August 10, 2005

Pay No Attention To The Blogger Behind the Curtain

Me: Okay, so, you've had this long string of what you think are lame entries. What's floating around in the old noggin today that you can pour out onto virtual paper?
Me 2: No freaking clue. I'm tapped. And I'm not yet caffeinated enough to be even marginally brilliant.
Me: Hey, you just finished a book. You could talk about that.
Me 2: Why yes. What book was that again?
Me: Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans!
Me 2: Ahh, yes. Edited by Dave Eggers, right?
Me: That's the one. And it wasn't bad, I have to say.
Me 2: I guess the main question is this - would you recommend it to others?
Me: Most definitely. It's silly, but I highly recommend it.
Me 2: Is that it for the book review? Two measly sentences? You could have milked it a little more than that. What else?
Me: You could try your hand at a little self-deprecating humor and talk about how you hung up on a client three times yesterday due to your stunning inability to operate a phone.
Me 2: Do I really want people to know I'm that stupid?
Me: I guess not. Forget I said anything.
Me 2: Deal. Oh, wait. I think they're watching.
Me: Shit! I forgot about them. Damn. Sorry dude.
Me 2: No sweat. I don't think they'll be shocked. I mean, they've hung with me for a couple of years so I doubt anything I say could surprise them.
Me: Like the fact that, for the second time in as many weeks, you walked around with your PJs inside out last night?
Me 2: That's not exactly juicy. It's not like anyone cares.
Me: That's why we should change it up a bit and substitute crotchless leather chaps for PJs.
Me 2: I don't want people to think I'm the bastard child of one of the Village People! I'll stick with inside-out PJs, thankyouverymuch. And aren't chaps inherently crotchless?
Me: Fine. Suit yourself. I'm just trying to keep it interesting.
Me 2: There's a fine line between interesting and scary.
Me: Story of my life.
Me 2: I know what you could do! Post some rambling, internal conversation with yourself.
Me: Come on. That would be completely and utterly lame.
Me 2: Sheesh. You're not going with any of my ideas. If you don't come up with some shock-and-blogging-awe soon, I'm just going to have to spill something interesting. Like the time when you were 7 years old and built a toilet in the attic of your house.
Me: Dude. Shut up!
Me 2: And used it.
Me: I said shut up, you asshat! That's it. I'm leaving. This conversation is over.

Posted by Chris at August 10, 2005 07:17 AM

Wait, you built a toilet? Now how did that work? I must say you are multi-talented.

Posted by: Zoe at August 10, 2005 07:33 AM

How do you build a toilet? And in your attic of all places? And then used it? This is quite interesting, in a gross kinda way. You'll have to elaborate on this one for us. It would make a perfect blog.

Posted by: Michelle at August 10, 2005 07:40 AM

ahh the joys of sleep deprivation.

dude, tell me the toilet thing was just a dream... you used it?

Posted by: monique at August 10, 2005 07:46 AM

wow-- and I thought Archie Belemus was a tough interviewer-- Me2 is after Matt Lauer's job . .

Posted by: bluepoppy at August 10, 2005 07:57 AM

Oh, now you know you've got to tell the story of when you built the toilet... come on, we're waiting. :)

Posted by: amber at August 10, 2005 08:20 AM

When I grow up, I wanna be a plumber????

Posted by: wlfldy at August 10, 2005 08:31 AM

And you used it?

Posted by: JuJuBee at August 10, 2005 08:33 AM

And now, we must have the story of the attic toilet. Hey, you brought it up.

Posted by: Fraulein N at August 10, 2005 08:34 AM

You just cracked me up, calling yourself an asshat.

Why is anything combined with 'ass' so funny? Assface, assclown...

Yes, we must hear the story of the toliet. Bring it on.

Posted by: samantha at August 10, 2005 08:43 AM

I know I'm well late but still, congratulations on the little one!!

Posted by: JustAgirl at August 10, 2005 09:06 AM

Another vote here for hearing the toilet story - I could use some humour these days :)

Posted by: Marie at August 10, 2005 09:09 AM

I'm dying to know the toilet story... I can picture it now, a little 7 year old boy with his ass hanging out of his pants, working away at the plumbing for the toilet... classic

Posted by: Corinne at August 10, 2005 09:24 AM

uhm, you must have gotten an entirely different kind of erector set than i did. mine didn't come with a pump and jiggly handle. can't say that i mind that much. :D

Posted by: pea at August 10, 2005 09:41 AM

Um. Never built a toilet. Made mud pies and made my sister eat them, though. With every bite she got this disgusted look on her face, and yet still utters "MMMMMMMMM!" every time.

