May 23, 2005

Time Differences and Genetic Lunacy

Warning: It may, at first, sound as if I'm talking about several, unrelated events. I assure you that, by the end of this post, they'll all be neatly tied together. Trust me, I'm a professional.

Fact One: On Thursday, while at the beach, I had a rather insane thought. Before I was able to process the ramifications of said thought, I ran with it. I wonder if my dad knows how to text message? There. I said it. Scary, huh?

Fact Two: My parents? They're in Paris. Because that's one of the things they do lately - go to Paris. A lot.

Fact Three: My mom's birthday was on Saturday.

Moving right along, I shot my dad a text message on Thursday.

Me: Just thinking. You get text messages? If so, well, hi from the beach!

Several hours later, a reply came.

Dad: Yes, I do! Hope the beach is great.

See, I was caught up in the miracle of modern technology. Here I was standing on the edge of the continent, gazing out at the mighty Atlantic. How insanely easy had it been to send a simple message over the sea to my parents! Of course, that bubble of technological romanticism burst the next day when, alas, there was another message from my dad. I did a bad thing, didn't I? I thought.

Dad: Paris is great. Don't forget your mom's birthday.
Me: Right. I'll call. Just tell me when.
Dad: Call on the 21st. 9:30 PM your time.

I noodled that through. I'm not real good with time and its fluctuation across expanses of land and sea. But I did finally realize that Paris is something like six hours ahead of Washington.

Me: Confirm. 9:30 OUR time?
Dad: Yes.

I decided I needed to cover my ass.

Me: That'll be the middle of the night.
Dad: Not for us.

Further ass covering required. I showed the whole conversation to Beth.

Me: My dad's on crack. French crack.
Beth: Why?
Me: He wants us to call at, like, 3:30 in the morning to say happy birthday to my mom.
Beth: Maybe they'll be up all night doing something.
Me: Fuck. Don't say shit like that. I don't need to think about that.
Beth: True. Sorry.

Because my brain is only able to retain about two pressing matters at any given time, I set the alarm on my phone to go off at 9:30. Then, in a third attempt to cover my ass, resulting in thoroughly iron-clad buttocks...

Me: You 100% sure - 9:30 OUR time?
Dad: Yes. In 15 minutes, right?

It was not 9:30. In fact, it was 3:30. A little math (for my brain is able to process fewer simultaneous math functions than it is remember scheduled events) clued me in to the fact that we had a pronoun issue going on. So I called. My mom answered. She was drunk.

Me: Happy Birthday!
Mom: Oh, thank you! We're having the best time ever and we were out until midnight last night walking around the city and this is just the best time ever. Remember the bridge? You know, the bridge? The, uh, Pontes des Artes? There are people doing cocaine right on the bridge. They're just drinking wine and lining up cocaine on little mirrors. Right there! Of course, no one's doing anything about it. And we're not doing cocaine. Its just so cool. And I'm sitting here on the bridge and there's a guy right next to me with a big orange top hat. Its hysterical and so cool. Would you call my mother because I know she's not happy about us being in France while she's not feeling so well and I think she's a little lonely even though she is really confused but don't worry she'll remember who you are and Paris is just so great this time of year with all the people and the cocaine. Not that we're taking cocaine. I think we only even tried pot that one time in Argentina so we're not about to start taking cocaine on a bridge in Paris. And Alexis called. Twice. She's really happy about her car. Okay, your father seems to be making some kind of weird hand gesture so I should probably get off the phone. Oh! Alexis called. Twice, I think. Okay, so, thanks for calling and wishing me a happy birthday. We love you!
Me: I love you too mom. Bye.

I'm destined to be crazy. Well, crazier.

Posted by Chris at May 23, 2005 10:17 AM

That had to be hysterical and frightening at the same time! Text messaging your parents...a bad thing! Remember this with the Bean! Smirk!

Glad they liked Paris so much...I wonder if she remembers her conversation with you??? Giggle

Posted by: Gypsy at May 23, 2005 10:26 AM

drunk parents can be a frightening thing. should we start a therapy fund for you? maybe start checking on facilities in your area that offer shock treatment? =)

Beth must have been peeing her pants laughing!

Posted by: monique at May 23, 2005 10:32 AM

Sounds like she mighta been a bit into the cocaine! No, I'm sure she wasn't but your parents sound like a blast.

Posted by: JuJuBee at May 23, 2005 10:35 AM

I can remember going over to Germany and we left around 9am US time and we got over there and it was around 9am again. Time zones can be very confusing, especially when sleep deprivated. As for the cocaine thing, wow, your Mom's pretty funny...did you even know about the pot incident in Argentina? That french wine must be something over there to make her open up like that! I don't think that text messaging the Rents should be in your best interest in the future, but it doesn't seem like phone calls are any better! Good luck with all of that! :)

Posted by: Michelle at May 23, 2005 11:01 AM

Thanks for the laugh this Monday morning! We didn't all just return to work after a great vacation, but hell, it's still Monday to us and this is just the post I needed to start my week off right!

