April 27, 2004


When I was in elementary school, it was customary for moms to make cupcakes when it was their kid's birthday. The kid would bring enough cupcakes for the whole class, kids would ingest way too much sugar and the teacher would silently curse whichever parent it was who'd decided to get knocked up in the first place, while the kids in their class, operating under the influnce of sugar and lard, threw crayons at one another and made farting sounds while sticking chalk in their ears. My mom, not wanting me to be left out despite her early objections to sugar and the consumption thereof, complied.

One birthday when I was in first or second grade, my mom and I were loading up the car, getting ready to pick up the rest of my neighborhood schoolmates. Just as soon as we'd finished loading the two boxes of cupcakes into the backseat of the car, a visitor arrived. A dog. A big-ass dog. A dog that, I'm convinced, must have taken steroids and bench-pressed other dogs in the neighborhood. Easily the size of my first grade self and capable of producing its bodyweight in drool, a skill it showed off quite a bit, it climbed into the backseat and placed its large, well-toned steroid-enhanced dog ass right on the two boxes of cupcakes. Smooshing them mightily.

It took us a half hour - I shit you not - to get this dog out of the backseat. He was nice, never growled or barked, but he was also stubborn ("I shall not be moved!"). He was just, I guess, happy sitting there in the back of our Buick. Eventually he just got bored and left. My mom and I got back in the car and pondered the destruction of so many innocent cupcakes. Really, she pondered. I just worried what the hell all the kids were going to think of me and my crushed dog-ass flavored cupcakes. I mean, how ghetto is that? We saved the vast majority and it didn't hurt that my mom had made extras. The ones that were superficially destroyed? My carpool buddies volunteered to take those.

Posted by Chris at April 27, 2004 09:53 AM

So are you trying to tell us it's your birthday or that you want cupcakes?

Posted by: Krush at April 27, 2004 10:27 AM

Ooh nothing like dog-ass flavored cupcakes to ruin your elementary reputation! But you know, those were the days.. Different now- this past year I came to school with cupcakes on my daughters birthday, and was told I could only issue store bought food to the children, as the school could not verify if parents were hygenic while cooking.. I personally think they were afraid I was going to poison the little mutants, but oh well. :)

Posted by: Koolaide at April 27, 2004 10:28 AM

I guess it depends on your school district. I made cupcakes for my son's birthday and the only thing the teacher wanted to know is if I had made extras for the staff. Which I had. My momma didn't raise no fool.

Posted by: Diana at April 27, 2004 10:37 AM

Nothing says happy bithday quite like cupcakes that smell/taste like dog-ass. =)

Posted by: Nicole at April 27, 2004 11:02 AM

I was one of the kids with a summer birthday, who were supposed to choose their six month B-day to bring them in. Only my six month B-day fell on Valentine's day , which was during winter break. So then I had to choose some random day. But I had normal flavor cupcakes, not ass flavor ones. I mean, I love cupcakes, but I'd draw the line at eating one a dog had sat on.

Posted by: Oliquig at April 27, 2004 11:02 AM

mmmmmm cupcakes :)

Ghetto Cactus!

As long as the dog didn't fart on the cupcakes, they'll be fine. My mother would say: it doesn't enter your tummy in one piece, so it doesn't mather they're crushed :)

Posted by: Sweety at April 27, 2004 11:10 AM

My sister and I were lucky that both our birthdays fell during summer/Christmas vacations, because otherwise, we would have received major beat-downs from our classmates for bringing in boxes of raisins instead of cupcakes. Thanks, mom.

Posted by: Anne at April 27, 2004 12:16 PM


Man, I want cupcakes now. Seriously. There are just some things you shouldn't say to a girl because then she'll start having all of these expectations, and that's one of them.

Posted by: Dawnie at April 27, 2004 12:54 PM

I haven't had dog-ass flavored cupcakes in years!

Posted by: keepergirl at April 27, 2004 12:55 PM

That reminds me of an excellent time in which my dog threw up carrots (don't ask how he got them) on my birthday cake when I was 7. I didn't cry because I thought it was just so funny. Gosh, do I miss that dog.

Most supreme story! It made my school day brighter!

Posted by: Maureen at April 27, 2004 01:17 PM

oh yeah- I just got into trouble for laughing at the "dog-meets-cupcakes-finds-comfortable-seating" story. It was worth it.

Posted by: Maureen at April 27, 2004 01:19 PM

oh yeah- I just got into trouble for laughing at the "dog-meets-cupcakes-finds-comfortable-seating" story. It was worth it.

Posted by: Maureen at April 27, 2004 01:19 PM

I'm traumatized at the thought of all those innocent cupcakes being smooshed in such a hideous fashion.


Posted by: Sawni at April 27, 2004 01:22 PM

Hahahahahaha! That's awesome. In the preschool I teach at we don't allow unhealthy birthday snacks. I know...we're mean.

Posted by: Ginny at April 27, 2004 02:23 PM

I made homemade cupcakes once for LilZ's class for his bday and he was embarassed b/c they were so bad. I dont bake well at all. SO he would have totally take the smushed yummy ones over my dry but pretty ones! I buy them from the bakery now (grin)

Posted by: Zoot at April 27, 2004 02:36 PM

Roxy wouldn't sit on the cupcakes...no matter how well wrapped you think they are she would undo it and eat it...or maybe also eat the wrapping. Crazy poochie.

Posted by: Amy at April 27, 2004 07:38 PM