July 30, 2013
Ten 'Til Ten (Part 9)
I'm something of a freak magnet. This shouldn't be news to anyone. While recapping ten years of blogging, I'd be remiss if I didn't revisit at least one good bathroom incident. I give you my Bathroom Commandments from 2009. Enjoy me in reliving the glory.
THE BATHROOM COMMANDMENTS
August 20, 2009
I was in the bathroom (because all good stories start with those five words) standing there at the urinal (I was at work - my bathroom at home isn't quite that well appointed) just beginning to do my thing (that thing being peeing, draining the lizard, seeing a man about a horse). It was early and I was alone. In fact, before I walked into the bathroom, before the motion-activated lights flipped on it was really and truly dark and silent.
Halfway through, zoning out staring straight ahead at the white subway tile, thinking about the day unfolding ahead of me while trying to hit the little pink urinal cake it became immediately clear that I was not alone. The scream tipped me off.
NO!! NO NAZI DRAGONFLIES!! MOMMY!!
This exclamation quite literally scared the piss out of me. First, I made my default exclamation - FUCK! - then I peed all over the wall.
Given a couple moments to think about it, I started to piece together what had happened. Whoever it was down in stall #3 had fallen asleep, the lights had turned off and he'd entered dreamland, though a fairly fucked up dreamland, so fucked up in fact that I wanted to get the hell out of Dodge before he decided to make me his next victim.
Now, due to all my strange bathroom encounters, I have an extensive set of personal rules governing bathroom behavior, Bathroom Commandments, if you will. I follow them and I expect others to as well. Because they make sense.
- Thou shalt not under any circumstances regardless of the intensity of hunger pains eat or drink while relieving one's self.
- Thou shalt undertake no other grooming activities - for instance tooth brushing - while relieving one's self.
- Thou shalt not fully remove any articles of clothing during one's tenure in the restroom. This includes shirts but it is especially critical that pants remain on.
- Thou shalt not sing, dance, or stage any kind of musical or variety show in the restroom. This is distracting and weird.
- Thou shalt not talk on the phone while performing standard bathroom operations. Thou dost not need to communicate that badly.
- Thou shalt not sleep in the bathroom.