July 21, 2005

Of Priests, Pickles and Ears

I had two really odd conversations yesterday...well, more odd than my usual conversations.

I sent out an email yesterday to the folks I work with letting them know that I was going to be out of the office on parental leave. Trying to be cute, I mentioned that I would "soon be adding 'father' to my job title." My office mate called me on it.

Her: I didn't know you were going to become a priest too.
Me: I'm already a minister.
Her: What?
Me: Yeah, I was ordained on the internet.
Her: Huh. But you know, if you're going to become a priest, you'll have to get a divorce.
Me: I know. But I can't. Because they frown on that too. It's like I'm caught in some great religious catch-22.
Her: You're in a pickle alright.
Me: A big 'ol religious pickle.
Her: Yep.
Me: And there's no bigger pickle than being in a pickle with God.

And then I got a call from my mom, who we all know is a little odd. They have six extremely fluffy cats, one of whom they affectionately call Boo. To preface, I'm ashamed to admit that I found this conversation morbidly hilarious.

Her: You should know that you probably shouldn't let me anywhere near the baby.
Me: Why's that?
Her: Well, this morning I noticed that Boo had a big lump of hair behind his ear so I had to cut part of it out. It looked like it was bothering him.
Me: Okay. So, why shouldn't I let you near the kid.
Her: About 20 minutes ago Boo was playing in the kitchen and I noticed something odd. I think I cut part of his ear off.
Me: You did what? How much?
Her: A good bit right at the top. But he never complained, he's acting fine and there wasn't any blood or anything.
Me: Yeah, you're getting searched for sharp objects before you come anywhere close to the kid.

Posted by Chris at July 21, 2005 07:35 AM

well, her redeeming quality is that at least she admits she is a psycho mom

mine, well she has no idea that she almost killed us 4 kids several times over

i like to blame her for all my problems

(not really)

Posted by: beautiful face at July 21, 2005 07:57 AM

OK, Good Catholic Girl that I am, I must inform you that while you can not be a Priest because you're married, you can become a Deacon (which basically just means you can't consecrate the Eucharist), but you still couldn't become that if you ever divorced. Catholic Trivia 101.

2 -you're right. Your mom is just a wee bit scary. Just be glad beanette will be a girl lest Grandmama offer to do the circumcision. Okay, it's a joke. You can uncross your legs now.

Posted by: hr mommy at July 21, 2005 08:19 AM

oh my goodness... poor Boo.

Posted by: autumn at July 21, 2005 08:25 AM

oh dear - poor Boo!! (I found that morbidly funny too)



Posted by: carrster at July 21, 2005 08:54 AM

ohmigod that's horrible!!!!!

and holy shit, i second what carrster said. tomorrow!

Posted by: laura at July 21, 2005 09:34 AM

no way!! searching for sharp objects sounds like a good plan, hehe. oh and my fish is called boo (just a random fact!)

hope you're all ready for the big day tomorrow! don't forget your camera!!! :)

Posted by: Emily at July 21, 2005 09:47 AM

Poor cat, but (ha). No haircuts from you mom!

And tomorrow, heeee!

Posted by: A.K. at July 21, 2005 09:50 AM

Too funny. Our new minister sometimes wears the 'collar' when he visits hospitals - we're Methodist and that's not a usual thing - and he said he used to get some WEIRD looks if he was holding his pregnant wife's hand.

And there should be a No Scissors policy for the new grandma. Boo is a very brave cat.

Posted by: samantha at July 21, 2005 10:11 AM

I grew up in the Episocopal Church. Our priest was not only divorced, but remarried. I loved telling people about my fiend, the step-daughter of the priest.

I'm excited for you and Beth and the Bean and all of tomorrow's activities. I know everything will go well; can't wait to see pictures.

Posted by: sarah at July 21, 2005 10:38 AM

What? You're still here? Shouldn't you be rushing around in a mad panic or something?

Posted by: Jason at July 21, 2005 10:45 AM

A pickle with God... LOL
And yikes about poor Boo! If I was the cat, I'd hide from her.