Oh, that and to know I'm not the only person with crazy parents.

Posted by: Lori at May 23, 2005 11:11 AM

Cocaine and orange top hats? Man, I really need to go to Paris...

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at May 23, 2005 11:38 AM

French crack. Cocaine. Drunk mom. Ass coverage.

All in one post.

No wonder I love this blog.

Posted by: Y at May 23, 2005 11:56 AM

Parents are really funny drunk, or loopy from pain medication. I remember when my mom had surgery and was so mellow - it was GREAT.

I'm glad your mom had a very happy birthday on a bridge in Paris, alongside people doing cocaine. I'm sure it was very memorable!

Posted by: samantha at May 23, 2005 12:09 PM

Yes, but you're not destined to be boring. Or staid. Or sober.

Posted by: lucy at May 23, 2005 01:01 PM

I second what Y said!

May 21st was my daughter's 16th birthday. Wonderful people were born that day. So, any strange, Parisian, cocaine-influenced, cell phone conversations are automatically negated and forgiven by the fact that she's a...Gemini!

Well, now that you've opened the Pandora's box of text messsaging the parents, you've only yourself to blame! Friends don't let friends text message their parents! At least on vacation.

Glad you are back. We missed this. And you.

Posted by: Q at May 23, 2005 01:12 PM

That was too funny. My mom jumped on the text messaging bandwagon last year and hasn't looked back since. She's like, OBSESSED with it.

Posted by: Heather at May 23, 2005 01:33 PM

I don't even text message people let alone my dad! I am sure that if my mom were ever drunk and in Paris she would run screaming from the bridge and the cocaine and the orange top hat. This was a very funny thing to read on a Monday morning thanks for sharing. BTW, I used to work with a woman who did have a methos for returning from vacation. The first thing she did was to schedule her vacation so that it was either the week before or the week following the boss' vacation. The second thing was that considering she only worked in the afternoons, she would leave early the first day back and then leave a little less early for the each succeeding day until she was at her "normal day". You might want to give that a try.

Posted by: j.tonic at May 23, 2005 01:39 PM

Congratulations! Who needs a DNA to verify they aren't adopted? Not you. :D

Posted by: Jon in Michigan at May 23, 2005 03:41 PM

by the sounds of it, mommy DID try some cocaine. and SHE'S wearing the orange tophat. ;)

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at May 23, 2005 05:20 PM

OMG, I just know I'm going to click on Juju's blog one day and read something like this and I'll never be able to go online again...
PS. No. I. Don't. Text. Message.

Posted by: Juju's Mom at May 23, 2005 05:26 PM

Hee hee hee! That is SO cute. SO SO SO cute.

Hee hee.

Posted by: alektra at May 23, 2005 05:28 PM

That is hilarious! I don't know what's funnier to me - the thought of MY buzzed up Mom talking about cocaine on a bridge in Paris or my Dad actually text-messaging!!

Thanks for sharing. Your Beannette is going to have so much fun. :-)

Posted by: carrster at May 23, 2005 05:29 PM

So really, your dad MIGHT have been on French crack and your mom confirmed it... even if it was a contact high.

It is a total mind blow when parents are caught in an "unnatural" habitat. Like when teachers are away from school...

Posted by: SueBec at May 23, 2005 06:12 PM

My Mom doesn't get drunk. She just films things. You know what type of things. luckily not in paris.

Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist at May 23, 2005 08:14 PM

Ahh, the French.;) Your Mum sounds like a hoot. :)

Posted by: Stacey at May 23, 2005 09:15 PM

Hahahaha...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR MOM! Too funny.

Looking forward to meeting you on Wednesday! Birmingham and Richmond ROCK!!! :)

Posted by: Zandria at May 23, 2005 09:16 PM

Um. WOW. That's all. Just "wow".

Posted by: Queen Of Ass at May 23, 2005 10:07 PM

oh forget about the cocaine and top hat. big whoop. Alexis called! Twice!! :D

very cute. i can't wait till i'm old enough to bop around the globe whenever the moods hits. horrifying the children will be icing on the proverbial cake.

Posted by: pea at May 24, 2005 08:58 AM

crach on pont des arts??? its too chichi for that... must be you angel dust or something :)

Posted by: stinkerbell at May 24, 2005 10:00 AM

Your mom sounds like fun! Every trip to Paris should include some incident along the lines of "people in orange top hats doing cocaine on the bridge." It's what makes Paris special.

Now I want to go to Paris.

Posted by: bad penguin at May 24, 2005 10:01 AM

i want to get drunk with you mom :)

i discovered my dad knew how to text message when i got one from him. scary!

Posted by: laura at May 24, 2005 11:02 AM

I love your mom. :)

Posted by: Alicia at May 30, 2005 01:10 PM