February 26, 2004

Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before

This might sound familiar. In fact, I’ve blogged about this before, however I believe the entry was lost in the Great Blog Fiasco of ’03 during which my database crashed and your host became a very unhappy camper. So, I shall recap and update.

I work on the same floor as a rather disgusting individual – we’ll call him BoBo the Bathroom Clown. BoBo for short.

BoBo’s a big guy. He’s probably 6’ 5” and weighs a good 275 lbs. Bottom line: this is not a small man. He’s not an attractive man either. He usually looks as if he just rolled out of bed – hair in disarray, two-day stubble, mangled suit and a tie straight out of the ‘70s. And for some reason he usually wears black Reeboks with the ensemble. Its an interesting look, don’t get me wrong.

About a year ago, I started encountering BoBo in the bathroom. At first, I really didn’t pay much attention to him but several weeks after first noticing the guy, he made his presence known. A few choice encounters for illustration purposes:

Random Encounter #1:
BoBo and I are standing next to each other at the urinals doing, you know, our thing. Next thing I know, I’m jolted by a deafening fart. Its head-splittingly loud of a magnitude hitherto unknown in the history of human emission. “Scuse me” he says. Another fart. “Scuse me.” Another fart. The sequence goes on for a good 20 or 30 seconds.

Random Encounter #2:
BoBo’s at the urinal when I enter the restroom. I don’t have many options but to take my place beside him at the other one. And after the first encounter, I know what to expect. That is, until I notice that he’s brushing his teeth. Yes, ever the multi-tasker, BoBo’s taking a leak and brushing his teeth. Of course (you had to see this coming) all of this is accompanied by the soundtrack of deafening farts.

Random Encounter #3:
I enter the bathroom to find myself alone, sans- BoBo at the urinals. And I feel safe until I notice the familiar black Reeboks poking out from beneath the stall door. Still, him in there is better than him in the unconfined space offered by the rest of the bathroom. Or so you’d think. Shortly after I enter and size up the situation, I hear some beeps, then a slurping sound, followed by the shuffling of paper. When I have the chance to glance, I’m able to confirm that he’s reading the paper, drinking a cup of coffee and playing with his Palm Pilot. He emerges with a half-eaten banana.

Random Encounter #4:
No sooner do I enter the bathroom do I see BoBo, pants around ankles, brushing his teeth at the sink in his underwear. Had I stayed I would have burst out laughing, despite the fact that it wasn’t a pretty sight. Instead, I said “oops” and left.

Now, knowing what you know, imagine how pleased I was the other day to see BoBo in the bathroom the other day looking positively dapper. He’d cut is hair very short, gotten a new suit, put on a fancy tie and gotten a more professional looking pair of shoes. I figure we’re going to be seeing him on Queer Eye sometime soon. And I was really thrilled with this transformation until he barreled into me, grabbed a paper towel and blew his nose in my face then farted.

Posted by Chris at February 26, 2004 09:42 AM

Maybe BoBo's getting laid! But still not sharing a bathroom with any females, obviously.

Posted by: amalah at February 26, 2004 09:54 AM

He sounds like our downstairs neighbor, nicknamed Mr. Mumbles. It's almost possible it's the same person, but I doubt it cause mumbles still looks like an utter slob.

Posted by: Cornelia at February 26, 2004 09:55 AM

i'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mock my boyfriend in such a public manner ;)

but seriously he sounds hot. i loves me some multitasker men.

Posted by: Marie at February 26, 2004 10:16 AM

We've got his twin brother here where I work. Thankfully, we don't have to share a bathroom, but my office is across the halls from the bathrooms, and sometimes the sound (and other things) carries.

Posted by: amber at February 26, 2004 10:43 AM

Yup. This was the post I was talking to you about that time.

I haven't made up my mind yet if it's a good thing that you re-posted it LOL

Posted by: Irma at February 26, 2004 11:10 AM

Ha! Oh god, chai tea out the nose. Thanks :)

We don't have a BoBo here (well, maybe there is, but I don't ever encounter him)... but we have what I affectionately refer to as "silent shitters" in the women's bathrooms... I've posted about it elsewhere before... complete silence to the point where you almost don't know they're in there, except for the feet visible under the stall door and the eerie silence that makes even washing your hands an uncomfortable experience because you know they're LISTENING to every move you make, waiting for you to leave so they can continue with their business.

I don't know about you, but I certainly don't have a "pause" button in that regard.

Posted by: Tara at February 26, 2004 11:51 AM

Oh shit, that's funny...

I have two pet peeves in the men's room.

#1 - Guys who talk to each other at the stalls. The only thing I can think during those moments is, "Shut up. It's bad enough that I have to hear you taking a piss, I'm also trying to concentrate on you not touching yourself."

#2 - People who undo their pants and re-tuck their shirt at the sink. Come on. Why can't you get it right the first time? It's not rocket science. And that is not the place to undress. Just because nasty things are happening a few feet away doesn't mean I want you to give me a strip show as I wash my hands.

Oh yeah, and people who don't wash their hands. That makes me cringe.

Posted by: Rob at February 26, 2004 12:44 PM

Random encounter #4 worried me somewhat after reading he had his pants around his ankles! Coz pants over here.. well it means his undergarments. You can imagine my relief as i read on.

Posted by: Fluffy at February 26, 2004 12:59 PM

Oh man I am cracking up

Posted by: Rachel in Alaska at February 26, 2004 03:34 PM

I bet he'd get along really well with one of my co-workers. The "if I can't see them, they can't hear me" surreptitious farter across from my cube. *shudder*

Posted by: pie at February 26, 2004 03:53 PM

I don't know... I gotta respect a guy who is that comfortable in the bathroom at work.

Also, I want to know if he's like saving up those farts for the bathroom? Perhaps he doesn't fart at his desk out of respect for his coworkers, and you're only seeing his bad side, so to speak.

Yup, that's me. Flatulence's Advocate. *lol*

Posted by: Iki at February 27, 2004 06:38 AM