October 18, 2004

"Hand Wax, While You Wait"

It was somewhat ironic that I saw a sign offering "Hand Wax, While You Wait" on the way to work this morning. Not only did it turn into a dirty euphamism in my brain, but it exemplified the direction in which my day was headed.

Before I explain, I'd like to warn you - potentially disturbing content ahead. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Last month, I mentioned a certain date I'd made. Today was the magic day.

The weekend passed in doctor-ordered abstinence which was mildly frustrating. What was worse? The objective of the whole thing - to number three in a cup and the anticipation that accompanied that particular prospect. And frankly, I've been a little concerned with the little guys. Maybe they're not excited enough. Maybe they're not as fast as they could be. Maybe they're just not, well, armed for bear. So I tried positive reinforcement. I muttered encouraging thoughts towards my pelvis like "you guys are the best" and "swim like you mean it". Sure, the one time my wife walked in while I was giving one of my little pep talks was a little embarrassing but its not like that's a regular thing with me.

As the day (this day) grew ever closer, my anxiety levels increased. I think most guys would agree - this is not something easily accomplished under pressure. My this is gonna suck attitude slowly shifted to one of panic-stricken how in the hell do they expect me to just go in a little room, whip it out and do my thing holy christ I'm not going to be able to do it and I'm going to have to come out carrying my little empty cup and admit that I'm a loser who can't do the basest of all things male regardless of the circumstances. So, yeah, I was a little nervous.

At 11:00 this morning I pulled into the lab's parking lot, nervous and clammy, resolutely got out of my car and headed through the front doors. The kind receptionists and nurses handled all the paperwork and, despite the fact that I know they were pointing and laughing at me when I turned my back to them, made me feel nice and comfortable. I was then ushered through a non-descript door, marked "andrology" (much better than "guy jerking off in here") and into a dimly lit room. Like a cheap leather couch and a table lamp are going to make me forget where I am! I took off my jacket and went through the previously developed three-pronged operational briefing and tactics:

Objective One: Surveillance. Ensure the room is cleared of any hidden recording devices and, most importantly, listen to make sure no one's hovering outside. No bugs. No one hanging outside in the hallway. Check!

Objective Two: Find the Porn. Stack of magazines acquired. FHM? Are these people Amish? Esquire? Um, hello where are the boobies? Entertainment Weekly? What the fuck. Ride? People, if I wanted to read about cars I'd...uh...oh, that's not the type of riding they were talking about. Check!

Objective Three. Number Three. I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say...check!

I washed other people's porn germs off my hands and found the box labeled "put your specimine in here, perv" and dropped my little guys off for testing. I emerged from the dimly lit room, closed the door behind me and fled the scene. The whole thing wasn't nearly as horrible as I'd thought it was. But I dont want to do it again. I just hope the tests come out okay.

Posted by Chris at October 18, 2004 01:04 PM

Fingers crossed Cactus. See how sweet I am? I could totally get you real good today, but I know you are traumatized, so... I'm behaving. (Enjoy it, cause I rarely behave, my dear next-door-neighbor-in-the-gutter.)I hope nothing is particularly wrong with you or Beth.

I'm here if a sounding board for a rant is needed, cause? Been there, done ALL OF THAT.

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at October 18, 2004 02:18 PM

FHM? Jeeeeze. Do they have 9 year old boys tested in there regularly or something? Better than a Victoria's Secret catalog I guess.
But still.... This place must be run by old women...

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at October 18, 2004 02:20 PM

LOL, great post and hoping for the best for you! So what is RIDE magazine? Never heard of that one...

Posted by: JuJuBee at October 18, 2004 02:30 PM

But - you said that you were thinking of me the whole time....

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at October 18, 2004 02:36 PM

Did you have that satisfied look when you came out? Did you give the attendant a wink and a nod like you had just climbed Everest? One of those "How You Doin?" moments. That's what I did when I was done. Stupid uncomfortable moments do strange things to me.

Posted by: Strode at October 18, 2004 02:40 PM

I'm glad to see that snacks, pillows, and reinforcements were not needed.

At least there wasn't an orderly waiting outside with a high five or anything, eh?

Posted by: Dawnie at October 18, 2004 02:44 PM

Well good luck, Chris!

And yucko on touching those mags that other guys did. That's like reading a newspaper from the truckstop bathroom stall. I thought Beth was going to be the good wife and buy you some.

And here's my question: Why wasn't Beth allowed to accompany you? Moral support, y'know.

Posted by: Jon in Michigan at October 18, 2004 02:58 PM

Oh my! What a traumatic morning for you! I hope the tests come out fine! I can't even imagine what one should eat the night before to give the boys an added boost to aid in their swimming abilities. Wheaties? A huge tub of B&J? So fingers crossed for you both. :)

Posted by: charm at October 18, 2004 03:03 PM

My fingers are totally crossed. It sure doesn't sound like a fun "date" but I'm sure you made the most of it! ;)

Posted by: Kimmer at October 18, 2004 03:16 PM

Did you promise to respect yourself later?

