April 13, 2005

Cord Cutting and The Carnival Of Horrors

Ten minutes ago, apropos of nothing...

Her: Are you going to cut the umbilical cord?
Me: Wha? That's oogy.
Her: If you're not, I am.
Me: Maybe we could each, you know, take half the scissor things and do it together.
Her: I'm thinking one of us should probably have a firm grasp.
Me: You're probably right. I'm not sure I could do that though.
Her: Well, you could at least wait until its done pulsating.
Me: Pulsating? I'd have to claw my eyes out afterwards. I'll hold off on making that decision.
Her: There's also the spurting.
Me: The spurting.
Her: Yeah, its pretty much a giant fountain of blood and gore hitting you in the face. They clean it up for TV. But that's what really happens.
Me: Riiiight. Wait, what's my birthday again? Oh, here it is - "not yesterday." Nor do I think our delivery will be quite such a carnival of horrors.
Her: Did you say carnival of whores?
Me: Horrors. Hor.Rors.
Her: Good. No whores in the delivery room, okay?
Me: Sure.

Posted by Chris at April 13, 2005 07:48 PM

But wouldn't it be totally cool if at the moment of cord cutting you whipped out your very own personalized cord cutter? Maybe with an engraved handle and in a nice leather carry case? ;)

Posted by: Amanda at April 13, 2005 07:57 PM

That's the least you can do. Keep the whores out of the delivery room and cut the cord!

It's kind of a strange experience, cutting the cord, but it's one of those once or twice in a lifetime opportunities, you know? Unless you are Mormon and then I guess you get a few more opportunities than most of us.

Posted by: Ms. Q at April 13, 2005 08:05 PM

Ewwww. Just Ewwww.

Posted by: amy at April 13, 2005 08:06 PM

i agree with amy... "ewwww."

ask it if it makes any difference if they are MAN WHORES.

Posted by: jodi at April 13, 2005 08:10 PM

She's so trying to get this job for herself. Hee hee.

Posted by: alektra at April 13, 2005 08:11 PM

"ask it"? umm... i mean her. Beth. i saw that just as i hit post. oh dopey me. i'm so rude!

Posted by: jodi at April 13, 2005 08:12 PM

"it grasps the pulsing umbilical cord and cuts it, it does this whenever it's told or else it gets the hose again."

i should have just stopped at the part when i said "oh dopey me."

Posted by: jodi at April 13, 2005 08:16 PM

When I read these blogs I feel older than dirt. (I'm not and sometimes I'm even still hot. Very hot. Sometimes just flushed.) But I can't help myself- I feel compelled to give you a little advice: If you think you can PLAN for any of this, have CONTROL over any of this, make the RIGHT decisions around parenting, attach expectations- well just give it up. I'm looking forward to the blog where you're both wandering around in a sleep deprived stupor, her with a soggy nightgown front, you with 3 days growth of beard and the colicky crying babe in a wind-up swing. If you had any idea how much I look back on that time as the absolute best...cut the cord, ninny. For better or worse it will be a great memory.

Posted by: Vicki at April 13, 2005 08:42 PM

Tell her that if you do it, the baby can call it her "Daddy Button"...she'll be so jealous! (LittleJuJu calls his a Nana Button b/c my mom cut the cord)

Posted by: JuJuBee at April 13, 2005 09:05 PM

How amusing it'd be to be a fly on your wall.

Posted by: Heather at April 13, 2005 09:20 PM

Just a note, I meant that in a totally non-freaky-stalkerish way.

Posted by: Heather at April 13, 2005 09:21 PM

Just turn your head when they yank out the placenta. ewww.

Posted by: Strode at April 13, 2005 09:43 PM

Eww. Exactly why I want to wait a little longer before having a baby. I need to get un-squeemish.

I can't take too long though...

Posted by: Kitty at April 13, 2005 10:32 PM

YOu can rest easy, it doesn't spurt blood, I would however suggest you look the other way when the after birth is delivered...eww!! hehehe :-)

Posted by: Nina at April 13, 2005 11:19 PM

Well at least by having this conversation you got the whole whores in the delivery room thing decided. :D (sorry I am a smart ass today)

Posted by: Amy at April 13, 2005 11:45 PM

dude, once you see your kid's head for the first time, even if it is coming out of a vagina, you totally lose it and start crying. you'll cut the cord, you'll see. you get so caught up in the moment .

