November 17, 2004

I'm A Sex Machine...No, Really

We need to have the sex talk. Yeah, you and me. Its about time, dontcha think?

You see, my wife and I are trying to achieve knockedupitude, preggers, and, if we're lucky, we will also be with child. We're both reasonably bright people so, after a great amount of thought and some careful planning, we figured the best way to go about making this whole thing happen was to have sex. We did some of that...then did it some more and, for good measure, threw in a little extra added bonus sex. But, as you know from past posts, that hasn't so much worked. Doctors were called, dye was injected into places no dye should ever be injected, sterile plastic cups and bad porn got involved and much testing was done. The results were promising. Beth's healthy and I'm not shooting blanks spermifically challenged. Still? Nothing. No bun in the oven and the rabbit's still chomping carrots in its hutch. So the doctor gave us a simple prescription - have sex every other day.

So I'm a sex machine. (And before I go on, can I just ask where this supposed doctor was when I was 15? Give a kid a break!)

I don't want anyone to think I'm bitching about sex. Don't break out the world's tiniest violins and play a sonata for me. I have, however, discovered that where sex is involved there is a certain advantage to being a woman. Women can just lie there while men have to be, well, motivated. ATTENTION! All members must report for duty and rise to the occasion, wink wink nudge nudge. Frankly such performance on command can be a little intimidating. And awkward. Yes, sex can be awkward with someone you've been with for 12 years, someone to whom you've been married for five years. Don't doubt me. It can be less than romantic at times.

We're silly too. That doesn't help. Like the other night when I did my armadillo impression (don't think too hard, people. You'll hurt yourselves and never visit my site again. While it involved little clothing, it was mostly innocent. I wasn't trying to add a page to the Kama Sutra or anything). And then there was the evening after a long, difficult day in which I'd clearly worked too much and somehow summarized sex into a standard project management work breakdown structure:

1 Do it (s: 9:57 PM e: 10:34 PM)
1.1 Foreplay (s: 9:57 PM e: 10:09 PM)
1.1.1 Kiss wife (s: 9:57 PM e: 10:01 PM)
1.1.2 Get nekkid (s: 10:02 PM e: 10:03 PM)
1.1.3 Kiss wife more (s: 10:04 PM e: 10:07 PM)

You get the picture. In my own defense, I didn't break out the dry erase markers and plot it out on a Gantt Chart. Even though she was overheard whispering the words "talk consultant to me."

But even with all this planning, the adherence to strict time lines and the self-consciousness and lack of romance that accompanies any undertaking such as this, its still sex. And its with the woman I love. And its for a very good cause. Until then? Nose, or something, to the grindstone.

Posted by Chris at November 17, 2004 07:26 AM

I (or should I say my husband does?) feel your pain. Somehow when you're ordered to do it, it loses all of its allure. It would be just as bad if your doctor ordered you to eat ice cream every day. "Oh, man, you mean I have to scoop it again? But it's *frozen*!!"

Posted by: Miss W at November 17, 2004 07:45 AM

I just put down Traci Lords biography and thought I would check out my daily reads ... and here you are going on about sex-work-planning. Try humming the porn *wackah neeownnow* guitar music instead of thinking of charts and such.

Posted by: LOUP at November 17, 2004 07:46 AM

It took a girlfriend of mine 3 years to get pregnant...all tests came back fine and the dr. eventually pegged it down to the fact that she'd been on the pill for so long, then again I was a faithful pill taker when I became pregnant for my first, and third - lol. Best of luck to you the mean can borrow my ADHD/ODD 7 year old daughter for a spell if you'd like =]

Posted by: kimberlee at November 17, 2004 07:56 AM

I am so glad I read that at home before going into the office. I fell on the bed laughing... Only you Chris could write that post so damn well.

Posted by: goodsnake at November 17, 2004 08:05 AM

I resent the implication that I "just lie there." In fact, I resent it so much that I plan to withold sex. Well, at least until the next scheduled sex interlude, which according to my calendar appears to be about 12 hours away. So, no sex for you for 12 hours. Take that!

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at November 17, 2004 08:10 AM

So what are you wasting time writing such a longa** post for??? Back to it!
Just kidding, it will happen when the time is right, how cliche' of me, but it is the truth. In the meantime, just figure, with all this practice, you are probably getting really good at it.

Posted by: debby at November 17, 2004 08:11 AM

HAHAHAHA!!! armadillo impression??? I just snorted milk!!!!

