December 15, 2004

Letters From The Edge: RollNite

RollNite Lighter People
Address Unknown. Probably China

Dear RollNite Lighter People:

Excuse me for getting fired up evil bastards!

This morning on the way to work, I found myself without a functioning lighter. So, I pulled into my local gas station, marched myself up to the counter and plucked a nice purple lighter (my wife's favorite color) from the lovely, colorful display of flammable goodness. $1.35 later, I got back in my car and headed up the long road to work.

It was only when I actually needed the lighter a few minutes later that I ran into problems. You see, the little wheel thingy that turns and causes all the mad sparking action thus igniting the gas...well, it was perfectly smooth. The side effect of this is that my thumb was able to gain no traction whatsoever. So? No sparks! And after trying it several dozen times, I was left with only a very sore thumb. I used one of the last matches I own instead.

Imagine my surprise when I got into work this morning and discovered that the Canadians have confiscated all your lighters for safety reasons. Americans, well, with all the gunplay on the streets, I guess authorities here figure rogue lighters are the least of our problems. And, admittedly if we're lighting up a cigarette we're sort of taking our lives in our own hands anyway. But its the last line of some of the consumer notices that's getting me. "Its still not known who is importing them."

So, who are you RollNite people? Are you, perhaps, a company wholly owned by household pets united under the banner of "if we don't have thumbs, yours might as well hurt like a bitch?" Or are you funded by the anti-tobacco people, trying to flood the market with unusable lighters? I'll tell you right now, smokers are determined people. We'll rub two sticks together for five hours if it means getting a nicotine fix. The most desperate smoker will wait outside in a thunderstorm, protecting his cigarette from the rain in the hopes that he gets struck by lightning and is left with just enough life to enjoy a drag or two. Or are you aliens? Maybe the whole transport-humans-to-the-mothership experiments are over and now you're trying to test our problem solving skills?

No matter who (or what) you are, you have $1.35 of my hard earned cash and I'm not happy about that. I mean, really, the $1.35 isn't going to make or break me. But think about all the crackheads out there who might not be so quick to part with that kind of money. Think about the 15 year olds setting off M80s in high school bathrooms. Think about the petty arsonists just trying to get their pyromaniacal fix and, possibly, cash in on an insurance policy. Think about the little people.

Posted by Chris at December 15, 2004 07:36 AM

Um... Don't you have a ciggie lighter in you car?

Posted by: Amber at December 15, 2004 07:57 AM

Hmmm... Sounds like a plot to disable the strongest economy in the US.

The poor tobacco farmers!

Posted by: alektra at December 15, 2004 08:20 AM

I would say it was divine intervention hurrying you to quitting smoking. But then I'm a pesky NON-smoker.

Posted by: HR Lady at December 15, 2004 08:21 AM

Uh -- did you forget to stop at Starbucks on your way?

Posted by: Bob at December 15, 2004 08:22 AM

Gosh. You must be so upset that you are just going to have to quit smoking. You know, I bet I could get the entire internets to nag you about quitting smoking. I think that would be fun, don't you?

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at December 15, 2004 08:52 AM

I'm happy that I don't smoke, because I don't wants to die from lightning, I wants to live!

Maybe you should try to quit smoking anyways, Chris, because not only will you save from not buying cigarettes, or lighters, but you wont have to buy gum for your breath!

Have a nice day, ok!

Posted by: Rockchild at December 15, 2004 08:53 AM

Maybe it's sign that you should quit smoking. ::completely unsolicited from Mrs Cactus::

Hrm come to think of it, Mrs Cactus, I could nag your hubby about quitting smoking and you could nag mine. It could work!!!

Posted by: Lauren at December 15, 2004 09:14 AM


Posted by: Nina at December 15, 2004 10:30 AM

What Amber said. And what Mrs. Cactus said. hehe Just as long as no one starts messing with the donut and coffee supply, I'm okay with any other conspiracies that may be going on. lol

Posted by: groovebunny at December 15, 2004 10:46 AM

I'm going to have to agree with everyone here - it's a sign that you need to quit smoking! I quit, and it's the best thing I've ever done. I don't smell anymore and my lungs love me again. If you need other incentives, google a pic of a smoker's lungs. Yeesh.

Posted by: Kitty at December 15, 2004 11:00 AM

Up here in North Dakota (the bowels of the United States) you will see the shaky frozen cigarette smokers standing outside on days when it is -40 degrees. Cigarette smokers sure are a determined bunch! If people didn't smoke (and I don't), then what about those manufacturers that make those gloves where the tops pull back so just your fingers are exposed? We don't want those hard working folks to go out of business do we? Like Chris said, think of the little people...

Posted by: tonya at December 15, 2004 12:35 PM

I'm on a big kick to live and let live...and its not hard for most people to do that. (and THANK YOU for all of your support...really!)

Posted by: Lily at December 15, 2004 12:53 PM

I wonder if RollNite is a Kraft company. = )

Posted by: LOUP at December 15, 2004 01:23 PM

My mama always told me that quitters never win and winners never quit.

Posted by: supine at December 15, 2004 01:39 PM

This is something you might find interesting. As a fellow smoker, I feel your pain. And being the search engine that I am, I set out to find RollNite.

The only thing I found was this article which says "Health Canada is warning consumers against certain cigarette and utility lighters because they can cause fires and injuries." One of these being your RollNite. Perhaps you should forget about the $1.35 and invest in a zippo. ;)

Posted by: Bayou at December 15, 2004 07:13 PM

Hey, I'm taking this whole thing as a sign that I need a cigarette break. My motto: It ain't fun unless it'll kill ya!

Posted by: jessica at December 15, 2004 10:24 PM

I feel your pain, Chris!! People look at me like I'm a freak for smoking outside when it's 0 degrees. Don't they get it? I'm fucking ADDICTED. It's not like I go out there to freeze my ass off for shits and giggles.

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at December 16, 2004 12:32 AM

I think this was your message from God to stop smoking. And no, I actually thought of that before I read Mrs. Cactus' entry.

Posted by: Kelley at December 16, 2004 01:36 PM