Posted by: tj at April 14, 2005 06:27 AM

The cord is just the first of the gross things you're going to be touching and dealing with as new parents...

Posted by: wlfldy at April 14, 2005 08:43 AM

I cut the cord. It was cool. It didn't even look like tissue or anything. More like a silicone tube with two other tubes inside it. It was VERY tough and the nurse had to hold the cord so that I could get the shears to dig into it. Only a little bit of blood came out.

Your MAIN job, Chris, is to not allow anyone to cut the cord until the baby is breathing on its own.

Posted by: Jon in Michigan at April 14, 2005 08:50 AM

my hubby refused to cut it. He thought it should be left to the medical professionals...and he's a big sucky girlie man.

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at April 14, 2005 09:01 AM

Absolutely no whores in the delivery room! That's a rule I can go along with. Seriously, I don't think there's supposed to be any fountains of gore hitting you in the face, but all of my friends who've had kids have told me it is way messier than they expected, but that you're so caught up in the birth that you don't care.

Posted by: bad penguin at April 14, 2005 09:44 AM

*faints* Maybe you should just stroke her face and let the doctor do his thing, huh?

Posted by: Amber at April 14, 2005 09:47 AM

*gack* You are giving me nightmares! LOL
Just avert your eyes...

Posted by: Gypsy at April 14, 2005 10:04 AM

Is it wrong that I kind of want tickets to the carnival of whores?

Posted by: Fraulein N at April 14, 2005 02:06 PM

lol! You guys are funny! Are you scared of blood? Hope you're not one of those guys who faint in the delivery room!

Posted by: Luna at April 14, 2005 05:08 PM

ummm...sorry to contradict, but the cutting of My Kid's cord DID, in fact, spurt some blood on Big Daddy. Not like a ton of never-ending spray, but some spurting, yes. But it's OK, he was wearing scrubs.

Posted by: kalisah at April 14, 2005 06:32 PM

also, yes I would avoid watching the delivery of the placenta, but that's not really hard to do b/c the baby's out by then & you'll be totally focused on her anyway.

And by way of full disclosure, you should warn Beth that she'll probably shit all over the bed during delivery.

Ha! I LOVE grossing out the nonparents.

Posted by: kalisah at April 14, 2005 06:36 PM

blech, are you gonna videotape the birth??

Posted by: lizabetty at April 14, 2005 06:48 PM

Although if there were a carnival of whores in the delivery room, I bet Beth wouldn't be focusing as much on the pain and gore that was going on. So maybe you should arrange for that? :P

Posted by: Gweny at April 14, 2005 11:44 PM

Did you know about the pooping on the table? Yeah, pooping during delivery, and the placenta, some people save it in their freezer you know, and make stuff like plasagna and eat it. (no, we certainly didn't, but I saw it on tv so it must be true). :P

Posted by: A.K. at April 18, 2005 02:48 PM

No whores, but strippers are okay, right?

Let's see...gross things about newborns...meconium. "The first intestinal discharge from newborns is meconium, which is a viscous, dark green substance composed of intestinal epithelial cells, lanugo, mucus, and intestinal secretions, such as bile. Intestinal secretions, mucosal cells, and solid elements of swallowed amniotic fluid are the 3 major solid constituents of meconium. Water is the major liquid constituent, making up 85-95% of meconium." In other words, it's a tar-like shit that oozes and oozes from the baby's butt sometime in the first 24 hours. And oozes. And oozes. It looks as if your child has hemmorhagic fever and is shitting his insides out.

And my youngest son peed when he was being removed via c-section (he was breech, and had been tango-ing with his cord). HE PISSED ON HIS OWN MOTHER DURING BIRTH.

Cut the cord. Truly, such a small queasiness compared to all the rest....

Posted by: lucy at April 20, 2005 10:06 AM