February 21, 2005

Jerry Springer: The Home Game

We live in what I'd consider a nice, middle-class neighborhood. Stay at home moms, white collar desk jockeys and blue collar laborers all get along just fine. The neighborhood itself is an oasis of modesty surrounded by a sea of over-priced and badly built million-dollar tract mansions. It is, therefore, one of the last bastions of potential white-trashery in the area. Really. I speak from experience.

Transportation. The modes of transportation are varied and ever-changing. From a recent cherry red BWM (that my wife informs me was towed away this morning) to a church van, nearly all makes and models have been represented during the last two years. The one constant, however, is the big-ass extended cab pickup with the chrome spoiler on top. Nothing says "cool" like a pickup with a spoiler on top. Nothing. Trust me - I checked with the Federal Department of Cool Stuff (FDCS) and they confirmed it.

Fire In The Hole. Kitchen accidents happen. Occasionally, something just gets out of hand and a kitchen goes up in flame. It can happen to anyone (you can thank me later for the shout-out, RSM). But twice? In a year? These fine people have burned their kitchen down twice. Actually, we met them for the first time as we were standing out in front of their house watching a team of firemen enter.

Putting the "Trash" In "White Trash". Mondays and Thursdays are trash days in our neighborhood. Respectable folks, such as myself, take their trashcans out to the curb the night before. WT Family? They just pitch theirs out along the sidewalk...in bags if we're lucky but usually we're not. And we're not just talking trash here...we're talking furniture as well. Want a thoroughly trashed sectional or a battered recliner? Its as if the stuff that gets sucked up from trailer parks in tornados magically gets spit out of some bizarre wormhole, then end of which is right there in my neighborhood.

Communication. Communication is an important part of any family. After all, its what makes the whole thing work. Kinda. This weekend, all the neighbors were given a sneak peek into this family dynamic. You see, Dad arrived home and saw something in the vicinity of their pile o' trash. It was a long rod of some sort. He bent over to pick it up and marched back to the house with a disgruntled look on his face. He was immediately confronted by his wife and one of their daughters. "Don't throw this away! And don't fuck with my cars!" he bellowed. And never a more polite request was heard in the land! "I'll fuck with your car any motherfucking time I want you motherfucker!" came the wife's reply. "You stupid bitch. I'll fucking sue your ass!" he retorted. Oh the wit! Then she found rocks from the garden...and began throwing them at the car all the while repeating the chant "Sue me motherfucker! Sue me motherfucker!" Meanwhile, the daughter who is around ten years old, made a heartbreaking appearance in an attempt to interject some much-needed childhood wisdom. "Why don't you two stop yelling at each other and start making things right?" she asked. Obviously, this caused Dad to evaluate the situation carefully. He got into his pickup, started the engine and backed up about fifty feet. Then he slammed on the gas and aimed straight for Mom. He stopped about five feet shy of hitting her. To her credit, she stood her ground. Of course, she was screaming "Hit me you stupid motherfucker!" the entire time. He popped it into reverse and dissappeared.

The good news? Well, we think they're all home and no one's dead yet. At least, we don't think so.

Posted by Chris at February 21, 2005 09:33 AM

our neighborhood is pretty similar except that we don't have WT neighbors, we have college kid neighbors. because we're right across the street from mason.

my favorite vehicle is the little suzuki suv with a giant red bull can on the back and the whole thing is painted to advertise red bull. professionally. like they won the car or something. i'll have to take a pic and post it sometime.

damn rising housing prices ...

Posted by: tj at February 21, 2005 10:11 AM

Damn. That poor little girl.

Posted by: QC at February 21, 2005 10:17 AM

So nice to see parents setting a mature and healthy example for their child.

Posted by: Sheryl at February 21, 2005 10:20 AM

It's hysterical that you remember me burning down my kitchen. And it's scary that I can understand doing it twice in a year.
Your neighborhood sounds a lot like mine but lucky you gets to live outside of a Philadelphia zip code. I'm jealous.

And thanks ;)

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at February 21, 2005 11:04 AM

Nope haven't burned my kitchen down yet *knock on wood*. While my grandma was alive she burned her kitchen down enough to keep the burning kitchen curse off her grandkids for a lifetime. lol As for trash, luckily we have laws out here in terms of what you can put out for trash. Old funiture have to be brought out to the dump. And garbage have to be wrapped in bags and trash company provided recepticle. In the two years I've been here, I've only once heard neighbors yelling at one another. But it was the passionate classical piano guy and his wife...so that was understandable. You know how musicians are. ;) Plus he did good and wrote his wife a beautiful classical piece afterward and we had the pleasure of hearing it played to her for a full week at dusk.

Posted by: groovebunny at February 21, 2005 11:14 AM

Wow. I think I just relived a portion of my childhood. No, it wasn't my family that was like that, but, the entire neighborhood around me. My mother, transplanted from Denver, CO. with two small kids, dropped off in the desert then abandoned, couldn't afford much in the way of housing in safe and decent areas for quite some time. That sort of yelling and what not would start up somewhere, and my brother and I would find ourselves hiding under the kitchen table (mom was working) in hopes they wouldn't ever know we were there and the yelling would go away.
It's a shame to me that there isn't something to be done to help the kids.

