June 14, 2004

The Truth Comes Out

Last week, I told a couple lies and asked you guys to find the truth. Jewdez proved up to the task and won! What with all the depressing stuff, I never got around to actually explaining everything. Here goes...

1. When I was two my family moved to Chile for a year.

I've never been to Chile but I hear they're famous for their beefy, beany stew and a chain of restaurants. I was born in Argentina (now famous for its horrible economy - Argentina, the worlds largest dot bomb) but, as I left when I was somewhere around six months old, I had very little time to travel around South America. Most of my jaunts were confined to the neighborhood although I once freaked my parents out by catching a cab and staying out all night clubbing.

2. I've jammed with Zakk Wylde, guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne and the Black Label Society.

This one is true. When I was in high school, I had lots of local musician friends who also ran music and record stores. Zakk was doing a guitar clinic at a local place and a couple of us hung around afterwards and jammed. The dude's good! And actually a really nice guy.

3. As a kid, Dukes of Hazzard was my favorite show. I loved the General Lee!

I know this will horrify some of you but I couldn't stand this show as a kid and can't stand it now. And I was raised in the South! Shhh...don't tell anyone or they'll revoke my Southern rights and never let me back!

4. When I was in junior high, we used to hang out at an arcade with an authentic pinball machine. I rocked.

Nope. I remember in junior high we did go to an arcade. I mean, those were big back then. There was this kick ass Star Wars game where you had to blow up the Death Star. I loved that one and I even had the high score for a while. Pinball? Never my thing. I was a big fan of Tommy by The Who though...

5. I once played drums at a live show for a side project of some of the Black Crowes guys.

This is inherently not true although there a little nugget of honesty in it. Afformentioned music place was a haven for local musician. A local guitarist was a good buddy of a few of the guys in the original Black Crowes lineup. They were there, I was there and guitars were broken out. I didn't play drums. As I recall, no one did. We were all unplugged before it was cool.

6. Before I went all wacky and vegetarian, I actually secretly liked Spam.

Meat in a can? Meat.In.A.Can? Are you kidding me? My closest run-in with actual Spam consumption was in college. A few of us got really curious about the consistency of Spam and its behavior under unusual conditions. Really it was like a science experiment. We designed a series of tests which rendered the Spam both inedible and melty. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, under the right circumstances, Spam melts. That is not - repeat not - a good quality for meat to have. Then one of our friends ate it. I don't recommend that part but he didn't die...so that's something.

7. I was the editor of my high school newspaper for three years.

The second of the two truths. I was the editor of my high school newspaper (called The Stinger) for three years. I turned it into a newsmagazine with full-page front-cover pictures and all kinds of good stuff. I've still got all the copies. Maybe I'll find them and reprint the editorials. I'm sure they're hilarous now.

8. I've gone skydiving three times and plan on going again this summer.

Hell no! I'm going to admit something to you all in plain, simple and crass terms - when it comes to heights, planes and hurling myself into the wild blue yonder I'm a complete and utter pussy. There. Are you happy? Now you know.

9. My favorite color is red.

Green, actually. Although I have nothing against red.

10. I think Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury is the greatest novel ever written.

Never read it. Even worse? I've never read anything by Faulkner. Maybe someday. I already have a gazillion books waiting to be read.

Posted by Chris at June 14, 2004 11:00 AM

I'm a veggie, my favorite color is green, BUT I've been skydiving...does that mean it's over?
As for SPAM...we did similar experiments in my high school chem class...the analysis? EWW.

Posted by: GranolaSpice at June 14, 2004 11:42 AM

There is something seriously wrong with people who enjoy jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

Posted by: LOUP at June 14, 2004 12:10 PM

Wait a sec. Your experiments rendered the SPAM inedible? Isn't that redundant?

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 14, 2004 12:40 PM

I'm terrified of heights, but I'd still like to try skydiving at least once. Face the fear and all that. I've never done drugs, my only alcohol consumption is a glass of wine like every 3 or 4 months, but I totally get off on an adrenaline rush. And, for the record, RED is my favorite color.

Posted by: HR Lady at June 14, 2004 12:50 PM

Whatever Chris - you totally ate melted spam for lunch - I know you did.

Posted by: Zoot at June 14, 2004 03:32 PM

Your not missing much in the Faulkner department. His sentences are too long.

Posted by: Sheryl at June 14, 2004 09:28 PM

DUDE! Green's my favourite colour too! And since when have drums NOT been cool???

Posted by: Maureen at June 15, 2004 11:46 AM

Hey, I'm afraid of heights as well, but I managed to go skydiving! I thought it might help my fear actually. It didn't...at all...but it's a hell of a lot of fun. Once you get past the whole thinking you're going to die part at least.

Posted by: Kerry at June 15, 2004 01:54 PM

My friend's mom tried this recipe on the back of a Spam can once way back in the early 80's when microwaves were new tech. The recipe was called "Spam Duck" and told you how to mold Spam into the shape of a duck and bake it so kids would think it looked yummy ...instead of a steaming blob of gelatanous goo. Well she decided to microwave the duck instead. I can attest to the fact that Spam does melt.

Chris, shame on you for not liking the Duke boys. I actually named a cat after the General Lee, and had my 3rd grade school picture taken in my DOH shirt...and I was raised in the North! Boy was I a nerd.

Posted by: Geezitron at June 16, 2004 04:08 PM