Posted by: csm at November 17, 2004 08:22 AM

I would take you to task for the whole "women lie there" comment, but I can see the Mrs. has beat me to it. Good one, Beth.

Posted by: Fraulein N at November 17, 2004 08:34 AM

but wait, when do the birds and bees get involved? when someone last broached this subject with me i was told birds and bees had something to do with this. needless to say i was more than a bit confused. after reading the first line of this entry, i sort of hoped you would clear things up for me. Charts optional...

Posted by: patricia at November 17, 2004 08:45 AM

Don't complain too much :)
Good luck and the armadillo impression reference is just way too funny.

Posted by: Lee at November 17, 2004 08:56 AM

You guys rock. Thanks, Chris, for a hilarious post. I'm hoping that all The Sex works out for you two. Then we can scour the Internet for onesies emblazoned with cactuses and fish.

Posted by: lady jane at November 17, 2004 09:03 AM

sorry, I meant cacti. Not enough coffee in this woman's system!

Posted by: lady jane at November 17, 2004 09:03 AM

It's amazing how something so fun, such as sex, can be turned into an almost chore when it's prescribed to you. This is why I think all Dr.'s are evil.

But keep up the armadillo impressions. That should keep the bedroom pretty lively...

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at November 17, 2004 09:08 AM

My fingers are crossed for you two. Just don't email her an agenda prior...then you've gone too far. ;)

Posted by: judy at November 17, 2004 09:19 AM

I agree with long as the agenda never actually makes it to paper it's okay. My hubby feels your pain (okay, it's not really pain now is it?)

Posted by: Kimmer at November 17, 2004 09:45 AM

I can't even give a suggestion on how to make the sex fruiti-able now that I can't shake armadillo's having sex out of my mind. lol

Posted by: groovebunny at November 17, 2004 09:58 AM

In my experience, pregnancy happens when you're not trying to make it happen. I tried for 2 years. Then? It happened when I quit trying and dr's told me I couldn't have them. Now? BOOM! He's 5 years old!

Posted by: Other Beth at November 17, 2004 10:03 AM

At least you haven't put the armadillo impression in the project management agenda, so there may be hope.

Posted by: Norman at November 17, 2004 10:06 AM

I'll never be able to look at another armadillo the same way again. Thanks, Chris :/

Posted by: Kristi at November 17, 2004 10:19 AM

Okay, I know I'm new here and I'm probably not helping, but do you know what seriously does help? Not trying to make a baby. I'm serious. Enjoy each other, have sex when you feel like it, and don't think about making a baby. I think it truly has to do with a woman's body...but for some reason, that works! TRUST ME!

Posted by: Randi at November 17, 2004 10:25 AM

So there is no stork but there is an armadillo? I am so confused.

Posted by: Dabney at November 17, 2004 10:39 AM

Now is this all limited to strictly the MD prescribed positions for maximum effectiveness, or is there a range of options in this plan? I mean, that could get a bit tiresome. Maybe you can get a gameboy or something.

Posted by: Jon in Michigan at November 17, 2004 11:06 AM

I have been bugging your wife to get the name of the doc so I can get this prescription.

Ours chart is more like

"Does the month end in 'Y'?"
"Think about having sex."
"If the kids are asleep"
"and the moon is full"
"and we don't have to work in the morning"

Posted by: ben at November 17, 2004 11:07 AM

ok - a few years ago a friend of mine brought me a stuffed armadillo toy from Texas that I keep on my dresser. It may now have to be moved... *snort*

Posted by: Sue at November 17, 2004 11:08 AM

I have a suggestion. I think, no I know it will work. Go over your finances, go through some child rearing books, consider all the ramifications of having a child and living with it for the next 18 years. There now that you really don't want one, go have sex! Works every time!

Posted by: Jeff A at November 17, 2004 11:16 AM

I'll chime in and second what Randi and Beth had to say. Both of my daughters were promptly conceived once it was decided that perhaps we should put off trying to have a baby until "later". Uh, later the first time around turned out to be within two months after I made the decision to return to college and the second time around, I accepted a management position that I otherwise would not have if we were still committed to getting pregnant. Oh, wait, this wasn't supposed to be all about me, was it?

I hated it when we were trying and people told us to just relax, but seriously, relax! You guys are still so young and have lots and lots of time. Remember, half the fun is getting there! Still, I'll keep all my bendy parts crossed for you guys cuz I for one can't wait to see the beautiful baby you two will make.

Posted by: lu at November 17, 2004 11:24 AM

All three of mine are the product of drunken whoopie after a hot date night. At least, the first two are. We can't remember the third 'event' so we must have been REALLY hammered. In conclusion, I suggest more alcohol.

