July 09, 2004

Hygienist of Horror!!

A couple of weeks ago I had to go to the dentist for my six-month checkup and cleaning. Like most people, I hate the concept of dentists but I really do like mine. The hygienist? That's another story. Here's how it unfolded...her hands were in my mouth most of the time. I've provided a translation.

Hygienist: Do you floss regularly?
Me: Meh.
Translation: No. I try but I have the self-discipline of Robert Downey Jr. when faced with a mound of cocaine and a rolled-up dollar bill.

Hygienist: You really want to floss daily. And get in between those teeth. Donít be afraid to floss hard.
Me: Uh-huh.
Translation: Sweet Jesus! You just went out to lunch and ate 37 cloves of raw garlic didn't you? I can't breathe.

Hygienist: When you brush, you brush in little circles don't you? You should really be brushing straight up and down.
Me: I han hry hat.
Translation: Now you're just talking silly, oh smelly hygienist. Everyone's always told me to brush in little circles. To change the rules now would be decidedly unfair. I refuse to play your little dental mind game.

Hygienist: Brush up and down for at least two minutes. Plaque has the consistency of maple syrup. Its tough to get off your teeth.
Me: Yeah, uh-huh.
Translation: I think I'm going to pass out. Didn't you brush after lunch? Christ, your breath stinks! You look like the nice grandma type but I think you're evil.

Hygienist: Plaque's a waste product. You don't want that in your mouth do you?
Me: Huh-uh. Ope!
Translation: Scare tactics? I thought you hygienists were supposed to be nice...and hot in a cute, smocked kinda way. You're not hot at all. I want Michelle back! I don't care that she's on maternity leave. Have I mentioned that you stink?

Hygienist: Plaque's like urine!
Me: Wha? Oohh.
Translation: Fuck! Urine? One more word and I'm going to have to bite down. You're losing a finger, lady.

Hygienist: You have to get rid of urine. You have to get rid of plaque. You wouldn't want urine in your mouth.
Me: Uh, no.
Translation: You scary, scary bitch. You're the smelly dental hygienist from hell. The anti-Crest. Get your hands out of my mouth you foul beast. Out! Out I say!

Hygienist: I'm going to Italy!
Me: Wha? Huh?
Translation: That was abrupt. Are you going to spread the word about plaque and urine? What's the number for Italy, because I should definitely call and warn them. Yes, hello, Italy? There's this scary-ass hygienist coming over. She's got floss and one of those tiny mirrors and she's not afraid to use them. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Hygienist: Okay, we're almost done. Just remember about the urine in your mouth.
Me: Ew.
Translation: See, I wouldn't even consider allowing a sentence like that to come out of my mouth. Just give me a cup of water and two or three hours to rinse and spit. I feel dirty.

Posted by Chris at July 9, 2004 08:49 AM

Ugh! That conversation is totally bizarre! She sounds like she has a screw loose. Probably only talks like that when she has a captive audience.

Posted by: Amy at July 9, 2004 09:21 AM

Some people *like* uhh, urine...in their mouth.

Ewwwwwwwww, I've just grossed myself out.

Posted by: Stacey at July 9, 2004 09:25 AM

I think I will never go to the dentist again. Ok - that's a big lie. Because I go every three months because I'm vain. BUT HOLY GOD! I won't be forgetting that image anytime soon.

Posted by: Kymmie at July 9, 2004 09:54 AM

Oh. My. God. On one hand, that was too funny and I was doing the silent giggle seizure dance.

On the other... what the heck? Remember the urine in your mouth? EWWWWWW.

You definitely need to call Italy and warn them.

Posted by: Dawnie at July 9, 2004 10:35 AM

i would've gagged.

Posted by: laura at July 9, 2004 11:12 AM

The Anti-Crest? *snort*

Posted by: Buzz at July 9, 2004 11:18 AM

The *Anti-Crest*? Priceless!

Posted by: GranolaSpice at July 9, 2004 11:32 AM

OMG...I just had to cancel my cleaning appointment for Monday when I found out my regular hygienist was on leave. I was afraid they just might have someone planning on a trip to Italy filling in oh well what is wrong with another 4 weeks...lol

Posted by: Sweet N Sassy at July 9, 2004 11:50 AM


Okay. Sorry. That just sent me back to high school science class when my teacher walked in and out of nowhere, asked the class, "So, do you know turds are brown?"

The entire class pretty much stopped and stared, thinking, whaaa?

And she looks around, smiles this HUGE toothy grin and says, "Because of dead red blood cells!"

That moment has burned itself into my brain forevermore.

WHY your dental office allows the hygienists to stink is beyond me.

Posted by: Tara at July 9, 2004 12:05 PM

Man, don't you have to pass some sort of test to be a dental hygienist? Because seriously, conversation skills should be added to that test immediately. Any mention of urine WHATSOEVER and you immediately fail.

Your scary hygienist should hook up with the scary dentist I used to go to.

Posted by: Kerry at July 9, 2004 12:16 PM

Ugh! Now I'm bringing my floss and toothbrush EVERYwhere, instead of just to work. Ew ew ew.