Posted by: Jade at February 21, 2005 11:25 AM

Oh my... I can't decide which is worse... the garbage on the street... or the screaming of 'motherfucker'...

Jeez. Remind me to tell you about my neighbor Ms. Lee sometime. Not as entertaining as that... but entertaining just the same.

Posted by: Snidget at February 21, 2005 11:26 AM

Wow! I thought our WT neighbors were bad with their aluminum foil and pillow case window treatments......

Posted by: donna at February 21, 2005 11:52 AM

I will probably spend the rest of my aftrnoon trying to guess which neighborhood you live in. There are quite a few possibilities, especially as you travel further north on 270. And I'm just limiting myself to Montgomery County!

Posted by: Mirella at February 21, 2005 12:05 PM

you have a contact at the FDCS! you so rule!
we're lucky that we have awesome neighbors (for now) the most we have to deal with is the poodle-guy who lets his dogs do thier business in all of OUR yards and the cop who has 1 license plate for all 3 of his vehicles. i hope we're just as lucky when we move up north.
sadly, daddy running over mommy might be the best thing for that poor girl...

Posted by: monique at February 21, 2005 12:06 PM

It's nice to know that some of W's constituents live right there in DC. ;)

Posted by: Wendy at February 21, 2005 12:13 PM

Oh. Wow. That's absolutely frighteningly amazingly ... well, I don't know what it is. But I'll never be the same.

Posted by: Heather at February 21, 2005 12:43 PM

Holy *beep*! I feel sorry for the kid.

We used to live in an awful neighbourhood completely taken over with people like that. Retards & white trash. Now we live in the best area of The Hague. Such a relieve :)

Posted by: Sweety at February 21, 2005 01:30 PM

The one I feel sorry for? That poor ten year old. If it weren't for her, I say let the wt kill each other!

Posted by: Nina at February 21, 2005 03:14 PM

That last one was a doozy! Nice neighbors.

Posted by: Milly at February 21, 2005 03:26 PM

I feel sorry for the little girl. What morons, are there any empty Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans all over the yard?

You made me remember a home in West VA.


Posted by: Blue at February 21, 2005 04:03 PM

Oh, I didn't know you lived in my neighborhood too. We share that trashy neighbor family I think. One of the "good" neighbors came to our house on Sunday and we're forming an alliance. Wanna join?

Now you've inspired me to post all about this weekend's neighborhood activities on my blog. I just might have to do that.

Posted by: Gweny at February 21, 2005 04:54 PM

Oh my LORD...and here I was thinking that you lived in a nice neighborhood. What does a person have to do to get rid of the unwanted hooligans? :)

Posted by: Zandria at February 21, 2005 05:25 PM

Wow. I'm shocked. Our neighborhood doesn't have anything that exciting going on...just the odd delinquent jockey-boxing on occasion.

Posted by: Ginny at February 21, 2005 06:34 PM

lol!! you know how awesome it would be if you had that on film?

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at February 21, 2005 06:55 PM

holy crap!!! that's intense, does it happen a lot?

Posted by: lizabetty at February 21, 2005 07:54 PM

dear god.....that's wild...OMG!

still sputtering after reading your post!!

Posted by: miss macy at February 21, 2005 08:59 PM

That is so scary! I can't help but feel sad for the little girl.

Posted by: Nicole at February 21, 2005 09:24 PM

We've got that family, too... if the cops are here, it must be Friday! We're pretty sure that somebody's gonna get carried out in a body bag one of these days.

Actually, a couple of years ago a friend of mine called me in a panic one day. She read about a man who'd shot his wife in their kitchen and it was on our street -- we're 8158, they're 7058 or something like that. Naturally, she thought the worst but was confused because she'd always assumed that I would be the one to shoot HIM.

Posted by: Stacy at February 21, 2005 10:00 PM

Yeah, I feel bad for that little girl too.

Those two are in desperate need of a good ass-whoopin'.

Posted by: Jon in Michigan at February 22, 2005 08:27 AM

I can't decide which is more disturbing... your neighbors, or the fact that you get trash pick up twice a week.

Posted by: Iki at February 22, 2005 08:56 AM

Sounds scarily similar to my old neighbors in Alexandria...They would be peaceful and mild mannered unless they were drinking. Then - after a binge, it was motherfucker this and motherfucker that for HOURS! One night they made up to the strains of Air Supply though! And wouldn't you know...after living next to them for 4 years (they had been there for 12) they got evicted the same month we bought our house and moved out the same weekend we did.

Posted by: Sue at February 22, 2005 10:59 AM

Moral of that story: "You can take the trash out of the trailer but you cant take the trailer out of the trash!"

Makes me glad that mobile homes ("manufactured housing" the PC equivalent) are against my county's ordinances. Still doesn't keep the dregs of society out of the area though.

Posted by: geezitron at February 22, 2005 11:38 AM

is it bad that I laughed at the communication bit??

Posted by: stinkerbell at February 23, 2005 09:36 AM