June 22, 2004


I realize that, if comments are any indication, my primary readership is comprised of women. Donít think I donít appreciate that. Also, could someone tell me why? Iím just curious. Anyway, this may or may not be an issue for everyone but its been bugging me for a little while.

The menís room on our floor has two stalls and two urinals. Like most stalls, Iím able to see if theyíre occupied by the presence of disembodied feet. As common sense dictates, once you find yourself a comfortable stall in which business can be conducted, there are a couple of preparatory approaches you can take. You can:

a. Allow your pants to drop to the floor, thus settling around your ankles.

b. Pull your pants down just as far as you need, allowing slack in said pants to be evenly distributed thus avoiding ďtrouser bunchage.Ē

c. Remove your pants altogether.

Frankly, Iíve never seen option c in practice and Iíd like it to stay that way. The astonishing thing to me is the frequency with which I see option a used.

Bathroom floors, whether theyíre in the Ritz or Old Salís Taco Stand and Dairy Mart, are not known for being the cleanest of surfaces. Nor are they known to always be dry. So do you really want to be mopping that stuff up with your pants? Now youíre walking around all day with bathroom all over your ass. That canít be good for anyone. That's why I'm happy to announce that I endorse option b as the official Rude Cactus Bathroom Methodology. Live it, learn it, love it.

Posted by Chris at June 22, 2004 11:02 AM

You know. Women can get it get the job done and get out without even touching a surface directly with her skin. We're magic that way. Also NOTHING TOUCHES THE FLOOR...EVER!

Posted by: Another Pam at June 22, 2004 11:17 AM

You know...I never thought of option C for myself - with kids its mandatory. I guess if my shoes were loose enough option C would be ok, but then you have that "dirty sock" scenario and then you'd have to stare at you pants hanging there.....which could block some good reading material. Yeah, you're right....B it is.

...and for the record, I'm a guy that reads your site (in case you were wondering or there was doubt). I'm betting that there are more women bloggers than men - which would account for the lopsidedness in viewrship.

Posted by: Lee at June 22, 2004 11:19 AM

Yeah - I wouldnt want clothing touching the floor, ever. Ew.

And C? Yeah - I have known guys like that in their OWN HOME, and I think thats odd, but never in public. Thats beyond odd, that is super-nasty-gross. Yep. Amen.

Posted by: Zoot at June 22, 2004 11:24 AM

I knew a guy in college who had to get naked to take a dump and then he had to shower afterwards ... needless to say he wasn't big on public bathrooms. I think they based the Finch character on him.

Posted by: LOUP at June 22, 2004 11:25 AM

Yep, I'm one of those "nothing touches the toilet OR the floor if I can help it" folks. At home, I'll actually sit on the toilet, but that's because *I* keep it clean, and I know who the other person that uses it is.

That said, I'm no fan of public toilets, and will avoid them at all costs if I can.

Posted by: Tara at June 22, 2004 11:58 AM

This post was....deep....

And option a? Ewe..yeah I don't quite get that. Lots of times in bathroom stalls there aren't any hooks to hang a purse on or whatever. SO if I'm shopping and I have lots of bags there is quite the balancing act going on in there with all my stuff to try to keep any of it from touching the floor. EWE.

Posted by: Tjej at June 22, 2004 12:09 PM

option d) NEVER use a public restroom for anything other than #1

that's what i endorse. although that doesn't work for women ... but i've heard tales of "hovering" going on over in the women's stalls anyway.

Posted by: tj at June 22, 2004 12:22 PM

Dude, option b, all the way. Public bathroom floors are gross! And you have to put your pants back on! You don't want to have questionable liquids on there. Ewwww.

Posted by: Dawnie at June 22, 2004 12:22 PM

First off, I am howling at "bathroom all over your ass." Second, option "a" is just vile. I don't even want to know if there are people out there doing that.

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 22, 2004 12:28 PM

I'm an option b man myself.

Another point with option a is the obvious underwear dilema. Do you pull them down with your pants on the floor so that everyone that walks in can see what kind of man you really are. :D

Posted by: Kevin at June 22, 2004 12:59 PM

Sounds like all of us are in agreement here. There is a woman in my building (office) who uses option A and is a loud pooper. I think she does this to scare the rest of us off. It works. And I tend to practice the 2/40 squat, two legs hovering at 40 degrees (give or take). This is why I have quads of steel :)

Posted by: Heather at June 22, 2004 02:06 PM

I endorse tj's "Option D" even though I'm a woman. It isn't the same, cause we still have to choose another option in addition to that one, but at least it takes less time and causes fewer problems.

