant's. After a few years, we got tired of saying sorry wrong number and started taking reservations. This is kinda like that. Yesterday I got the following email:

Hello, I will like to order for Fajitas for 150 people on august 26th and its for my mom birthday and it will be pick up by private shipper agent and am ready to pay for full amount with my credit card can you do that for me and pick up time is 4pm so let me have the total cost plus tax.


Please Note: i would like you to get back to with the total for individually made for 150 ppl plus tax

To which I replied:

Vivian, Thank you for your inquiry and a very happy birthday to your mother. We would be more than happy to accomodate your order but you must first agree to write emails comprised of more than one deliriously long grammatically incorrect sentence. Our cost estimate - predicated on a mix of our most popular fajitas - is as follows:

150 fajitas:
- 40 beef @ $1.50/fajita
- 40 chicken @ $1.50/fajita
- 20 rare Bolivian goat @ $5.50/fajita
- 20 Peruvian alpaca @ $8.40/fajita
- 10 lobster and unicorn tears @ $240.24 (or current market price)/fajita

Subtotal: $2,500.40
Mariachi band: $475.00
Tortilla-wrapping surcharge: $194.59
Processing, handling and no-sneeze fee: $45.61
Homeland security cheddar tax: $391.02
Chips: $1,201.00*
Arroz con helado: $438.41+
Hookers: $54,201.00^
GRAND TOTAL: $62,547.43

We hope you'll choose us for your next event. Tell your friends and get a %0.03 discount on your next order.

Your friends at the Bonito Queso Fajita Emporium

* they're REALLY good
+ our famous blend of organic long grain rice, herbs, spices and Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream
^ please specify preferences and specialties at least 30 days before your special event; midget hookers extra

It's like crank-calling without the phone. And I'm kind of an asshole.

Posted by Chris at August 17, 2011 7:31 AM

I say this lovingly: You're a dick.

Posted by: alektra at August 17, 2011 7:47 AM

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

Posted by: Jenn at August 17, 2011 7:52 AM

Love it! What I don't love is the jackass DJ on a local oldies radio station who takes pride in a wrong-number call he received asking for references for a job applicant. He trashed the applicant.

Posted by: Nancy at August 17, 2011 8:16 AM

Wow... those chips sound great!
And can we waive the no sneeze fee? I just don't think that's worth $45.

Posted by: Kim at August 17, 2011 8:41 AM

Our phone number used to belong to a now defunct furniture manufacturer. We get wacky calls all the time. The ones that really make me scratch my head are the ones that listen to the voicemail message and *still* leave some sort of message about furniture. My husband always wants to call them back and take an order. I won't let him. However, the grammar in the email you received was sufficient justification for your reply!

Posted by: Elizabeth at August 17, 2011 8:42 AM

That's hilarious! If I had gotten that email back I would have laughed my ass off.

Posted by: Claire at August 17, 2011 8:47 AM

Holy Hell did I need that laugh this morning. Brilliant and well deserved.

Posted by: Jen at August 17, 2011 8:49 AM

This made me laugh so hard I choked on my diet coke. Fantastic. (I guess this is my coming out party: Hi, I'm Kate and I'm kind of an asshole too!)

Posted by: Kate M at August 17, 2011 9:08 AM

That is hilarious. Thanks for starting my morning with a laugh. I hope you get a response.

Posted by: Carolyn at August 17, 2011 9:43 AM

That is awesome! If I had $62,547.43 to spare, I would order that.

Posted by: Akofaolain at August 17, 2011 9:51 AM

That was fantastic!!! I, too, would have gone there like you did... so I guess that makes me somewhat evil as well. OK, maybe just mischievous. Anyway, thanks for sharing, as the laugh was excellent!

Posted by: ironic1 (Gina) at August 17, 2011 10:45 AM

Well, you are RUDE Cactus. ;) That's fantastic! I wonder if she'll respond. hehehe :)

Posted by: Manda at August 17, 2011 10:45 AM

So mean...and kinda, really funny!

The last three digits of our old phone number were 911. A couple of times we got emergency calls. If it wasn't so horrifying it would have been astounding at how dense some people are. If you have to leave a message, it's probably NOT emergency services.

Posted by: Holly at August 17, 2011 10:46 AM

I was checking out he site, on their Daily Morning Randomness(8/17/2011). Well, number 15 kinda reminded me of someone...I believe sir, it is you.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Posted by: Justin at August 17, 2011 1:09 PM


Now I'm hungry for fajitas. The beef and chicken variety though. No midget hookers.

Posted by: James Proffitt at August 17, 2011 1:10 PM

You're awful.

And I say that with a smile. The best part is that Vivian probably still doesn't understand why her order didn't go through.

Posted by: Fraulein N at August 17, 2011 3:00 PM

Fabulous - and a laugh I needed just now. Thanks!

Posted by: Heather at August 17, 2011 3:02 PM

How cruel! And hilarious!! lol

Posted by: Dianne at August 17, 2011 3:30 PM

You think you had prank call? Our last name is BUTT. nuff said.

Posted by: joss is boss at August 17, 2011 7:21 PM

ROFLMAO! I really hope you didn't send that back to her. Did you? REALLY?!

My phone number was one off from the emergency room of the hospital a mile away. I got calls in the middle of the night (and I had to answer it just in case it was my parents calling from Thailand) and messages left in Spanish all the time.

Posted by: oakley at August 18, 2011 3:18 AM


My cousin once had a phone # that was a digit off from an escort service. Good times, good times...

Posted by: Sue R at August 18, 2011 10:13 AM

You may be a dick, but you're a hysterically clever dick.

Posted by: Dawn at August 18, 2011 2:01 PM

Not just an asshole, a genius asshole. This is priceless.

In college, back in the stone age when you had to dial into the campus network, you could just dial the last four digits on campus. Those last four digits were 9911 and many modems had the bad habit of chopping off the first 9. Campus safety couldn't understand why they got so many unintentional emergency calls until I told them when they called to see if I was all right after one of those calls.

Strangely, they never bothered to change the number.

Posted by: Foggy Dew at August 18, 2011 9:59 PM

That is utter brilliance. I was going to send a snarky reply as well when I got that same e-mail, but then I did a Web search and I found this, and I realized Vivian must be spam of the strangest (and most hilarious) variety.

Posted by: Bibby at August 19, 2011 12:02 PM

I used to have a phone number that previously belonged to a pool service. People would leave messages on my machine all the time to schedule cleanings. One woman got really irrate when I told her that the business didn't exist anymore and said she was going to report me to the Better Business Bureau for refusing to make an appointment.

Posted by: MamaKaren at August 19, 2011 1:41 PM