Posted by: Jenny at November 17, 2004 11:51 AM

I'm telling you, that every other day thing works. That's how I ended up with Simon and Donovan, both on the first month that we were trying. But the scheduled procreating sex can be a little less than mind-blowing sometimes.

Me: Honey, we have to go do it.
Him: But I'm tired. I don't really feel like doing it.
Me: Well, I don't feel like it either. But we have to. It'll only take a minute.

Posted by: Martha at November 17, 2004 11:54 AM

keeping my fingers crossed that yall get the bun in the oven :) have a great day :)

Posted by: Rosie at November 17, 2004 12:04 PM

Still sending preggo vibes to you two.

BTW, glad you didn't elaborate the armadillo thing...I don't think my monitor can take any more liquid substances being hurled at it.

Your blog + drinks = many trips to the tech repair shop and me having to explain why soda shot out of my mouth and all over my monitor.

Have a great day (and every other day )

Posted by: Desiree' at November 17, 2004 12:17 PM

Hee hee. Nekkid. That's the way it _should_ be spelled.

Now I want to do a Google search for "naked armadillos" or "nekkid armadillos." I hope it doesn't turn up anything my delicate self can't handle!

Posted by: Rachael at November 17, 2004 12:37 PM

What a prescription.

Does he collect the co-pay on that one, or do you and Beth just exchange the 15.00 for filling each other's prescriptions?

I'm hoping that things work out for you and Mrs Cactus soon.


(thinking she's in the wrong business....I tell people to go get f****d all the time, but they don't pay me for it!)

Posted by: kellie at November 17, 2004 12:40 PM

Must. Not. Google. Armadillo. *sigh* I give myself five minutes. I won't be able to help it.

But that still longer than you'll get to spend executing The Sex if Beth still doesn't forgive the "lying there" comment.

Posted by: Mindy at November 17, 2004 12:51 PM

well back in high school.. what never seemed to fail was the back seat of an beater and the "pull out method".
good luck to you both!

Posted by: andrea at November 17, 2004 01:03 PM

far too many bad jokes about prickly cacti popped into my head while reading this.

you could always pretend you just bought a house...lots of christening to be done!

crossing stuff for ya!

Posted by: Granola Spice at November 17, 2004 07:30 PM

I didn't read all the comments so someone might have already suggested this: Get drunk and get it on in the backseat of your car. Isn't that how all the teens get pregnant?

Posted by: jessica at November 17, 2004 08:42 PM

I was attacked by a picture of the Friends episode in which Ross dresses up as the holiday armadillo.

Posted by: Heather at November 17, 2004 09:48 PM

Armadillo . . . I won't even ask. Good luck with that. =P

Posted by: Jennie at November 18, 2004 04:32 AM

Having lots of sex isn't all fun and games for us women, you know, even if we are "just lying there." Three words: Urinary Tract Infection. Yowch! One benefit to being a guy.

Also, good luck with all the sexin -- I hope you get your knockedupitude very soon!

Posted by: supine at November 18, 2004 10:05 AM

Hee. I can't seem to get the armadillo impression scenario out of my mind. The boyfriend has, on occasion, whipped out the miniature dinosaur impression (don't ask why it's a MINIATURE dinosaur. That was never explained to me). Funny post, as usual.

Posted by: Heather at November 18, 2004 11:57 AM


Posted by: Maureen at November 19, 2004 09:15 AM

Been there Chris. Know how you feel. If you are lucky, your Doc will never tell you what he told us.....

"Well, I gave you a trigger shot now, so, you need to 'have fun' at 4am."

Yes, he meant WAKE THE HELL UP AT 4AM and DO IT. I like to call it "sleep Fu*king".

Thank you. *takes bow* I will pray you never hear those words uttered in your presence.

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at November 19, 2004 05:55 PM

There was a couple here in MN who was having the same problem so they got this alarm device from her OB/GYN that went off during her peak fertility period. It just so happened to go off while the couple was watching the Incredibles in the theater with their children... after fumbling around her purse to shut off the ring, they meandered into the men's restroom of the theater and wham bam thank you ma'am.... a couple weeks later, yeppers, she had a bun in the oven... long story short... try it in an exotic place... back seat, theater, park...

Posted by: Ryan at November 20, 2004 12:36 AM

You pretended to be a what ???? No wonder Beth just lay there, she was thinking WTF?

You animal you. *giggles*

Good luck to the both of you! And most important: have fun ;)

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