May 2, 2013
Churros, Meth and 142 Hours At The Mall
Parenting is hard. Some days you're confronted by all sorts of horrors, like mall playgrounds, meth pillows and ceviche. The following is a real, unedited transcript of a recent text conversation between me and my lovely (and hilarious) wife.
Beth: Have been at the mall with Owen for 142 hours. I'm starting to seriously consider buying a $60 pillow. This is what happens when I sit outside of Brookstone for 142 hours. I have decided to annoy you instead.
Chris: That works.
Beth: Took him to buy shirts. Of the 8 he picked six have skulls on them. I had to talk him out of girl socks.
Chris: Good call.
Beth: Do you want to infuse your water by the way. I don't know what that means but Brookstone is pretty excited about it.
Chris: Yes. I do. I really, really do.
Beth: Owen has been playing with the same little girl for an hour which is very sweet but I'm losing the will to live.
Chris: Don't die at the mall. That's a shitty way to go.
Beth: I can tell you about Bueno Fresh too if you'd like. Would you like a churro?
Chris: What the fuck is Bueno Fresh?
Beth: It's next to Brookstone and clearly you do not spend enough time at the mall playground. Anyway, churro?
Chris: Yes, curro please.
Beth: Coming right up as soon as I buy my $60 pillow.
Chris: Why, precisely, is it so expensive?
Beth: I have no idea. Stuffed with meth? How much does meth cost? Am so out of touch.
Chris: Gotta be really cheap meth.
Beth: Never mind then. If I'm buying a pillow stuffed with meth, I want it to be good meth. Meanwhile, on the playground, Iron Man, Spider Man and Superman are playing together.
Chris: That would never happen. Two are Marvel and one is DC.
Beth: These kids are never getting into college.
Chris: Did the churro place replace the coffee place?
Beth: Yep. Such a shame since I have no immediate need for a churro but would love a cup of coffee. And also, I have not seen a single person set foot in Bueno Fresh in the entire 142 hours I've been sitting here.
Chris: That can't be good. Some sort of churro depression.
Beth: Hey, and ceviche. Mall ceviche is the best.
Chris: Only thing better than mall ceviche is mall meth. In a pillow.