July 11, 2013


Current events are rife with tools and douchebags. Take George Zimmerman. Vigilante douchebag. And Edward Snowden (hi, NSA!), not such a good dude. The entire legislature of my native Texas who's on the cusp of passing sweeping abortion legislation? Bag full of tools. Ron Popeil, the rotisserie guy? Something not right about him either.

But really, the greatest foes we as a society are confronted with are not evil dictators, as-seen-on-TV entrepreneurs or even entire legislative bodies. No, our greatest enemies are the asshats that created Candy Crush.

For those of you not in-the-know, Candy Crush is basically Bejeweled with candy. And, like candy, it is highly addictive. For brilliant people, I'm sure it's fun but for reasonably stupid people like me, getting past level XXXX* is a challenge on par with being able to circumvent gravity or turn plastic shopping bags into beer.

It's not just me. Beth has been impacted too.

Some evenings after the kids are in bed, we'll spend incredibly long stretches of time staring at our phones, me silently (or not) cursing, and Beth secretly buying extra lives (she's on my iTunes account, I see the invoices) only to eventually look at the clock and realize it's midnight and we both need to sleep because, unlike our children who actually value some degree of interaction and have escaped the crack-like lure of Candy Crush, we will be forced to rise in the morning and play yet another round.

Candy Crush is a giant time-suck and I blame you, evil creators. I am sure you are inter-galactic beings that feed on humans' wasted time, growing more powerful until one day you can defeat the earth. At the rate I'm playing, that'll be, oh, next Tuesday.

Well played, alien overlords. Well played.

* Redacted because I really don't want you to know how stupid I am.

Posted by Chris at July 11, 2013 7:36 AM

I got to level 50 I think. It was the second stopping point where you need go get friends to do something in order to continue. I deleted it at that point. If I can beat my addiction you can too ;)

Posted by: COD at July 11, 2013 9:19 AM

Level 319, and still going! I gave in to the addiction.

In better times, Mr. Snowden would be called a Whistleblower for exposing what the government is doing... there's a reason we have laws protecting whistleblowers... except when the gov't determines they don't like the particular corruption which is exposed.

Posted by: Kaz at July 11, 2013 10:16 AM

To avoid paying for more lives, change the time settings on your iphone/ipad, move forward one day; open candy crush again - voila, full lives. Go back to settings and change time setting to automatic. Play game, use up lives, rinse and repeat.

Look up from phone and realize it's 4am. :)

Posted by: hj at July 11, 2013 12:28 PM

I've also found that lives remaining does not sync across platforms, so I can play on my phone until I have no lives left, go play on the tablet, then go play on facebook, and often, by then, my lives have refreshed on my phone!

Posted by: Kaz at July 11, 2013 12:34 PM

I know this really nice lady who has a couple of extra identities on Facebook, just so she can play Candy Crush (and the Farm veggie game) as much as she wants without having to buy extra lives. She wastes A LOT of time on that stupid game and should really give it up entirely, but I have a really hard time convincing her (every morning in the mirror) to get help for her addiction.

Posted by: Procrastamom at July 11, 2013 1:42 PM

Yeah. I started playing this yesterday because of your FB post. You are spreading it around. I am on vacation now and can play until my eyes bleed, but when I get home I'm gonna be mad at you for infecting me.

Posted by: Amanda L. at July 11, 2013 6:13 PM

This is relevant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeLTx-ZhlFQ

Don't play that game; it's evil. Evil candy. (Says the girl stuck on level 213).

Posted by: anitaree at July 11, 2013 6:34 PM

I uninstalled it from my phone an blocked the requests on facebook after realising that the pains in my arm were due to holding my phone for hours while playing. It did not help that my ocd tendancies meant that I couldn't move on to the next level until I got all three stars.

Cold turkey is the only way to go!

Posted by: AlisonC at July 12, 2013 5:12 AM

Thanks for giving me a game to replace Solitaire Blitz.

Posted by: Nancy A at July 12, 2013 8:33 AM

I just don't understand how people can be at level 200+????? I thought I was doing good at level 110, which I've been stuck on for over a week. I have friends that started playing after I did and are way past me on the levels, so I feel like a stupid head too. Sigh.

Posted by: Fabs at July 12, 2013 1:18 PM

A friend from the cult of candy crush texted me this. Beth might be interested.
On iPhone or iPad go to settings>set date and time>set manually>add a day. Then you go to candy crush, verify that the 5 lives were added and BEFORE PLAYING you go back to settings and change it to be set automatically. This way you don't have to make up for the lost time, it somehow doesn't register the increase of a day if you don't lose any lives before changing it back. I did it. It worked. My indoctrination is complete.

Posted by: Amanda L. at July 12, 2013 9:15 PM

I curse this game every day. Got infected 8 days ago, now my husband calls me "candy crush" as in "Hey candy crush, you realize you only have 4 hours to sleep until work."

Plus, it's ironic that a game about candy could make you hate chocolate with such a passion.

Posted by: That Girl at July 13, 2013 8:48 PM

@Fabs - not every level is beatable every time. You often need the luck of the initial drop or the random candies that come in from off-screen...

Posted by: Kaz at July 15, 2013 1:59 PM