I always came out asking the nurse for a cigarette. They usually are not amused, being health care professionals, and were usually down to their last one so they wouldn't share. "Besides," they'd say "I know where your hands have been."

And sometimes? Sometimes I'd use the other hand, just to make is special.

TMI? Yeah, thought so.

(FHM? Gah!)

Posted by: ben at October 18, 2004 03:20 PM

Oh and the whole "three days of abstinance" thing? That ain't nothing. I'm going on three months at a time now that we actually have curtain-climbers around. Yeah, three days is a walk in the park.

Not to scare you, cuz based on my informal internet bloggers poll lots of people get more action than I do (but I'm apparently blessed compared to another blogger, but I won't name names)

Posted by: ben at October 18, 2004 03:22 PM

Of course it would have been much better had they told you that that room was just for the urine sample!

Posted by: Jeff A at October 18, 2004 03:27 PM

I will keep my fingers crosses, toes crossed, eyes crossed, you get the picture my friend. Hoping the tests come back okie-dokie. As those little guys swim for the gold, is that the Olympic song I hear in the backround?

Posted by: debby at October 18, 2004 05:00 PM

Geez. I have a hard enough time trying to leave a urine sample let alone what you had to do. But if the nurse looked like that one gal on Blink 182's "Enima of the State" CD, I'd ask if I could make another appointment for fun. Whoa did I just say that?

Posted by: Colby at October 18, 2004 05:16 PM

Okay, so apparently I'm an idiot because until just 20 seconds ago, I didn't have any idea what FHM was.

Glad everything went well for you. Oh, and I heard that Nair removes the hair from your palms really well. ;)

Posted by: doulazanie at October 18, 2004 05:52 PM

I am pullin' for ya.
After all of that, you certainly deserve to get back good results!

Posted by: Jade at October 18, 2004 05:57 PM

Has to be the funniest thing I have read in a long time - good stuff Chris

Posted by: Lee at October 18, 2004 06:33 PM

everything's crossed! may there be a beautiful bouncinc cactus on your doorstep soon. you should name him marlon. for real, yo.

Posted by: Granola Spice at October 18, 2004 06:51 PM

That reminds me of "Wax on, wax off." Thanks. Now I am forced to go see the Karate Kid.

Posted by: Maureen at October 18, 2004 07:14 PM

Phew..it takes a brave man to go through that whole process. Good luck!

Posted by: Nicole at October 18, 2004 08:46 PM

Oh boy. At least you had an . . . experience. I was going to say pleasant, but that might be overshooting it a little. = Good luck buddy!

Posted by: Jennie at October 18, 2004 09:14 PM

I hope it all turns out OK, too.

And, you know, you should have gone in for the free hand waxing. After all, your hand had things to do. It deserved waxing -- whatever that is.

Posted by: DeAnn at October 18, 2004 11:34 PM

I'd say I'm pullin' for you, too, but I got nothing to pull. So how about "Good luck" instead!?!?

Posted by: Broad at October 19, 2004 02:13 AM

At least we get to laugh at your pain ;) Way to take one for the blog.

Posted by: HG at October 19, 2004 08:51 AM

WTG! Glad to see you had things..um..er..well in hand... (I could not help that!)

Posted by: Sue at October 19, 2004 09:02 AM

Ewww, porn germs. And um, Esquire? The hell? But good luck, man!

Posted by: Fraulein N at October 19, 2004 09:51 AM

I'd say that "I'm pulling for you" but enough pulling's been done already.

"I'm rooting for you" just sounds bad.

Good luck.

PS: FHM? *snicker*

Posted by: Marie at October 19, 2004 11:09 AM

I like how you made it sound like a military operation, all "forward to the breach!" and "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." Good luck to you and the Mrs, and I hope you get some positive news very soon.

Posted by: supine at October 19, 2004 11:56 AM

ya know... i went to donate plasma one time, and they didn't have a single magazine laying around....anywhere... so i was like, "forget this", and got out of there! what a ripoff!

Posted by: Jim Beam at October 19, 2004 12:34 PM

I'm wishing the best of luck for you and Beth on this. I think you two would be fantastic parents! I'd count any kid very lucky to be raised by two such remarkable people.

Here's hoping!

Posted by: Sabine at October 19, 2004 12:36 PM

The last episode of "Coupling" from season three has your observations in it. You and Beth should watch it. It helped The Boy and I a lot with the nastiness of the process. Though obviously we're not looking for kids right now.

Posted by: alektra at October 19, 2004 05:58 PM

Oh my god, too hilarious!!! My favorite lines: "Um, hello where are the boobies?" and "put your specimine in here, perv." Classic!!! :)

Posted by: Zandria at October 20, 2004 06:46 AM


Awww, I hope it turns out okay! You're in my prayers OR I'm crossing fingers for you; you choose :))

Posted by: Sweety at October 22, 2004 03:20 PM

From Woody Allen:

"What I like best about (m-word) is the cuddle time afterwards."

Sorry. Had to.

Posted by: Shiz at October 22, 2004 05:32 PM