December 3, 2012

The Holiday Letter I Will Send This Year

Every year, we get dozens of Christmas letters, you know, the kind that exhaustively recount the various and sundry things a particular family did over the course of the year. Some are great - witty and funny - and some are fit only for insomniacs who have tried every available drug. We tend to get more of the latter. I've been threatening to write my own for a very long time. And now I have. You guys get a sneak peek.

It's been a crazy 2012 for the Cactus-Fish family. There have been 365 wonderful days and, as is my holiday tradition, I'll walk you through each and every one.

Owen began his second and final year of preschool at Our Lady Of The Perpetual Shortness Of Breath. He's continued to blossom. While attending preschool Owen has started a Beatles tribute band with some of his friends. Since none of them can play any instruments besides drums, the classics have a refreshingly different arrangement. They're still finding their groove. Back in May, Owen was abducted by aliens. He was gone three days but returned to us perfectly fine. The timing was actually pretty good since he'd been acting like a little tool and we needed the break.

Mia started second grade this year. After excelling in a traditional public school environment we decided that she need to be challenged. That's why we've sent her to our local Klingon immersion school. From 9:00 in the morning until 3:25 in the afternoon, she's encouraged to speak nothing but Klingon while learning the history, social studies and math of planet Earth. As they say, nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'*.

As many of you know, after years of IT consulting I decided to change careers back in April. It's been an adjustment for all of us but I'm deeply in love with my new career as an illumination technician. Those big ass lights on the side of the highway don't change themselves! In my off-hours, I continue to write Dharma & Greg illustrated fan fiction and build Lego models of obscure third world dictators. Always on the look-out for new hobbies, I've recently begun refurbishing old refrigerators as walk-in closets for midgets.

Beth continues to stay home with the kids by day. It's challenging and I'm sure she'd enjoy daylight interaction with real adults every once in a while but her nighttime activities keep her plenty engaged. Thankfully none of our neighbors have seemed to notice her frequent midnight exits. Her employer - I can't say tell you the name but I'll say it contains the letters C, I and A - seems to appreciate her work (and her aim) and the benefits are fantastic. Full dental!

This year, instead of hauling the kids to all the great destinations in the country - Mount Rushmore, the Grand Canyon, the Liberty Bell - we decided to take the kids to some of the lesser-known cities. We visited the refineries of Texas City, Texas, soaked in the culture of Gary, Indiana, and visited with mildly intoxicated native Americans in Gallup, New Mexico. Unfortunately, we got carjacked in Detroit. We were all fine, a little shaken up, but we finally found a way to ditch the minivan. We bought a hybrid Hummer in its place.

It was a good year for movies. We took the kids to see Hotel Transylvania, Brave, and Wreck-It Ralph, all of which were incredible. The only misstep was Toy Story 28: Andy and Brandi's Group House Party. It was only showing in a seedy theater and wasn't quite what we were expecting.

2012 marked the passing of several loved ones, most notably my great uncle Larry and great grandmother Florence. You've probably heard of Larry; he was something of a sensation in 1974, getting as close to viral as you could back then being the pickle eating champion of Lower Caledonia County in 1974. He was taken in his sleep by very unfortunate stealth lobster attack. Great grandmother Florence lived until the ripe old age of 118. That would have been a good thing had she not been convinced she was a miniature poodle for the last decade.

Anyhoo, we hope you all have fantastic holidays and that your 2013s are filled with as many wonderful memories as our 2012 was.

* I realize that translates, loosely, to where's the bathroom but Mia's Klingon is far more advanced than mine.

The Cactus-Fish

Posted by Chris at December 3, 2012 8:01 AM

best holiday letter ever! lol

Posted by: Kris at December 3, 2012 8:57 AM


Posted by: Julee at December 3, 2012 9:31 AM

Stealth Lobster attack, eh? THAT one I'm stealing. ;)

Posted by: Martin at December 3, 2012 10:04 AM

I've written two spoof holiday letters in my time and have always lacked the nerve to send them. Maybe this year....

Posted by: rebecca at December 3, 2012 11:28 AM

Love it!! Actually laughed out loud. Like, actually laughing. Actually out loud.

Posted by: Maggie at December 3, 2012 1:01 PM

Love. Love. Love. Especially the shout-out to Texas City. What a god-awful place!

Posted by: Heather at December 3, 2012 3:31 PM,30601/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=standard-post:headline:default

Posted by: Julee at December 3, 2012 5:25 PM

OMG It would be the only holiday missive I adored!

Posted by: That Girl at December 3, 2012 11:33 PM

OMG It would be the only holiday missive I adored!

Posted by: That Girl at December 3, 2012 11:34 PM

I can only wish I get something that good this year.

Posted by: kali at December 4, 2012 1:41 AM

Brilliant. Miniature poodle. Im still laughing

Posted by: Steph Dee at December 4, 2012 8:14 AM