June 4, 2013

Soliloquy Guy

Everyone's got a talent. This weekend, for example, I saw an incredibly tall woman riding a unicycle uphill while carrying on a conversation with a person walking along beside her. I watched a really talented band play in the 90+ degree heat without passing out. They even managed to pull off a not-shitty cover of Led Zeppelin's Rock And Roll (and everyone knows that cover versions of that song are almost always shitty). And then there's Soliloquy Guy.

The grocery store we most frequent is a store I've been going into since I was in high school. It's about two minutes from our house and after about five trips you pretty much know everyone who works there. My favorite is Soliloquy Guy. I wandered in there the other day to pick up a random collection of stuff I'd totally forgotten in my previous trips that week. Once I'd found all the stuff, I popped it on the belt and stood face to face with one of the few human beings I've ever encountered who truly needs no interaction to carry on a perfectly good conversation.

As best I can remember, this is exactly how the conversation went.

SG: Hello, sir. Did you find everything you were looking for? Oh, hey, it's you. How's it going, man? Yeah, me, I'm just waiting for 5:30. Been waiting all day. Don't care that it's all rainy out and stuff because I'm taking my girlfriend out on a date. I'm thinking a really nice restaurant, you know? I'm just going to drop my whole paycheck on her because she's totally worth it. Unless you want to pay for it. Ha, man, no I don't expect you to pay for it but where should we go? I was thinking Outback, you know, with those big-ass onions? If she likes it I'll tell her it was your idea. Nah, I'll take credit for it, no offense. Hey, I love Triscuits too. Ever notice Triscuits look like a little blanket the way they weave that wheat or whatever together. No Triscuits at Outback, just those big-ass onions and steak though you can look at me an tell I don't need any steak but my girlfriend doesn't care and that's why I'm taking her out tonight and dropping my whole paycheck. Beer. Yeah, hold on a sec. I'm not 21 so I've gotta get my manager over here to scan this, okay? He better get over here soon. I mean, I got to get you on your way and, look at the clock, it's almost 5:30. I got a girl, an onion and a steak waiting for me. You, girl, steak, onion, all important stuff, man. Oh, okay, just swipe your card and sign there and you're good. You have a good one, man.

Me: You too.

Posted by Chris at June 4, 2013 7:45 AM

That is awesome. I wish he worked at my grocery store.

Posted by: akofaolain at June 4, 2013 10:05 AM

Whoa! After that "convo", I'm sure you were glad you bought beer!

Posted by: James Proffitt at June 4, 2013 12:51 PM

You are a magnet, aren't you?

Posted by: Kristin at June 4, 2013 2:01 PM

At least that 'conversation' happened at the checkout lane and not in the store restroom.

Posted by: J at June 4, 2013 4:54 PM