May 04, 2005

A Brief Outline of My Tuesday

??:00 AM Alarm goes off. Mistake it for baying of the hell hounds. Realize mistake. Get up. Think I've gone blind. Remember to open eyes.

5:45 AM Arrive at work. Deserted. Begin drinking coffee. Contemplate which office supplies needed to open a vein and introduce coffee directly into bloodstream. Too tired. Give up. Blankly stare at computer instead.

6:00 AM Doze off. Crack head against monitor in forward-falling motion. Wake up. Headache. Post "Delurking Day" as a cheap excuse to keep everyone entertained during my absence and generate many comments because, at heart, I'm a total comment whore.

6:45 AM Pile into car with coworkers and head to meeting. Express dread. Consider high speed vehicle exit onto I-95. Think twice. Stay in car. Instead make fun of odd people in lanes next to us. Wonder if people just think they're invisible when they're behind the wheel of a car. I can see you when you're a couple knuckles deep picking your nose, you know.

8:00 AM Arrive at client site. Go through security. Consider talking shit to guard to get ejected from facility. Think twice. Notice large handguns. Become confident the correct choice was made.

8:15 AM Enter a conference room with 25 people. Wish I'd harassed security guard. Try to act professional instead.

9:00 AM Come to the acute realization that this is what Dante was talking about when describing the fifth circle of hell. Internal dialogue involves crass comments about people with whom we're meeting. Try to make sure my lips aren't moving as I think.

10:00 AM Think of worse ways to spend time. Can't think of any. Runners up, however, include full mouth root canals, reincarnation as one of Michael Jackson's children, a 24-hour colonoscopy, waking up with the ability to communicate only in morse code, and being one of those people who consume cat food for a living since it has to be fit for human consumption.

11:00 AM Stomach rumbles. Headache continues. Begin to wonder if we'll actually ever see true daylight again or feel the breeze of a cool spring day on our faces. Doubt it.

12:00 PM Lunch. Salad. Everything else? Greasy meat.

1:00 PM A bit of down time. Discuss irrational fears with coworkers. My favorite? Mashed potatoes (not mine).

2:00 PM Pretty sure the world could have come to an end around us and we'd never know. Realize I would consume cat food to get out of there. But not the colonoscopy thing. Yet.

3:00 PM Looks like its a wrap. But not. Tease.

4:00 PM Freedom! Indeed the cool breezes of spring are still blowing and the earth is still revolving as it was earlier. Head to dinner. Get lost. In a bad neighborhood. Get directions from a passerby. Expect to be mugged. Don't get mugged.

5:00 PM Eat. Compare notes about meeting and make fun of everyone we met with. Then share inappropriate drunk stories. Laugh. A lot.

6:30 PM The drive home. Worry about traffic. Surprised that there is none. Think its a cruel joke and we'll get stuck a mile away from the office.

7:30 PM Arrive at office. Realize the effort to get back into the building to pick up my stuff is just too great. Get in my car. Go home.

8:00 PM Arrive home. Enjoy being surrounded by my wonderful wife, unborn child and cats. Watch American Idol. Become reasonably impressed that they all did so well. Except for that Anthony guy. He? Sucks.

9:00 PM Go to bed. Try and read.

9:02 PM Fall asleep.

Posted by Chris at May 4, 2005 07:44 AM
Comments

Dude, Hope your day is better today, Hope you get home to that wonderful wife, child and cats earlier tonight..

and yeah it sucked to be you yesterday.

Posted by: Angelia at May 4, 2005 08:41 AM

I'm afraid of my garbage disposal. Your turn.

Posted by: Sheryl at May 4, 2005 08:44 AM

Wow! I thought my day sucked! I hope today is better... My fears? I'm afraid of the sump pump...

Posted by: Marie at May 4, 2005 08:52 AM

I'm afraid of mice and rats. Why? Because they all want to kill me!!!

And um... how do you know it was 9:02 when you fell asleep?

Posted by: Amber at May 4, 2005 09:20 AM

I am afraid of anything smaller than a cat. That includes rodents, lizards, insects, and many, many other scary things.

Who do you think is gonna be "The Next American Idol"???? I hope it's Bo. He's great. And real.

Posted by: Julie at May 4, 2005 09:36 AM

You've probably read about my totally rational fear of wasps, because, you know, they hunt me.

And I can't understand why either Scott or Anthony are still on AI, I can't stand either of them.

Posted by: A.K. at May 4, 2005 09:37 AM

Your day sucked way worse than mine. Mine was not actually all that bad, as I got a new PowerBook. See? Mine was better! NEENER!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at May 4, 2005 09:46 AM

I loved 10:00AM...Thanks for the laugh, sorry it came at such an expense to you though! =]

Posted by: kimberlee at May 4, 2005 09:55 AM

That sounds like a wonderful day! LOL :)

I am SO glad you said that about Athony. He really sucks, singing on a cruise ship would be above his league. Terrible terrible. But apparently he gets many votes.

Posted by: Sweety at May 4, 2005 10:03 AM

Now that you "delurked" me you're going to have to listen to me. I am afraid of spiders. Even teenie tiny (miniscule!) ones. I used to suck them up in the vacuum (using the 10 foot wand attachment) because it was as close to pretending they didn't exist as I could get. But now I have a bagless. Any ideas on how I can get rid of them now?

Posted by: Gwen at May 4, 2005 10:25 AM

my day sucked that bad but would not be as entertaining to others. Or maybe I'm just too lazy and boring to write it so.

