January 10, 2012


Dear Toilets of my House,

Oh how you betray me, oh toilets. I thought we had a good relationship. I peed in you. I flushed. You made everything go away. Now, I don't know exactly what I did but it seems that you've organized some sort of massive strike, some sort of workers revolt. Not a single damn one of you works with any - uh-hum - regularity in our house. One of you runs constantly for no apparent reason. Anoh

Not a single damn one of the four of you works with any sort of - pardon the pun - regularity. One of you runs constantly for no apparent reason. Another pipes up a few times after every flush. One randomly drips onto the floor. The last one, well, two words: ball cock. Yep, ball cock problem that I'll be damned if I know how to fix without ripping it's guts out.

Yesterday I had about 562 conference calls in a row about this Big Work Thing. By the end of the 325th I really had to pee. So I pulled the plunger that stopped the ball cock from working, put the lid on, opened the seat, peed, flushed, closed the seat, put the plunger back in and put the lid back on. Hell, I damn near just peed in the sink to save myself the trouble but then I realized that I wasn't drunk and waiting in line at a Kiss concert so I rethought it. But it was more complicated than peeing needed to be.

So, please, toilets, let me know what I can do to mend the fragile relationship we have.

Yours in Christ,

Posted by Chris at January 10, 2012 8:47 AM

As I type this, the lid is off my 1st floor toilet because the HANDLE broke off!
Construction man husband got a replacement for the it but the toilet is about 15 years old and they had to order the part.
He put it on but then the toilet kept losing water and filling and losing water and filling until I was so insane I turned the water off to it completely.
Of course we have family coming on Thursday for a few days. Hopefully he will CALL THE PLUMBER by then!
Oh, good luck with yours.

Posted by: NancyB at January 10, 2012 1:04 PM

This must be the season for commode calamaties! We've been dealing w/2 of our 3 being semi-functional for the last month. Right now (crossing all pertinent bits) they all "seem" to be operational; but I know it's just the calm before the storm.

Husband has said he basically intends to gut the first-floor half-bath and re-do it. I'm encouraging him to replace ALL the commodes in the house. Why stop at one?? Prevention - especially when it comes to things that can cause massive water damage - sounds like a good plan to me!

Posted by: Donna at January 10, 2012 1:32 PM

If you work something out with them, let me know. I have an almost-50-year-old toilet that works like a dream, another of the same vintage that seems to have a blockage downstream but I can't get my househusband to remember to call the warranty company to have it looked at. Our third toilet is low-flow and thus, fragile. Better since we had the roots power-washed out of its main line, but still. Good luck with that. I feel ya.

Posted by: Brooke at January 10, 2012 2:20 PM

What I read was even with all your stress right now, you still have a sense of humor. And that's what will get you thru anything :)

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