June 10, 2005

Everything You Didn't Want To Know...And More

Today, apparently, is Phlegm Phriday. I've been literally coughing my ass off since I woke up this morning. Well, okay, not literally literally. No actual posterior separation is taking place. But you get my point.

And while I'm into bodily functions, I think I'm suffering from a rare case of cranial mitosis...or is it meiosis...or mayaangelou? You see, last week, I ended up with this enormous bump on my nose (and since I can be a narcissistic bastard, enormous to me translates into barely visible to the rest of the universe). It hurt like a bitch but its mission was clear - This is your mission should you choose to accept it. The target is one Rude Cactus. Your mission is to grow another fully formed second nose. This cellular directive will self destruct in...poof! Yes, unbeknownst to me I was clearly attempting to grow another nose. Then, as soon as the bump began to fade, another one cropped up on the other side. Just what I needed - a third nose. Persistent bastards. Then? I seemed to start growing an additional forehead. Taken together, all this evidence leads me to the conclusion that I am, indeed, attempting to grow another head. Should my body actually be successful, I shall forever be known as The Man With the Spare Head. And I'm not sure I want to be that guy.

And since we've clearly taken the on-ramp to TMI Highway (next stop, Emotional Demons Junction!), has anyone ever heard of sympathy peeing? My wife, bless her, is up several million a couple times a night. But there is a baby in side her, one that seems to enjoy using her bladder as a trampoline. Me? Liver, spleen, appendix, kidneys...check! All the normal stuff is present and accounted for. But no baby. So explain to me why I have to pee several times a night. Please.

Happy Friday Phriday everyone. If you need me, I'll be over here coughing my ass off and measuring the growth of my new head. And if I'm not here, I'm probably peeing.

Posted by Chris at June 10, 2005 08:29 AM

that's so weird... Dean has been coughing a lot this morning, too! must be the local water. or air. or something. but, yeah, weird.

Posted by: Judy at June 10, 2005 08:38 AM

hmmm......well the bumps could be from stress or heat or a little of both.

Peeing well that could be stress, not enough water (believe it or not), or something more serious like Diabetes. If these symptoms persists please seek medical advice.........heheheheh. No in all seriousness if this is becoming a problem let your doctor know. :)

Hugs, Zissy

Posted by: Zissy at June 10, 2005 08:42 AM

whoops the coughing: The pollen is terrible right now so that could be your problem. :)


Posted by: Zissy at June 10, 2005 08:43 AM

You have sympathy everything. Hypersensativity, peeing. It's like watching someone yawn. Eventually, the whole room of 300 people will yawn if one person yawns. I peed myself arid when my wife was pregnant. It's weird how we adapt to those we live around. You will find yourself waking up before your daughter cries waiting for it, then she will. And at that point you will discover the power of the human clock!


Posted by: Jef at June 10, 2005 08:51 AM

I get phlegm all the time...especially when i'm taking a showerin the morning, that's when it really like to come out...i think it is from allergies though, since it has been almost year round! But peeing 24/7? Thats tough. Maybe you are getting pregnancy symptoms..people say that stuff can rub off onto the other parent...like nesting and moodiness and junk like that...watch out!!

Posted by: Michelle at June 10, 2005 08:51 AM

Sympathy amoung human bodies is very powerful - women who live together, bleed together. Our hormones and stuff just start cycling around each other. I remember when I went on the pill at 14, and my mom's cycle was screwed up for the first time in years. It was weird.

Also, yeah - wait til the labor, let hope the sympathy pains aren't disabling. Though, I am enjoying watching your sympathy nesting.

Posted by: autumn at June 10, 2005 09:02 AM

When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband got sympathy stretch marks. Beware! :)

Posted by: Empress at June 10, 2005 09:17 AM

i think it's your allergies because lately i've been sounding a lot like demi moore.

Posted by: laura at June 10, 2005 09:25 AM

Your second paragraph reminds me a lot of a movie I saw years and years ago: "How to Get Ahead in Advertising." I'll leave it at that.

Happy Phriday!

Posted by: SpaceCase at June 10, 2005 10:01 AM

ROTFLMAO! Damn funny stuff for a Phriday, Chris. :D

Posted by: Jon in Michigan at June 10, 2005 10:11 AM

It's probably the change of weather. If it's hot outside and you've been going in air conditioned places, that could be it.
Anyway, I hope you're feeling okay. Good thing it's friday ! :)

Posted by: ava at June 10, 2005 10:16 AM

I've studied Piaget and others,... learned how kids develop,... but I've never learned much about sympathy symptoms in fathers, other than something that suggested fathers are subject to sympathy back aches. That would make an interesting study....

Posted by: Heather at June 10, 2005 10:33 AM

It's possible but not likely that your prostate gland is going. More likely that you have that condition that a lot of men develop late in their wive's pregnancy: "Hey! What about MY body? This one over here? It's cute! It's got aches and pains! It needs attention!" It usually runs it's course in due time. (haha, second time today I made myself laugh!)
Have a great weekend, Chris. There's a little home video posted at my place in case you want ideas for another weekend project.