My paranoia is rodents but that's not an irrational fear, it is totally rational b/c those things are so fucking gross.

Germs. I'm borderline OCD but that's not irrational either b/c all that handwashing kept me from getting sick this winter. 2-0.

When My Kid was a toddler and Big Daddy worked nights, I used to have an irrational fear that someone would break into our house while we were sleeping, so I piled all the baby toys in front of the door to make sure whoever broke in would fall over them and wake me up.

Today my most irrational fear is probably breaking a nail.

Posted by: kalisah at May 4, 2005 10:33 AM

Oh Uh I read the last one about when you got home. I don;t think I can read blogs on wed and thurs til AI is finished. WE get it here on friday so for the past three weeks knowing the results have ruined it for me. Anyway, why am I telling you all this? LOL

Posted by: mrsmogul at May 4, 2005 10:54 AM

Wow, you don't have a lot of "me" time, do you? I hope your work is paying you a small fortune for all that time you put in...

Posted by: Spring at May 4, 2005 11:17 AM

Me, my irrational fear... well up until a few years ago I couldn't sleep with any open doors. Whatever was in there during the night might get in.

An now, things, I don't know - monsters, alligators, aliens - under my bed, But now, ha, our new bed sits diectly on the ground, and no room for those buggers. It's awesome.

Oh, I have something for you to add to your list of horrible things - bone marrow biopsy. I mean, getting the marrow sucked out of your bone is about equal to a root canal. Actually, I think I'd rather have another root canal of the bone marrow biopsy. Thought, I here bonemarrow donation is like the biopsy times 100, so maybe that's what you should add to your list.

Posted by: Autumn at May 4, 2005 11:39 AM

Gah. That sounds AWFUL. Seriously awful. Ew.

Except for the irrational fear of mashed potatoes. That's the best thing I've heard in a looong time. I love it.

Posted by: Dawnie at May 4, 2005 11:41 AM

My mightmare: primates. Monkeys. The most ghastly variation: chimps dressed up like people, with the overalls and the baseball caps...and sometime they are on rollerskates...

Posted by: Jason at May 4, 2005 12:01 PM

wow, and i thought i'd had a long day..
thank you for you comment! please excuse my blog it is misbehaving and has decided to make its self into one long sidebar...

Posted by: monkey typist at May 4, 2005 12:28 PM

hello...aren't you the cutest? sorry beth but i have an internet crush on cactus, but we'll just keep it that way....(thanks for your writing...it makes me laugh...)

Posted by: beautiful face at May 4, 2005 01:02 PM

Yeesh. Hard day, indeed!

I am afraid of mashed potatoes, too. I thought I was the only one. In fact, I don't like potatoes of any kind. There must have been a potato-induced trauma in my life which I have mentally blocked out. Except gnocchi with a tomato cream sauce, that is really yummy.

Also, I am afraid of biting into a popsicle stick. It really freaks me out.

Posted by: Ms.Q at May 4, 2005 01:17 PM

That's indeed a lousy day.

I'm afraid of birds. I have no good reason why, either.

Posted by: Retro Girl at May 4, 2005 01:48 PM

5:45 happens TWICE in one day? I'll be damned.

Posted by: Lori at May 4, 2005 01:50 PM

I always wonder about the nose goblin-diggers too. Do they think they're INVISIBLE while they drive? I just don't get it.

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at May 4, 2005 06:33 PM

Dude, cheer up. My sched. is tottaly hell, too.
Monday: steel my sis' tank, arive school late, eat mystery "meatloaf"(I think mine moved), go to Dance Team Tryout Practice, learn dance, say "if we have to go over that one more time I'll have a heart attack" to a friend, coach says "Lets do it one more time", I consider faking a heart attack but dismiss thought, regret it later.
Tuesday: arive at school late, get through 20 minutes of pre-algebra, leave the room without asking cuz i got naucious, barf 3 times on the way to the bathroom, barf in the bathroom, go to nurse(she calls my bro to give me a ride home), barf 7 times before bro gets there, go home, sleep and barf on and off.
Wednesday: Stay home, eat crackers and drink gatorade, sneek in a chewy bar and cinamon rolls when not watched, draw backgrounds for picture frames, watch extremely lame cartoons, pass out, wake up, get on net, go to church, sleep during youth activity, go home, shower, sleep.

In other words, I cant beleive I'm saying this, but I Miss School... now if you'll excuse me, i need to go chew on soap for saying that....

Posted by: Melody at May 4, 2005 06:33 PM

Mother of GOD....are you the President of your company..... 5:45am?

Posted by: wn at May 4, 2005 06:36 PM

yikes!! an entire outline of your day...you are a busy guy!! soon you'll be even more tired, cuz lima bean will be up throughout the night! lol!

Posted by: lizabetty at May 6, 2005 09:31 AM

My biggest fear USED TO BE snakes. But now? is.....

that Anthony will win American Idol.

He sucks ASS. (Say it with me now... Vegas Lounge Lizard!)

Constantine was ROBBED. Thank GOD Scott's ass is gone and NOT Bo and Carrie.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. I JUST DID A WHOLE POST ON YOUR BLOG ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL! I'm probably going to hell for the A.I. addiction, aren't I?

*sigh*

PS: your day sounds as sucky as mine... at work at 7:30am and leaving at 8-ish pm.Are we NUTS? Possibly.

Posted by: Scarlett Cyn (aka White Girl All Good) at May 8, 2005 06:29 PM