Our Husky/Wolf mix has to get his feet trimmed frequently (he grows really thick hair in between the pads on his feet - great for snow, bad for hardwood floors.) or else he slides all over the place. I hate having to do it b/c one time I accidentally nicked his foot and felt just awful. He was okay, and didn't really notice it, but I make J do it b/c I'm afraid I'll cut him again. *shudder*

Posted by: Kitty at July 21, 2005 11:17 AM

You seem to be very calm at D minus 1. (Dad minus 1) That seems like an appropriate countdown lingo... the day before the baby is born. Because you are already a Dad - that started the day you found out about the Bean. You already love her and know her, but the second she grabs your finger and looks into your eyes I think you may go weak in the knees and know what it's like to be a Fierce Protector and big smooshy bundle of teddy bear all at the same time!

Posted by: Sue at July 21, 2005 11:37 AM

that poor cat!! I gotta tell ya - I wouldn't let her anywhere near my kid!!

Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) at July 21, 2005 12:23 PM

it probably wasn't actually a piece of his ear, it just looked lopsided cause all the hair missing from one side. i'm sure he would have been in some pain if an ear was actually cut. :P Poor Mom though, I bet she freaked out.

Posted by: angel at July 21, 2005 12:29 PM

Baby's coming tomorrow? Are you ready? Are you packed? Deep breath now... Oh wait, you guys are having hte baby, not me... Whew! Woohoo! So exciting. Can't wait to hear about it!!

Now, back to work, Bitches!

Posted by: Amy at July 21, 2005 12:40 PM

She cut part of the poor cat's ear off?! Heh, I find that morbidly hilarious too. Poor Boo.

Posted by: Fraulein N at July 21, 2005 12:50 PM

Does God prefer Kosher Dills or Sweet Gherkins?

Since you're an Internet-ordained minister and all, I was just wondering.

Poor, poor kitty. I cut a hole in my dog once giving him a haircut too, so I won't say anything critical.

Congrats on impending daddyhood!

Posted by: Bonanza Jellybean at July 21, 2005 12:55 PM

Keep your mom away from the bean!!!! Good luck and we can't wait to see the pictures!

Posted by: Pixie at July 21, 2005 01:07 PM

How does a creature NOT notice someone cutting off a bit of ear?

Posted by: Jessica at July 21, 2005 01:13 PM

have you (and your siblings) checked that your ears are all intact??

Posted by: Kathryn at July 21, 2005 02:44 PM

You might consider making your Mom a map of all major body parts to stay away from. Keep her away from Bean's ears.

So, do we get to start calling Bean by her real name tomorrow? And will you be doing a minute by minute blog account at the hospital?

Posted by: Jazzy at July 21, 2005 03:00 PM

My mother used to cut my bangs when I was a kid, something I hated for two reasons. (A) None of the cool kids had bangs, and (B) I would always get knicked on the forehead with the scissors. Thankfully she never cut any ears off, though.

Posted by: Katie-be-bored-at-work at July 21, 2005 03:36 PM

I can't believe that there wasn't any blood? How can that be if she cut off the tip of an ear? Bizarre!

I'm so excited about the baby coming tomorrow! Heeeeeeeeee! I can't imagine being in your shoes today!

Have you gotten any sleep?

Posted by: zanie at July 21, 2005 03:37 PM

Um. You might should remove sharp objects from her home, too. Ya know...just as a precaution.

Posted by: Queen Of Ass at July 21, 2005 04:22 PM

Things are always funnier when you know it's your last day of work for awhile and YOU ARE GOING TO BE A DAD! No, really. Don't let your mom hold the baby...that will be her punishment for ruining the cat.

Good luck tomorrow! We are all so excited for you two, I mean three!

Posted by: angela marie at July 21, 2005 05:04 PM

Just wanted to say good luck with tomorrow! Can't wait to see pics! :)

Posted by: RockStar Mommy at July 21, 2005 05:22 PM

good luck tomorrow! i'm so excited for you guys!!

Posted by: Dubs at July 21, 2005 07:19 PM

lmao I too find that funny in a morbid sorta way ;)

As mentioned above, atleast she knows she's alittle off balance. My Mom still hasn't figured that out yet.

Posted by: Chrissie at July 21, 2005 10:38 PM

I love your mom! She is funny!

Posted by: Gypsy at July 22, 2005 12:52 AM

Can you become a Mohel on the internet?

Posted by: mindy at July 23, 2005 02:25 PM