Posted by: vicki at June 10, 2005 10:43 AM

Awww don't worry about the growths, they always say two heads are better than one.
And the Elephant Man was quite famous in his day :)
Now that I have no doubt made you feel so much better, I wish you a wonderful weekend, and shall run and hide.

Posted by: DaFFy at June 10, 2005 11:12 AM

Hey Chris, I don't think the peeing is anything to worry about. I think that when your sleep is uninterrupted, your body doesn't register that you have to go. But when Beth gets up and you semi-wake, you think, "Oh, I have to pee."

And this just happens every time, instead of accumulating til morning.

Just a theory.

Posted by: jen at June 10, 2005 11:17 AM

I hear ya, buddy. This is only the first week of my new job, and I am ridiculously phlegmy and additionally snotty. I'm sure I'm a real pleasure to be around.

Posted by: Heather at June 10, 2005 11:32 AM

Oh! Oh! Perhaps you are sprouting an entire second self.

The identical twin brother you never had and should have that is going to show up and sweep me off my feet. Of course, he will be just as brilliantly funny, heartbreakingly sweet, and hella-sexy as the original Chris, only he won't be atttached (heehee, see lu make a stupid joke)to an equally brilliant, sweet and total knock out gorgeous wife.

Oh, wait. This isn't about me, is it?

Posted by: lu at June 10, 2005 11:47 AM

I must've passed my phlegm to your internetally 'cause I had it for two freaking weeks and now, thankfully, it's gone.
Sorry about the phlegm, the pee, and the head. I hate when that happens.

Posted by: Q at June 10, 2005 12:01 PM

you should get yourself checked out. you might have cancer of the head.

Posted by: jodi at June 10, 2005 12:22 PM

You need some Mucinex to thin out the mucus.

Posted by: Kelley at June 10, 2005 01:25 PM

My Chris woke up Phlegmy too. SO he is his super hero alter ego today: Phlegmy Phlegmerson.

Posted by: amy at June 10, 2005 01:53 PM

well, that doesn't sound like a very good Friday at all!!

I've been coughing up phlegm for the past 2 weeks. First I had a cold, then I quit smoking. So now I'm coughing up all the crap that's been sticking in my lungs for the past 15 years.

It's not pretty, but it feels damn good.

Did you cough up a lot of crap when you quit??

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at June 10, 2005 02:32 PM

Yeap, I'm still reading. Coughing and growing another head huh? Maybe the coughing is causing said growth of second head! Or maybe you brushed up against Robert Lewellen inadvertantly in the street and his passion for spare parts was passed on. I just hope your sparehead #3 doesn't go barmey like his did. As for the peeing thing think of it as a good thing, flushing your system and all that jazz. Well keep writing, I'm keep swinging by.

Posted by: boitchick at June 10, 2005 03:00 PM

on the plus side you'll never cause a case of mistaken identity with two heads. "Mr. Rimmer! Mr. Rimmer!" *you whip around* Oh sorry, I thought your second head was someone else. hehehe And it'll be okay if you lose your photo I.D. as well. "Sir do you have any form of I.D. that will prove that you are who you say you are?" *You smile* "Well I have a second head, isn't that good enough for you?" Or better yet, if you grow a second head that looks nothing like you your wife will have the best of both worlds! "What does your husband look like?", "Well he's tall, dark, thin and handsome, as well as being pale, blonde, freckled and having green eyes." That would be fun. Plus it's be great trying to deside where your baby got their features! Well I think she got her eyes from this head, her lips from the other head, and her hair definately came from her mother!"

Posted by: boitchick at June 10, 2005 03:09 PM

I notice you forgot to add pictures of that 2nd and 3rd head to this post....

Tis allergy season, ya know. Take something!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at June 10, 2005 03:13 PM

I'll trade you. I'm still sore from my little run in last night.

Posted by: autumn at June 10, 2005 05:31 PM

Now I guess it's time for me to "Awwwwwwwwwwww!" Poor man, not feeling well. You "guys" take it hard too don't you? Well I hope you can manage on your own, I don't want to hear that your positively pregnant wifey was doing anything for you! :) But I do hope you feel better!

Posted by: Kate at June 10, 2005 06:36 PM

perhaps you're coughing so hard your ass is getting pushed up onto your face. *shrugs*

Posted by: monique at June 10, 2005 07:40 PM

Sympathy peeing could happen as a result of Couvade syndrome, otherwise known as sympathetic pregnancy. The research isn't definitive, but you're certainly not alone in your experience.

Posted by: Mel at June 10, 2005 08:40 PM

If you were *literally* coughing your ass off, I think you'd have some explaining to do to your wife. Personally, I'd rather *laugh* my ass off than cough it off. At least it's a little more pleasant.

Posted by: Jessa at June 11, 2005 12:29 PM

Well, it's definately allergy season. Here in Houston no one is safe from the symptoms. I've got a killer sinus headache myself.

Sympathy peeing, huh? Maybe it's just the fact that she's getting up so much during the night makes your brain think you have to go too. Sorta like standing near running water too long - same effect!

Have a great weekend!

Posted by: kitty at June 11, 2005 04:39 PM