May 8, 2012

Flying Bullhorns and Air Squid

Into every life a little rain must fall. Or a really annoying bird must sing. Okay, you probably haven't heard that second one. It's a little more obscure but incredibly true.

It's been a beautiful spring here in the outskirts of Monkeytown. The days haven't been overly hot and the nights have been breezy and cool. Our windows remain open around the clock. And that explains why we're awoken each morning at precisely 4:28 by the loudest, most annoying and purely evil bird that has ever flown the skies above this earth.

The devil crafted this bird himself out of feathers, attitude and bullhorns. I've never seen it but judging by the noise it makes, I can only assume that it's got an eight-foot wingspan and devours small children for nutrients. It's call is a four syllable mixture of pain and orgasmic delight cranked up to 11 Nigel Tufnel style. It sounds, vaguely, like wake the fuck up...wake the fuck up. And we do. In the absence of an actual name, I'm calling it the Northern Virginia Red-Throated Douche Bird.

I'm a vegetarian. While I fully believe that everyone should consume whatever they want to consume, I choose not to eat anything with a face. That said, I would gladly kill this bird, spit-roast it and put it in my tummy if it would mean sleeping past 4:28. Or introduce a horrifically destructive species into the environment, whatever natural predator would consume an incredibly annoying eight foot bird. Like a flying fire-breathing air squid. And if that air squid torched every tree in the neighborhood and made off with a few of the smaller, yappier dogs, it would be well worth it because we'd be able to sleep until a more godly hour.

The problem is I'd break my neck if I climbed the tree in our front yard this thing lives in. And air squid aren't real. I guess I'm going to have to deal with it.

Posted by Chris at May 8, 2012 7:10 AM

Wake the fuck up....wake the fuck up.... That bird lives in my back yard!

Posted by: linda at May 8, 2012 8:26 AM

LOL, this made my morning! Hilarious! And awfully annoying; I feel your pain. We used to have Sand Hill Cranes down south and they stalk around your yard and make awful noises. And they ARE really big.

Posted by: Claire at May 8, 2012 8:39 AM

Yeah, sounds like the robin that lives in the tree right outside my bedroom window. He pipes up about 4:00 every morning. I guess that gives him time to get from Buffalo to your house by 4:28. Flying bird-eating air squids? Sounds like a good idea to me.

Posted by: Elizabeth at May 8, 2012 8:42 AM

Why don't you just close your window before you go to bed? I would sacrifice the fresh air and breeze in my bedroom for a good, full night's sleep! Just a thought :)

Posted by: Susan at May 8, 2012 11:00 AM

Nope, sorry...the robin who feels the need to tap at my paladium window in my bedroom at 5:00 am every day for about 1/2 hour before moving down to the living room and driving my dog to bark to high heaven...waking me up even further is the most annoying bird in the world!

Posted by: Krush at May 8, 2012 5:19 PM

so funny. the post, not the damn bird. lately, i've been woken up around 4 with a sneeze, which leads to two hours of abysmal allerygy symptoms (it's like the sneeze opens the door).

Posted by: kati at May 8, 2012 9:53 PM

In our last house, we had the most glorious clematis outside our back door. Glorious, except for the nesting mourning doves living within its branches (vines?). Ooo-WOO-hoo-hoo-hoo. Every freaking morning at dawn from about March through October. We moved. My brother moved in. He cut down the clematis. I guess sometimes one must sacrifice beauty for sleep. Good luck.

Posted by: kate at May 8, 2012 11:00 PM

See, I think we just got used to it. Because the fucking birds around here? THEY NEVER STOP. 2pm? 2am? What's the difference. I think they're actually CIA robot spies.

Speaking of which, have you and the kids seen the squirrel who does a spread eagle on the ground in front of the FBI and seems to pose for the camera? No joke.

Posted by: alektra at May 9, 2012 3:47 PM