Posted by: Laura at June 22, 2004 02:13 PM

The very, very few times I have peed outside, I have had to remove the pants entirely. I just don't... work... wasn't built... that way.

What? Stop snickering, you guys.

Posted by: Coleen at June 22, 2004 02:17 PM

B definately. Are there actually people who remove their pants totally??? Hello? I'm asuming they can get their pants of and still wearing their shoes, I mean socks touching bathroom floor ewwwwwwwwwwie!!

Posted by: Sweety at June 22, 2004 03:03 PM

I'm far too lazy to read all the comments to see if someone's already said this, so...

The reason your readership is mostly female is probably that (at least from what I've seen) a majority of bloggers are female. So just from sheer volume, you'd get more girls than guys.

Posted by: pie at June 22, 2004 03:56 PM

Gagh, hearing all these women talking about hovering is just making me angry - don't you all realize that you're just peeing all over the seat and that the next lady after you had to wipe that up? Please, please, if you have to hover, wipe up after yourself so the rest of us don't have to. It's nasty!

As for me, there's an option E) cover the freaking seat. You can be OC (the disorder, not the show) about it and carry toilet seat covers with you, or do what I do - create the TP Log Cabin! Six strips of toilet paper and you can sit with complete peace of mind. Well, seven strips if you're coming into the stall after a hoverer - the extra one's to wipe up what they left behind. (Did I mention I hate that?)

Posted by: Heather at June 22, 2004 05:02 PM

With regards to the "readership comprised of women" observation:

1) Women tend to gravitate towards men of humor, sensitivity, and intelligence.

2) There are more female bloggers than male.

3) Women need little provocation to speak.

Posted by: Anne at June 22, 2004 05:50 PM

I think women enjoy you more because you're just a regular guy and nice and don't seem to have any pretensions. Also, you're not one of the slobbering masses of men online who only talk about seeing boobs, touching boobs, needing sex, porn, etc.

I'm sickened by hoverers too. Eeeuuuuuwww. And I don't know what's worse -those who hover and don't clean it so you have to, or those who hover and do and you don't know what hidden smeared into the seat germs are really there. YUCK!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: HR Lady at June 22, 2004 06:20 PM

Okay, reading over the previous comments, and agreeing with COLEEN: I haven't actually removed my pants entirely, but...I can see if how you don't....

And then, HEATHER: yes, unfortunately, girls tend to miss the "bowl" and pee on the actual seat. Admittedly, this is gross. This is also why I look at the seat in a public bathroom before I sit down, and wipe any offending liquids away with toilet paper before I commence with my business. :)

MR. CACTUS: Yes, your primary readership is comprised of women. I wasn't going to mention this, but I distinctly remember making that comment months and months back (when I was a relatively new reader). I was looking at the comments and realized, "Hey! These are mostly chicks!" (No, not a bad thing. Just an observation.) I wrote that in a comment, and then I don't remember seeing it again. Or having it addressed. Did you delete it? Are you just now owning up to the fact that what you say resonates with COOL, GOOD-LOOKIN' females? If so, it's not a bad thing. Rock on. :)

Posted by: Zandria at June 22, 2004 10:46 PM

so the people who let thier pants fall to the floor are likey the ones who then wipe their wet (we HOPE they washed them) hands on their pants (you know they do this) and then go out to shake hands with others....*gag*

Posted by: kimberlee at June 23, 2004 10:57 AM


Posted by: Rachel in Alaska at June 23, 2004 07:07 PM

*chuckle* I was thinking a wake or visitation.... maybe someone passed on.

Posted by: Rachel in Alaska at June 23, 2004 07:08 PM

Here Here --- I go for b... but there is ONE pitfall -- I'll try to be as tactful as possible here -- IF someone dribbled down the front of the toilet - and your pants are in the official RCBM position, you WILL have bathroom all over your ass. Beware!

Posted by: Bob at June 23, 2004 09:22 PM

Women are filthy pigs in the bathroom. Yes they get "the job" done without sitting on the seat, but as the friend of a woman who cleans those stalls... "the job" ends up on the wall behind the toilet, and on the floor.
And I thought Logtar was a woman, but alas he is a man, so don't feel so bad about women being primary readers...

Posted by: Cammie at June 24, 2004 11:45 AM