September 30, 2003

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Anne recently hurt herself and I mentioned a similar incident without explanation. I figured it was time to let you know what kind of dumb-ass I actually am.

About five years ago, my wife and I had my parents over to our place for dinner. We whipped up something for the main course and my parents brought dessert. As I recall, it was a pie or something with vanilla Hagen Dazs ice cream. Long after my parents went home and we cleaned up, we were lying in bed reading and I got the sudden urge for more ice cream. It was around midnight and admittedly I wasnt thinking all that clearly. Now, please remember that Hagen Dazs is, for some reason, the hardest ice cream known to man. Its like the diamond of dairy products. While I understood this, I DID NOT do the following things:

- Pop the pint of ice cream in the microwave to defrost it a little bit
- Grab the nearest ice cream scoop and heat it up under hot water
- Let the pint of ice cream sit on the counter for a few minutes to thaw, or
- Forget the whole thing and go back to bed

No, instead, I reached into the silverware drawer and picked up the first table knife I could find (see where this is headed yet?). Using the knife, I tried cutting into the ice cream. Im not sure to this day what I thought Id actually accomplish. Needless to say, the knife made it through the ice cream rather well. Unfortunately, it also made it through one of the fingers I was holding the pint of ice cream with. I believe my single comment to the event was, shit! My wife, from the bedroom, asked me what was wrong and I slowly made my way into the bedroom, towel wrapped around my hand. I calmly told her that I thought Id really hurt myself and she asked me to show her. I said no, that shed make me go to the hospital if I did. She said she felt certain that wouldnt be necessary (I can overreact at times I think she thought this was one of them). Then she looked at my wound. We went to the hospital.

The hospital was actually not that bad. It was a Sunday night/Monday morning and I was the only patient in the emergency room. I had the complete attention of both doctors on duty as well as the nursing staff, all of whom quizzed me on the finer points of my story, confirming details with my wife. We finally figured out that they were convinced this was no innocent ice cream incident (whod be that dumb?). They were certain wed had some kind of table knife-wielding domestic dispute. It took them a while before they realized I was just that stupid.

They sewed me up, referred me to a surgeon, my hand was unusable for about six weeks, physical therapy was conducted and I eventually learned how to use the damn thing again. I still dont have feeling in part of the finger but, after everyone learned what Id done to myself, I was given plenty of ice cream scoops.

Posted by Chris at September 30, 2003 11:29 AM