July 02, 2004

Roman Candle Holiday

For those of you, dear readers, who live in the United States, I imagine you're very well aware that at the close of business today, we kick off the July 4th weekend. For those of you in far-flung corners of the world, you'll know this as the Weekend When Americans Blow Shit Up. This all came about beacuse of John Adams:

John Adams thought Americans would commemorate their Independence Day on the second of July. Future generations, he confidently predicted, would remember July 2, 1776, as "the most memorable Epocha, in the History of America" and celebrate it as their "Day of Deliverance by solemn Acts of Devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more."

Obviously John Adams didn't have a calendar handy when he made this statement but he clearly had the foresight to envision Disney's Epcot, even if he did spell it incorrectly. Quite obviously, he heartily endorsed capitalizing things and, most importantly, blowing shit up. This is a popular pastime - every year somewhere around 9,300 people get hurt blowing shit up, most right around this time of year. But other things do happen on the 4th:

Sometimes aliens come while Bill Pullman is the president. Will Smith generally saves the world and makes sure everything's a-ok. Still? Lots of shit gets blown up.

In the Pacific Northwest, many express their love of the forests on the 4th and buy their trees a beer. Arboreal alcoholism rates have tripled in the last three decades since this became common practice.

Many people dress up for the holidays and don't look at all silly. Manufacturers of holiday suspenders, hats and t-shirts go into overdrive, targeting the hillbilly market.

Little known fact: When Washington became the nation's first president, he trained his dog Skipper to play the piano. Its been a tradition among canine musical enthusiasts ever since. Advances in technology have guaranteed musicial opportunities for dogs everywhere.

Independence isn't reserved for just the politically minded. Across the nation, gay men dance confidently out of their closets and celebrate independence in hotpants.

But really, some people just enjoy blowing shit up.

Posted by Chris at July 2, 2004 08:16 AM

Sick. You are sick.

You forgot the holiday tradition of has-been slutty rap artists dancing with height-challenged former child actors, buddy. ;)

Posted by: Coleen at July 2, 2004 08:40 AM

Ohmigod, at first glance, the hotpants guy looked like my brother from afar, but it isn't. If it were, though, I would have to make fun of him for his bad taste in clothing.

Posted by: Michelle at July 2, 2004 08:48 AM

LOL :)) Have a WONDERFUL 4th of July weekend!

Posted by: Sweety at July 2, 2004 08:55 AM

hehehehe I'm actually going to be in DC again to watch people blow shit up. I've not seen the fireworks there since I was a kid.

Posted by: amber at July 2, 2004 09:22 AM

hahhaha.... that's excellent. btw, i'm going to be blowing shit up! i'll be in richmond, though, so don't fret. =) but... if you hear on the news that Richmond got blasted away on sunday... remember, you NEVER heard me say my friends and i took $300 worth of South Carolinian fireworks down there....


Posted by: Judy at July 2, 2004 10:09 AM

*cracks up at last photo*

wow...what a good way to start the day. (yeah, i know, it's 11 a.m. what about it?) hee-larious, chris.

Posted by: rachel at July 2, 2004 10:55 AM

I love to see gay men dancing like that! They look so free and don't care what others think. I love that!

Posted by: JustAgirl at July 2, 2004 11:06 AM

hee hee...have a great 4th!!!!

Posted by: laura at July 2, 2004 11:13 AM

Definitely NOTHIN like blowin things up! LOL

Posted by: Darren at July 2, 2004 11:23 AM

It should be noted, that we only buy our trees local micro-brews. And then we hug them. But only a little. :)

Posted by: GranolaSpice at July 2, 2004 12:01 PM

LOL! You forgot about eating lots of food. That is a very important expression of our independence.

Posted by: Ginny at July 2, 2004 12:43 PM

I live in the Pacific NW and I intend to find one of these bears that have been terrorising residential neighbourhoods and offer HIM a beer. Screw the trees.

Posted by: pie at July 2, 2004 01:49 PM

Happy Fourth of July weekend...be safe...but blow some shit up and we can compare notes!

Posted by: Genuine at July 2, 2004 01:50 PM

I have a boatload of fireworks and as it's my civic duty as an American I am ready to blow some shit up. Hopefully not myself or the dog, I think I'll aim for the husband.

Posted by: T at July 2, 2004 02:20 PM

The fourth of July is THIS weekend? CRAP.

Posted by: Lee at July 2, 2004 02:56 PM

Hahah you have a picture of Michelle's brother in HOT PANTS!!!

Posted by: katherine at July 2, 2004 04:39 PM

Some kids stuck firecrackers in some puppies mouths and blew them up as they were with thier mother, killing them all.

The mother was burned on her hindquarters and whiskers.

She is now at anti-cruelty but she keeps looking for her puppies. =(

Posted by: Tek at July 2, 2004 05:24 PM

My favorite part about this holiday weekend is the news on the 5th --how many people were blown up by shit while trying to blow shit up ... Uncle Chuck gives out more awards this time of year. = )

Posted by: LOUP at July 2, 2004 09:04 PM

Gosh, you know...I read that whole John Adams biography and saw nothing about blowing stuff up. Darn! I must of skipped that chapter. ;)

Posted by: Nicole at July 3, 2004 12:47 PM

It's NOT my brother, Katherine! Stop making fun of him! ;)

Posted by: Michelle at July 3, 2004 03:29 PM