December 08, 2004

Simple Steps To Avoiding Kitchen Injury

They say, well at least I say, that most accidents happen in the home. Most of those probably happen in the kitchen. Here are some simple, highly theoretical injury-avoidance techniques for use in the kitchen.

Step One: Do not, under any circumstances, put an oven mitt on your head.

Step Two: Should you find yourself with an oven mitt on your head, do not attempt to launch it across the room at your wife.

Step Three: Should steps one and two prove impossible to prevent, stand well away from kitchen drawers and cabinets.

Step Four: If karma finally catches up with you and you find yourself in such a quandary, don't wear baggy clothing. This includes untucked shirts or pants with pockets.

If, again theoretically, you're unable to stop the momentum of these four admittedly bizarre things from unfolding, be aware of what might happen. Hypothetically, one's untucked shirt and/or pants may become entangled on the drawer/cabinet handles. This will result in a near gravity-defying combination of things. There may be, for instance, immediate drawer/cabinet openage. In addition, the occupant of aforementioned clothing may find him or herself hanging from kitchen cabinetry. This, for the record, will prove at once loud, confusing and quite painful. There could exist significant damage to one's person and cabinet hardware.

As my wife said, "you should know not to play in the kitchen. Someone always gets hurt. And that someone's you." She was, of course, speaking hypothetically.

Posted by Chris at December 8, 2004 07:30 PM

And I am only hypothetically laughing at you. ;-)

Posted by: Lachlan at December 8, 2004 07:38 PM

I'm feeling awfully guilty about this, being the inventor of the hypothetical "put an oven mitt on your head and throw it" game. But it was hypothetically hysterical to watch.

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at December 8, 2004 07:45 PM

*giggles to self*

Posted by: tiffanie at December 8, 2004 08:45 PM

woo. that's hypothetically funny.
my sides are hypothetially hurting because i can hypothetically see those events unfold.

Posted by: Manda at December 8, 2004 09:28 PM

You sound like a riot to be around! I'm sure your wife might think differently though. I know - because my husband is a total spaz too.

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at December 8, 2004 09:29 PM

I can only hope there were pictures?

Posted by: Sue at December 8, 2004 09:44 PM

ROFLMAO!!! That was a hypothetical laugh, but seriously, THAT....was too funny!!!

Posted by: Nina at December 8, 2004 09:48 PM

Haha! I don't know why but reading that whole scenario reminds me of Charlie Chaplin. Must go watch Chaplin dvd's tonight. :)

Posted by: groovebunny at December 8, 2004 10:09 PM

Love ya even more when you're clumsy, Chris. Because that totally sounds like something I would do.

Posted by: Heather at December 8, 2004 10:31 PM

Ok, what is this thing you have about putting things that don't belong on your head on your head? You gotta fetish or something?

Posted by: Broad at December 8, 2004 10:43 PM

I'm laughing WITH you, not AT you. I can't laugh at you, that would make me the Pot and you the Kettle. Hi Kettle? this is Pot, you're Black. hee hee

Cut my index finger off at the middle joint with a freaking regular silverware knife. 1992. Its reattached and fully functional. But this is the first of many kitchen injuries...

Posted by: amy at December 9, 2004 01:44 AM

I swear, the pictures you paint with words are as priceless as your photographs. I shared this with my visiting mother, and she's still laughing.

Posted by: etherian at December 9, 2004 03:06 AM

How does one even get an oven mitt on their head...hypothetically???

Posted by: Swt GA HunnyB at December 9, 2004 08:52 AM

Its never fun until someone loses an eye. Or something like that.

Posted by: Jon in Michigan at December 9, 2004 08:53 AM

When I stop laughing I may be able to comment!

LOL must have a VERY small head or an extremely LARGE oven mit! I can't ... stop ... laughing! I can picture you hanging from the drawer very confused!

You are a goof ball! And I love you! Mrs. Cactus, smart woman coming up with THAT game! I hope you got photos! Post them on YOUR site!

Posted by: Gypsy at December 9, 2004 10:23 AM

Laughing AT YOU! You have talents!

Posted by: Jazzy at December 9, 2004 12:17 PM

excellent. one can never have enough kitchen safety tips. this ranks right up there with "never attempt to identify boiled chicken parts"

Posted by: sawni at December 9, 2004 01:06 PM

I can only hope that there is video of the blessed hypothetical event.

Posted by: Joe at December 9, 2004 09:38 PM

Hahahhaha! You crazy man! :))

Posted by: Sweety at December 11, 2004 05:20 AM