May 24, 2005

The Great Parental Cover-up

Its early but I feel that I need to clear something up. You might have seen this and thought to yourselves, oh sweet lord, what kind of parent is he going to make if he makes a habit of stuffing cats into his shirt and really, I wouldn't blame you. Because honestly? I have no idea what kind of parent I'm going to make. I could very well adopt the habit of stuffing our daughter into my t-shirts. I'm sure I'll do countless other things that will amuse me but horrify other parents - and myself in retrospect. Just because I'll be brand spanking new at this. I mean, I'm not going to let her juggle hatchets or wear trashbags as hats. But I'll probably do some strange shit that will make absolutely no sense in a parental Monday morning quarterbacking kinda way. That said, fair is fair.

You see, I didn't put the cat in my shirt. That? Was all my lovely bride's idea. I just stood there and tried to avoid a) dropping the cat on her head (which is something I'll also try to avoid with the baby) and b) getting my belly button pierced by Callie's rather sharp claws (something I sincerely hope I don't have to worry about with the baby) while she ran and got the camera.

This strange turn of events doesn't bode well for the Beanette. I'm sure she'll be the subject of many odd experiments which will be photographed. And then hidden. I know at some point, maybe fifteen years from this very day, she'll turn to me in a fit of anger because I wouldn't let her go hang out at the mall or juggle hatchets and say like, god dad, you totally fucked up my life. I just don't want her to have access to too much proof. I know I'll fuck her up. I just want to minimize the amount of evidence she can produce to prove the theory.

Posted by Chris at May 24, 2005 07:21 AM

Your parenting skills will be just fine. You're going nuts over this little person in your life, and you want to do your best.

Now audioblog! :)

Posted by: alektra at May 24, 2005 08:00 AM

Hey. Callie loved every minute of it. She told me. So there.

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at May 24, 2005 08:19 AM

What you did shows you will be a good parent. WHY? Because you have a sense of humor. I used to take my inlaws dog (before I had kids) and pretend to give birth to her.


A sense of humor is definitely needed. Especially when you get poop all over you.

Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist at May 24, 2005 08:20 AM

The cat thing is definately something I've seen before. My boyfriend and his brother actually do that to their cats at their parent's house on a daily basis (they have like 12's scary..and furry.)Don't ask why they do it, maybe it a paternal nature. I don't know. Maybe they just like stuffing cats up their shirts. It's kinda odd if you ask me, but I admit, I've seen it done before and you'll be fine. Just don't make a habit of it.

Posted by: Michelle at May 24, 2005 08:21 AM

Preeeee-cisely. That is exactly my attitude as well -- it's not that I haven't done questionable things (read: zero tolerance t-shirt), it's that I don't intend to let it be used against me. Mwaaa haa haaaaaa!!!!

Posted by: Stacy at May 24, 2005 08:23 AM

The beanette doesn't stand a chance... just kidding. With great parents like you and Beth, she'll definitely learn how to take a joke :)

Posted by: Marie at May 24, 2005 09:12 AM

lol, you'll do just fine. I remember getting home from the hospital with my first daughter, sitting in the rocker in her room, holding her and thinking...OMFG I am totally responsible for this little thing. It was the scariest but most incredibly wonderful feeling in the world. I've made a boat load of mistakes and yes...I've photographed a few, and now at 11, when she see's them she thinks they're funny, we'll see how that changes at 15 though!

Posted by: kimberlee at May 24, 2005 09:37 AM

I think you'll be a great dad, Chris. You'll be one of those FUN dad's that will make all of the Beanette's friends wish thier own fathers were more like you. :o)

Posted by: Annie at May 24, 2005 09:43 AM

you are NOT going to fuck up your daughters life. You're going to teach her not to take life too seriously, to have fun and to take lots of pictures of herself. ;-) Be who you are, Chris and just keep having fun.

And yeah, what SJ said, if she ever DOES scream that at you, you can always remind her of The Poop.

Posted by: Y at May 24, 2005 09:55 AM

Hey, I'm still holding a grudge against my parents for not letting me juggle hatchets.

Seriously though, I think you and Beth are going to be great parents.

Posted by: bad penguin at May 24, 2005 10:02 AM

it's going to be great :)

Posted by: laura at May 24, 2005 10:58 AM

lol! When my future children are teenagers--entire decades of photos from my life will go into serious lockdown. No need for them to see shots of their mom at 16 doing shots of Jack!

Posted by: amy at May 24, 2005 11:20 AM

Dude! You will do the craziest things. I found myself eating stuff that had been in my daughter's mouth, e.g. grapes she didn't want, half eaten crackers.

You also say crazy sh!t. You say stuff like, "Stop hitting or I'll spank you!". What happens is that you start to become sleep deprived and enter a constant state of sleep deprivation. It only ends when they are married. ~ Jef

Posted by: Jef at May 24, 2005 12:04 PM

You'll be fine. I definitely think you're going to be that fun dad all the other kids wish they had.

Posted by: Fraulein N at May 24, 2005 12:10 PM


Seriously, my friend who had a five year old and two year old twins when my oldest was a newborn said the best thing ever -

"When my oldest was two, I wouldn't even let her use a marker. Now, I'd let the twins play with steak knives if it would buy me a minute of quiet."

So who knows, some day, you may actually encourage juggling hatchets.

Are you guys keeping a written list of all the stuff you will never do as parents? It makes for rich comedy down the road.

Posted by: Jenny at May 24, 2005 12:11 PM

be warned: baby's fingernails ARE every bit as sharp as your cat's claws. Some parents who are brave enough to cut them put socks on their kids' hands to keep them from clawing up their own face. Really.

Posted by: kalisah at May 24, 2005 12:11 PM

Your child will be demented as my future children will be. FACE IT!

Posted by: mrsmogul at May 24, 2005 12:27 PM

Well, Chris, there is fucked up and then there is FUCKED UP. We should all hope for only fucked up with a little 'f'! Right?! Right. I should send a thank you to my parents for making me only a little fucked up! My sisters? They are FUCKED UP!

You'll do great - like everyone else said, you need a sense of humor or you'll never get through it!

Posted by: Q at May 24, 2005 12:34 PM

if that is as fucked up as you can get, stuffing your cat in shirt for the amusement of self and others, you'll be fine.

Isn't that the same cat who can sleep with her face pressed in the carpet? ie: without air?

Posted by: jodi at May 24, 2005 12:45 PM

Use your talents for good rather than evil. Do your experiments, then take blackmail photos. When she's a teenager, threaten to show them to her prom date if she misses curfew. Ever.

C'mon, it'll be fun!

Posted by: QC at May 24, 2005 01:22 PM

I'm sure you'll be great parents! Just like every commenter above me already said ;)

Posted by: Sweety at May 24, 2005 03:27 PM

All this silliness bodes well for the Beanette. Callie, on the other hand, is going to, at least temporarily, feel the loss of attention.

Posted by: vicki at May 24, 2005 06:05 PM

You know, I kinda think that no matter what, children always think at some point (read: teenage years) that their parents fucked them up. And they can remember plenty of proof on their own...the only thing the "evidence" will be good for is proving it to the psychologist.

Posted by: Queen Of Ass at May 24, 2005 10:43 PM

You know, I kinda think that no matter what, children always think at some point (read: teenage years) that their parents fucked them up. And they can remember plenty of proof on their own...the only thing the "evidence" will be good for is proving it to the psychologist.

Posted by: Queen Of Ass at May 24, 2005 10:43 PM

Hey we all do things that make no sense in a parenting sort of way, they make great stories to tell even if we ARE embarassed by them lol!!!

Posted by: Nina at May 25, 2005 07:57 AM