Posted by: Queen Of Ass at August 10, 2005 09:48 AM

spill it chris.. Tell the tale of the toliet in the atic.. oh wit thats like toys in the atic, no its not, its umm stranger.

Posted by: Angelia at August 10, 2005 10:22 AM

McSweeney's, eh? What I wouldn't give to be clever enough to get pubbed in that mag.

Posted by: Ginny at August 10, 2005 10:27 AM

hahahahahahaha, that's all

Posted by: Kathryn at August 10, 2005 11:59 AM

:) Ha! Thank you for the laugh. Just to make you feel better: I have made an outdoor toilet as a child with other kids from the neighborhood. We had a clubhouse and wanted a bathroom. It consisted of plastic bags and leftover linoleom pulled from a dumpster. And uh, yeah, we used it.

Posted by: Dooneybug at August 10, 2005 11:59 AM

Noooooo!!! hahahaa, you're the only person I know that built toilets instead of castles or forts. So you were different even as a kid.
Cool different.

Posted by: ava at August 10, 2005 12:00 PM

did your parents know you were building a toilet?

Posted by: jodi at August 10, 2005 12:20 PM

Talk about total not-with-it-ness.... You said you finished a book... and I all excitedly clicked on the amazon link to hurry and buy a book just written by the cactus himswelf....


Posted by: JoiseyGirl at August 10, 2005 12:21 PM

But the important question is... did it work?

Posted by: Dawnie at August 10, 2005 01:13 PM

I had no idea you wrote a book. I have book-writing envy!

On the way to work this morning, I started thinking about things I could blog about. I do that every morning during my commute and by the time I come to work, I forget everything witty I came up with in my head and end up blogging about my dominatrix phone case.

U r so teh kewl. :D

Posted by: Rhonda at August 10, 2005 01:14 PM

I, oddly, can kinda picture you building a toilet, but the part I'm most interested in is why you did it in the attic. Was the kitchen being used?

Posted by: bmh at August 10, 2005 01:22 PM

don't you just hate it when you come out 2nd best in conversations with yourself?

Posted by: bad penguin at August 10, 2005 01:30 PM

I like it when you storm out on your self :) that it is cute!

Posted by: stinkerbell at August 10, 2005 01:34 PM

hey! thanks for your comment... your site is the shiznitty snip snip snap...

[mission Random Movie Reference complete]

keep reading, and i'll do the same :)

Posted by: misifoota at August 10, 2005 02:18 PM

I always seem to be driving when I think of anything good to blog about. By the time I'm home it's really just me having an internal conversation with myself trying to figure out what it was that seemed like such an interesting idea for a blog entry. I think pregnancy kills brain cells. ...then again, it could be the sleep deprivation.

Posted by: hr mommy at August 10, 2005 04:23 PM

Yeah, how do you build a toilet?

And why would you really want to?

Posted by: :: jozjozjoz :: at August 10, 2005 05:40 PM

There's your blog entry. How To Build a Toilet. And Use It.

Posted by: Jazzy at August 10, 2005 05:59 PM

A toilet in your attic, hahaha...what's with you and toilets? :o)

Posted by: milly at August 10, 2005 06:16 PM

you built your own toilet? how did it flush?

Posted by: lizabetty at August 10, 2005 09:05 PM

I hate it when my inner monologue spills over into the blogsphere, or worse, when I'm working and it just kinda spills out hee!!
Yours is funny though :-)

Posted by: Nina at August 10, 2005 09:11 PM

Ok well after reading the many comments before me I am wondering if you aren't now kicking one of your "Me's" for opening that can of worms...


Posted by: Kate at August 11, 2005 01:07 AM

Speaking of Eggers (love HWOSG), have you read, "They Shall Know Our Velocity?" I really want to read it, but have heard mixed things (i.e. not nearly as good as HWOSG). And as for Created in Darkness -- you can see pretty much everything on the mcsweeney's site that they have in the book. Although I much prefer a solid book in my hand to reading stuff on the internet.

Posted by: Kelly McCord at August 11, 2005 11:23 PM