Posted by: Del at July 9, 2004 12:23 PM

italy? that WAS random ...

anti-crest? THAT was genius.

Posted by: tj at July 9, 2004 12:56 PM

reading that made me have to contain laughter. thanks!

i thought hygenists have to wear those protective masks the entire time they are actually cleaning. or maybe that's just the dentist?

i floss every day, but if i didn't, that urine analogy would probably make me consider it. effective, yet gross.

Posted by: Kayley at July 9, 2004 01:11 PM

"You scary, scary bitch."

Funniest line all day.

Posted by: feisty girl at July 9, 2004 01:16 PM

i bet it's because she secretly likes urine in *her* mouth... EWWWW!!!

i'm glad i'm working from home today because that just made me laugh out loud!

Posted by: P at July 9, 2004 01:30 PM

LMAO! There is just nothing more I can add to that. (Oh, except that I am so stealing the phrase "Anti-Crest")

Posted by: Jenn at July 9, 2004 02:12 PM


Hygenists who talk dirty to their patients. Story at 11.

Posted by: Princess at July 9, 2004 02:14 PM

ROTFLOL! Priceless! :)) Thanks for the laugh.

Maybe eating to much garlic causes brain damage...

Posted by: Sweety at July 9, 2004 02:38 PM

omg laughing so hard I am crying... if I am not careful I will have urine on my teeth AND in my pants..

Posted by: debby at July 9, 2004 03:04 PM

THIS is why I never go to the dentist. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Posted by: Martha at July 9, 2004 03:41 PM

I mean, technically urine is sterile when it exits your body, so I've always been told. It's probably a lot cleaner than our mouths. Not to encourage mouth and urine ever being used in the same sentence ever ever ever again.

But I mean, seriously. If that hygenist is gonna try scare tactics on you, the least she can do is get her goddamn facts straight.

Posted by: briantologist at July 9, 2004 04:13 PM

Fix her up with the landscaper dude. The Anti-Crest and the Digger of the Apocalypse.

Posted by: Mindy at July 9, 2004 05:00 PM

OMG I have been trying to tell my wife ...."Honey I don't think it's like having urine in your mouth!"

Posted by: Genuine at July 9, 2004 05:30 PM

Why is there Urine in your mouth?

I would never drink Urine, because that's nasty, and smelly, because I know! I peed on my grandma by accident, and she smelled worse than she already did, and I almost died!

Urine shouldn't be in your mouth, and you shouldn't pee out the second floor window like I did. Urine should go in the toilet, or on a tree!

I use to brush my teeth hard and fast, until I almost poked my brain, so now I just do it up and down, up and down, but sometimes I break the rules and go across. I know, I'm bad.

What did she mean by Plaque has the consistency of maple syrup? Does it consist of maple syrup? I thought it was Urine.

I'm sorry your hygienist has bad breath, just be glad it wasn't my grandma, or my friend Nadia, she farts!

I hope the news spreads fast in Italy about your hygienist, maybe she drank Urine!

I know you don't know me Chris, but have a nice weekend, and don't drink pee!

Posted by: Rockchild at July 9, 2004 05:31 PM

So. I read this entry before going to work today, and on my break I had a drink of apple jiuce? Guess what I thought of? I blame my nearly spewed apple juice on you, Mr. Cactus.

Posted by: Heather at July 9, 2004 06:05 PM

My hygienst is better. She square dances and does massage therapy (fancier name, but I can't remember) - Not in the dentist's office, but that's what she talks about.

She is not a potty (urine) mouth.

Maybe you should request someone else - or hope she stays in Italy.

Posted by: cassie-b at July 9, 2004 06:09 PM

Quit it!! You are killing me slowly with laughter!!

Posted by: Hul Doula at July 9, 2004 07:19 PM

Anti-Crest!! Absolutely priceless.

Laughed so hard I cried, Laughed harder at Heather spewing pee, uh, apple juice and at Cassie-b's hygenist flossing and scrubbing in her square-dance crinolines.

Posted by: Debra at July 9, 2004 08:18 PM

I WAS going to set up my bi-annual cleaning :-) -- but think I'll wait a little longer... funny!

Posted by: Bob at July 9, 2004 09:41 PM

Wow, lots of comments on this post. I guess a lot of people don't care for urine in their mouth. Crazy people...what's up with that? Kidding, kidding. :) Do you know what "ROTFLOL" stands for on Sweety's comment? I haven't seen that one before...

Posted by: Zandria at July 9, 2004 10:05 PM

shit's brown because of dead red blood cells?

Posted by: Cammie at July 10, 2004 01:37 AM

You learn something new every day. That's not necessarily a good thing.

Hm. And I thought I was the only one who got the dental hygienist with rank breath. My favorite bit of advice? I mean, besides "remember the urine in your mouth"? "Get in between those teeth." Lady, what the hell else would I be doing with the floss?

Posted by: Fraulein N at July 12, 2004 08:02 AM