September 15, 2004

Fashion Woes

Yes, I'm a straight man and yes, I'm using the word "fashion" in the title of a post. Two separate stories over the last 24 hours have, in one way shape or form, involved fashion.

Fashion Woe Part I: Turn The Other Cheek
Yesterday I wore my standard-issue, no-client-meeting outfit to work - slacks, nice shirt and tie. Since jeans and a t-shirt are almost always preferable, I usually slip into something a bit more casual as soon as I get home. Yesterday was no different. When I got home and started changing, I was surprised to notice something on the back of my pants. For some portion of the day, unbeknownst to me, I was walking around with some bright reddish, chalk-like substance all over my right ass-cheek. Of course, me being me, I didn't worry about the future of said pants (which I actually don't like anyway). No, thoughts immediately turned to how long have I been walking around today with something on my ass? Was I walking all over the office acting all serious and shit with people laughing at me and my red ass? And what the hell is this? Looks like I wiped off a chalkboard with my butt...not that I'd know...really! It wasn't a tiny little sprinkling of stuff - it was half an ass-cheek big! People would have noticed. People would have thought, well there goes a fine upstanding citizen, conservatively dressed...but wait...whats that....what in the name of all that is good is all over his right ass-cheek? What a loser! I never trust a man with a sullied ass-cheek That's an image-ruiner there, folks.

Fashion Woe #2: Nippley
It is approximately 23 degrees below zero in my office. I shit you not. One sudden move and my nipples are going to cut holes in a perfectly nice shirt. Only fit for wear with, of course, my right ass-cheek stained pants.

Posted by Chris at September 15, 2004 05:06 PM

As long as you didn't wear overalls, you can talk fashion all you want, Chris!

(See my blog for explanation)

Posted by: Kristi at September 15, 2004 05:17 PM

You should kick all their asses for laughing and not TELLING you that you had red chalk on your ass! I HATE that!

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at September 15, 2004 05:18 PM

OMG - what in hell did you sit in/lean your ass on? Did you eat something from the ito/eeto food group and wipe your hand? Sit on a marker? Inquiring minds wanna know!!! Maybe you could try those nipple shields runners use. Seriously - wouldn't want hole-y shirts.

Posted by: Sue at September 15, 2004 05:32 PM

Yay! I made it here. Okay, so this is why it's so cool being a girl. We can form a group with our girlfriend co-workers in which we swear to check each other's butts for anything that might bring un-needed attention to our butts, like anything hanging our staining pant bottoms. With you guys...don't think the check-my-butt-ring idea will go over so well. lol. The nipple thing? I'm so with ya there buddy...

Posted by: groovebunny at September 15, 2004 05:42 PM

Alright not to brag here, but it makes me realize how lucky I am that I get to wear whatever button-down with jeans and Birkenstocks for work. Not that I don't own the nice stuff but some old family member has to die for an outfit change.

And I can't stand getting ANYTHING on my clothes albeit the front OR back. Just be glad you didn't go down for a sip at some crap water fountain that exploded water all over your crotch like me when I was out to lunch one time. Everybody thinks you peed your pants. Everybody.

Posted by: Colby at September 15, 2004 06:05 PM

I will always check the rear of my pants in the mirrors at work while I am in the bathroom because I, too, work with a bunch o' people who would never tell me I had a red butt cheek. At least you didn't blow a big hole in the seat of your pants. Things aren't always as bad as they could

Posted by: Jade at September 15, 2004 08:03 PM

I would tell anyone they had something on their pants, unless I didn't like them, then I would laugh behind their back and call them baboon ass. Sorry. You may want to listen for monkey noises when you walk by.
P.S. My workplace is always cold, it is a totally make dominated place.

Posted by: debby at September 15, 2004 08:08 PM

somebody get this dude a T-shirt! Or maybe a nice Mr. Rogers cardigan? ;)

Posted by: samantha at September 15, 2004 11:01 PM

At least your fashion woes go together, right?

I try to see the bright side!

Posted by: DeAnn at September 16, 2004 05:26 AM

LOL :) Nice to know men too have nipple issues!

Posted by: Sweety at September 16, 2004 07:50 AM

i always check my butt... i'm a compulsive butt checker. whenever i leave a restroom... i check my butt, even if it means standing on something to get high enough to see my ass. whenever i'm out with hubby... i always run ahead of him so he can check my butt. i'm totally paranoid about that stuff... maybe you're lucky and it was something you sat on in your car (which would prompt me to ask if you've checked your ass today)

Posted by: monique at September 16, 2004 08:43 AM

i meant to say that i would stand on things to get high enough to see my ass IN THE MIRROR. i thought it was obvious, but read it and thought i should add that little fact in...

Posted by: monique at September 16, 2004 08:45 AM

Hee. Leave it to you to be the only man out there worried about nips. (Unless you're all keeping it a secret.) You'll be fine. Seriously, though: what the hell got onto your pants, man? For some reason, I'm picturing an Unfrozen Caveman getting red clay on your pants without you knowing. Yeah, I don't know how that would happen either.

Posted by: Fraulein N at September 16, 2004 09:08 AM

I feel your pain, or cold, or whateve. Just be glad you're not a D-cup nipping out all over the office. People don't look you in the face.

Posted by: Kaffy at September 16, 2004 05:10 PM

I am so with Kaffy! You are lucky its just the man nips! And at least you have nips! LOL Did you ever find out what you had on your ass? I would have SO told you! Don't trust your co-workers! *grin*

Posted by: gypsy at September 18, 2004 12:42 AM

This whole thing has cracked me up no end...
First, everyone that posted said butt cheeks like it was the whole butt, but in reality it was a half-cheek. Let's keep it straight. heh. and second, you actually titled it Nippley. (gotta love that) There should be like a Nippley's Believe It or Not set of stories here. And I used to have to spend a lot of time in a computer room that was kept ice-cold. (All the operators wore wool coats all day). Trust me, my entire wardrobe from that era is now shredded wheat.

Posted by: wlfldy at September 20, 2004 09:35 AM