March 17, 2004

Jan Brady in the Hizzo!

Dear Chris,

Thank you so much for asking ME, the NEW JAN BRADY to post on your Wildly Successful Rude Cactus (tm)...instead of my BITCH of a sister MARCIA!

I've been really busy. My boyfriend George Glass and I went to see the Passion of the Christ last night. Some chick behind me kept asking me to sit lower in my seat because my damn hair (like the new look?) was blocking her view. SOMEONE didn't learn much about COMPASSION from the movie.

After the movie, George Glass and I went over to my Aunt Jenny's. George says I look JUST LIKE HER. What an idiot. He will be getting an ass kicking very soon. Anyway, I showed her the new locket that Alice gave me when I ran away (we are now bonded losers forever!), and she gave me some Claritin for my allergies (DAMN TIGER!).

I didn't really want to go home after that because I knew my Dad was going to beat my ASS because I accidentally took his very important drawings that no one ever sees instead of my Yogi Bear poster. And I knew my siblings wouldn't pay any attention to me.

But that's okay, because yesterday? Marcia got POUNDED in THE NOSE with a football! She kept screaming "Oh my NOSE!". It was funnier than shit. She's so damn ugly now.

Thanks again for letting me fill in and update everyone on what's new in my world! With the weather warming up, my freckles are once again rearing their ugly head. I've got to go scrub them with lemon juice.

Love ya!
Jan

Posted by at March 17, 2004 01:29 PM
Comments

Whatever, JAN. Davy Jones just took me to see `Avenue Q` in New York City. And during intermission, Ralph Lauren asked me to be the face of his new fragrance - "Jan Is A Crazy Selfish BeeYOTCH."

Posted by: Marcia at March 17, 2004 01:50 PM

Obviously MARCIA, Davy is just dating you to get to ME!

I mean? His song? "Girl...look what you've done to me...made me dump you for JAN..."

Posted by: Jan Brady at March 17, 2004 02:01 PM

Pipe down girls! Your mom's on her fourth martini already and is screaming at me about the meatloaf again. Goddamn lazy blonde bitch don't work and still has a maid do all the cooking and cleaning? Shit.

But at least the Brady house doesn't have a toilet, cuz I don't DO toilets, motherfucker.

Posted by: Alice at March 17, 2004 02:02 PM

Right, Jan. Go on and pet Tiger, will you please? Or, you could go and make out with George fucking Glass.

You know who's gonna play you in the movie they make of our lives, right? The cow who was on `Saturday Night Live` for, like, a minute. I, on the other hand, will have a girl whose career will be made based on my likeness. And she marries a famous comedian movie star. Who does your actress marry, Jan? Oh, that's right. NO ONE.

Posted by: Marcia at March 17, 2004 02:04 PM

Good one, Marcia! NOT! At least *I* know the importance of dusting my ass!

And your trophies? I threw them OUT!

Alice, could you sneak ME a martini?

Posted by: Jan Brady at March 17, 2004 02:16 PM

"Not"? Who are you, Garth?

Whatever, Alice, you know Jan can't hold her liquor.

Posted by: Marcia at March 17, 2004 02:18 PM

Shaddup, ya stupid blonde bitches! I am sick and tired of all yer whining.

And the martinis are all MINE. Sam the Butcher is due here any minute so I gotta put my best orthopedic shoes on and pluck some nipple snakes.

Posted by: Alice at March 17, 2004 02:25 PM

Both you need to be quiet. It's not polite to fight. And besides, your arguing is causing my curls to straighten. No martinis for anyone. It's also not healthy. You should all do things to look cute. Like me. Now kiss Kitty-Carry All's shoes.

Posted by: Cindy at March 17, 2004 03:14 PM

Pluck some nipple snakes? What on earth?

Posted by: wlfldy at March 18, 2004 07:59 AM